so proud!

i love you.....
im here for you...
always

i feel so useless

i try to be a friend. i really do. i just never feel up to par. i miss heather a lot, and she doesnt even believe that i do. it really bothers me. there are a lot of things that bother me that i just keep in. ugghhhhh. it makes me feel useless and horrible. she is one of my best friends, and of course i miss her! i think about how she is doing all the time, and atleast try to talk to her all the time. i went down to visit her, and if i had more money, i would go down there more often.
i just dont think its fair. i mean, i guess it wouldnt be related to fairness. i know there are things that go through her mind where she doesnt think she matters to anyone else because they are happy doing other things. i was miserable at ball state, but that was not because of her at all. thats for sure. she made me happy to be there for the time i was there! if it wasnt for her, i would have left long ago, and she was the reason why i went back this after this summer cause i didnt want to then. im happy here in south bend, yes, dont get me wrong, but i miss her a lot too and i even wish she could be here as well, and then maybe she would be happy too! i wish there was something i could do to help her be happy and love life like i am slowly starting to do. i worry about her on a daily basis, espeically about her health. it scares me the most. i wish i could be there to help with that, but i couldnt when i was there, and there was no way that i was leaving because of it. i think im starting to ramble on because im late, and now im hurt, so now i will just start to ramble on more and more im sure, and probaly in the end, ill piss someone off and hurt someone like i normally do. :(
i feel so useless as a friend.

dream...journal...for real this time

i created a dream journal today. i am very happy to start this, i might just start to examine them more. i hope..something like that.



check it out:

http://onlyinmydreams-ninreznorgirl.blogspot.com/

missing Nine Inch Nails concert?!?

never in my life would i ever let this happen, but last night I dreamt that i was missing the saturday nine inch nails show in may because i forgot about it and had to work! i couldnt believe it was happening in my dream. i was at wal mart with my sister helping me work and i realized that i was going to miss nine inch nails. so, i some how left work, and was driving through the ghetto with Street Sweeper on, and of course, they say the 'N' word in the song, so the people in the ghetto didn't like it very much. of course. i ended up getting to the show, i dont knwo how because it was the one in indianapolis. i got there and it was a sit down place, and julia greenwood was there, and she was mad at me because she didn't want to be there that early.

i guess its a fear that i have that i might miss a nine inch nails concert or something would happen that i would not be able to go to one.

i really think im going to turn my blog into a dream journal because those are the only exiciting things that happen in my life anymore. haha.

Last night, this morning

i think i should just make my blog my dream diary. lol. ive been having really strange ones lately, and i havent even been telling anyone about them, which is strange. most of the time is because i dont think that i can really remember them, but i sit in classes all day and ponder what i was dreaming and try to remember them because something sets my mind off to what happened or if i had dreamt about it.

last night, i think i was in a castle, and people were chasing after me, and firing long harpoon things at me. I think i managed to retreat to a modern basement in this castle, where there were some guys that i went to high school with, i think it was chris bolka, and stephen piazza(who i never talked to)and they were playing video games in a room that looked very similar to one at the student center at BSU. Even while i was in the basement, the lady who was firing things at me was still taking aim at me, so i ran upstairs and outdoors into crowds of people who were on spring break maybe? but i dont remember how, but some other guys got mixed up with me and we were seperated in groups like slaves and cattle. i remeber being in a room with two other guys, and a bed in the middle that moved. Lasers suddenly appeared and aimed at any movement that was there, and i was not allowed into the bed because there wasnt room, so i had to roll aroudn the floor to get away from the lasers. next thing i know, i was in showers where i had to shower in front of everyone because there were no curtains. i dont remember much more but i think what i did manage to remember was crazy enough

dreams

the other night, i had a dream about beau. it has been the second one that i have had about him in the past two weeks or so. the first one was just whatever, the second, was a little more, even though i dnot remember too much, just yelling at him and running into a bathroom to be comforted by liz and to soon take a soothing shower. i dont want to think about him, he's not in my life, things are done, and im happy with the way things are. or am i?

i miss him. or maybe i just miss the cuddling and the constant compliments and the constant text messaging, and just having someone there. but i feel like im happy the way things are, but maybe deep down, im not, and im just a little hurt still. i don't know how to explain it, or what to even think about it.

