school... nothing new... but maybe soon.

so, i turned in another calculus quiz today. i got help with people from class and tutoring. i feel pretty confident about it. i'm hoping that its a good grade, it will help my overall grade. im feeling confident and worried about the class as well. i have yet to fail a class in college, and i'm hoping that this is not the first. i feel like computer science is going much better then what it was before. course i think i have my energy worked out better with the pills and i think its helping me concentrate in class a little more then what i was before cause all i wanted to do was sleep. now, its not so much.

i scheduled classes of next semester as well. i decided against taking two computer science classes and to take another core class and get it out of the way. i feel like i would be too overloaded like i was this semester. so, i think im going to take some more core classes over the summer. nothing more then 6 credit hours because that is full time for the summer, which shouldnt be too much. i'm afraid that if i dont do something this summer that its going to be bad like the last ones were. so, i don't really want to take the chance of it. i'd rather be busy and pretty happy then not busy and miserable, like all my other summers. they seem to get worse as they go on, and on. so i dont want to make this a trend.

another day.. another tear

last night, i was bored and a little lonely on a halloween night. With steve in bed from a long day at work, I had nothing to do. But the Google search on my tool bar stared me in the face saying, search me, search for someone. I searched my name, which is always interesting to see how many names I can find of mine, and how many of me are in Germany. I'm apparently an author over there. Well, then came the thought, what if i searched for andrew again? last time i did, the only thing i found was his arrest for underage drinking. i searched a couple different ways. Andrew Ogden, Andrew Micheal Ogden, Andrew Ogden: Greensburg, IN. and up came a myspace profile of erin lovin, and in the description was the name batman(andrew ogden). i knew it was him. i went to the profile. and i think it was the erin i met when i went down there with him back in 05'. and there was andrew. a picture of him, a curly haired girl, sticking tongues out at each other and in her arm was a baby. his profile is on private so for right now, im pretty sure its him, but not one hundred percent. my heart started to beat faster. i gave up on the internet and went to lay down with steve. he was asleep of course. i choked back tears as i layed down because i told myself that i was no longer going to cry over him. a couple tears streamed and dripped off my nose onto my pillow and i began to think about all the good times. and then to think about the dark times that i had. now thinking, i had more dark times then i did with good times over andrew. But it still didn't matter. he was the first who i thought i would really marry. really be with for the rest of my life. But, as we all know, the fairy tale ending just doesn't happen.

today passed. i thought about him a lot today. i just couldn't help it. no way am i going to cry over it again, and no way am i going to be upset abotu it. its going on four years now. i still cant think of a day that goes by that i dont think about him. but i still try to think the positive. i could have gave everything up that i was so close to doing because nothing mattered to me anymore. i cant think to this day what really saved me beside my music. no one was there for me. i just went with the flow. i mean, liz was there. but i just cant face that i didnt really turn to her, and i just cut everything out of myself. swimming ended, tim and i ended, and my junior year was closing. that whole summer was a blur, even senior year was a partial blur, until swimming where i felt that someone might have cared about me. things with tim and i started and i quickly got myself together a little more. if it wasnt for swimming and my music, i might not have made it through.

when i walked across the stage at graduation, i wore the ring he got me. all i could think was, "You can't bring me down. I made it through after everything you did to me". I made it to Ball State and the September 26th date that we had started dating was the last time i could really remember crying over him. i had tim there to comfort me when no one else would. and i thank him for that.

here i am, four years later and i'm still crying. but its really not over him. today, i just think about how negative and how horrible i am, when im really not. i forgot to get a movie, and all i wanna do is beat myself up over it. i cant be a good girlfriend, i cant be a good friend, a good worker, a good daughter. i feel like i let so many people down, even myself. but i think i just leave myself down more then anything. and even tonight. i just wanna talk to steve about things but its so hard for me to open myself up about stuff when for four years i have learned to hold this stuff in because nobody wanted to listen. now i have someone who wants to listen and im just too afraid that im going to be criticized for my horrible thoughts abotu things. i just wish i could be positive. i wish i could think positive, talk positive, act positive. everything positive. but im not. im a big minus sign.

Can't you just take a joke??

that is the question. can i? and this is the answer. no.

my boyfriend, family and friends constantly play jokes on me, or joke around with me by picking on me because i'm so easy to pick on. I'm very serious and i take every joke to the extreme and think that its a hit against me. I think that is part of my depression.

probably about seventh grade was when i started to take everything very seriously, atleast for what i can remember. all through elementary school I was picked on. Made fun of about the way i wore my hair, the short pants i wore, the people who were my friends. who knows what else. i was a total nerd and people would always pick on me for it. but what did i care? middle school came around i became embarressed by my friends from middle school. it brought one of my best friend and mines relationship down. maybe this was were my depression seed was planted. i dont know if i became concerned with what people thought about me, but i never really think that i think that at all. if that makes sense.
eight grade came around and the summer before this i started listening to nine inch nails. it was so insane how fast i got into them. it was crazy. i just loved the music. so, i decided to change my self. I started to wear black nail polish. people at school gave me "goth" pants, and i started wearing all black. i collected band shirts and hanging out with other people. I was just as much embarressed by these people like i was with my friend. but i hung out with them still and held that embarressment inside hoping to keep it hidden and to move on without it.
i got to high school and i felt the same. i remember feeling that with my first boyfriend, and with andrew, and even in college with heather when we would run around campus. well, when she wanted to run around campus and i didnt want to because i felt too embarressed.

i forgot where i was going with this for a second, but now i remember. With the easy embarressment i feel like that was what transformed me into this person that is serious about everything. Even today, when i am with my family and my sister is acting stupid, i still feel embarressed. she is so carefree, and not worried about what people think of her. except when dad talks too much. i'm just embarressed all the time.

another thing that i think of with seriousness is when i feel like i laugh too much. i always tried to hide my laughing, and now that i think of it, why would i do that?? i don't know now that i look back. another thing that i can think of in the past is when we were coming back from a trip somewhere and she was making fun of me i think and i was reading where the red fern grows, and i just started to cry. it was a mix of the dogs dying in the book and elle making fun of me i think. i lied about it to my mom and told her it was because of the book, but i think it was mainly because elle was making fun of me.

well, back to my point. i'm very serious and this is one thing i would like to change about myself. And with this, i think my depression will change, or lift. I think my seriousness has quite a bit to do with that. Its sunday night and i couldnt sleep. my mind keeps racing about this thing with seriousness. So i thought that i needed to do some research and find out what kind of self help is out there since i dont feel my counsellor will help me. and maybe this will help me with sticking to some kind of goal as well.

One site I found was about improving depression. I think i might throw this in there as well and start laying some goals down and some times to reach those goals. and hope that i cna do that, and not fail. maybe it will make me feel better about myself, and better about things with school. Although I feel like i'm doing better with my depression, i don't feel like im doing anything to help myself beside these stupid pills that i am taking.

I also wen to the doctor last week and was weighed. I was 140 pounds. i don't feel fat. im just not comfortable with that weight i guess. I would like to start trying to lose like, ten pounds or something. I need to start working out because if i dont lose weight, which i dont think i need to lose much if any at all, but i need to tone up because i dont feel comfortable with the way i look.

Here are my new goals:

• start on a Depression "relief" diet. (October 26th is when i want to begin)
• A slow work-out schedule