i think its just the night time thing, that my medication from the day wears off and i just sit here and think more about things. a number of things cross my mind, and i just dotn know what to think abotu them at all or even what to write about, and if i do think of something, i dont know if i am comfotable with putting them on the internet.

i dotn know what i miss.

maybe just seeing a nine inch nails concert. haha.

nightly lonesomeness and commercials

during the day, im fine. i sit in bed and study at night, and this seems to be the time i think of the day, and reflect. i'm not alone, i have my friends, and im so happy with being single. but yet again, i have a second thought about how im not and how i want to be with someone.

i still think about what my counsellor at ball state asked me about why i think life should revolve around love. one thing i really think about is when they advertise things like, match.com and eharmony, and all those things. i feel like those are just pressure for someone to be with someone else. you can live without a significant other. i have found this out. these commercials seem to just put pressure on a single person that they need a significant other, when one doesnt always need one. i always wondered before i had my first boyfriend when that would finally happen and i mourned being alone. years later, i learn that you dont need a significant other to not be alone, all you need is your friends.

im not alone, so why do i feel like it?

today is a day to feel alone

its 11:30 on a monday night, and i think about beau.

why do i feel lonely? i couldnt tell you right now. i also think about some of the reasons and some of the possible hidden reasons, especially behind beau and i's break up. was it because i was fearing what i knew was not true? the same with andrew? am i cursed to be alone for the rest of my life because i fear things too often? so far, tim has been the one to stick it out with me, even though we are not boyfriend, girlfriend, which is fine with me right now. is this how it is going to be with everyone that i am eventually with? how can i cut back this fear and not worry about things that may just ruin my life. in the end, i might be cursed and not be able to have children in the end and the by that time, it already has been too late for atleast one.

i am not capable of being loved? am i capable of loving someone back, or letting someone in and not being able to trust someone knew without getting hurt. i just dont know what to do anymore. i go back and forth with the feelings of loneliness and even my stupid depression. i feel like i am fine one day, and the next, i want to be with someone, or let someone in.

i'm lost in my life. where do i go? do i like this computer science stuff? i think so. i read up more on jobs and i liek what i could be getitng myself into, i just wish i could jump ahead about five years and see where i am at. i want my own place, i want my own family, with my pets and boyfriend, fiance, or husband, i want to know where my career is going, or even just starting out in my career. even if half of that happens in five years, i would be happy with that.

i wish i could make things work with him, but i dont look forward to that happening, and like i have said before, im just happy with him being my best friend. that works just fine for me.

i read in a book today about someone with depression and one of the things that help grow out of it is social support. i think that is one thing that is helping me grow out of this a little bit.

okay, thats my rant for the day. i think i feel better, all the other stuff in my head won't come out into words.

money and friends.. part deux

well, my other friends birthday is coming up. i have a total of 53.00 in my bank account and she wants me to join her in grand rapids for the weekend. oh how much i would love to go, but i am afraid that i will not be able to because i cannot afford it. i worked a whole seven and half hours this weekend and i will get about as much money as i did for this week, 54.00, and i cannot afford to take off.

someone help me... i am going to end up disappointing my friends because i cannot afford things to go do with them, and will be slaving over work on the weekends. atleast i am trying to save money and then....ahh fuck.....that will prolly end up going to school. :( stupid stuff. i wish my friends knew how much i care and how much i would love to put itno these things for them. bahhhh...

strangle me, someone, or give me a winning lottery ticket so i could take them all to a paradise far far away from this mess.

i should go back to counselling and maybe i wont feel so bad about this.

Money and Friends.

here i sit and i feel horrible about not being able to drive to see my friend this weekend for valentines day because i am not able to afford to go. she was planning on coming to see me and im not able to work around it with work because i only work two days a week, and i cannot afford to take off for the weekend that she wants to come. i feel horrible about this because i am poor and trying to see my friends at the same time.
so now i dont have a date for valentines day because i cannot work around this issue. it makes me sad because i wasnt going to be alone, and now i am.

i dont know what else to say about this. its all jumbled in my head and i cannot get it straight.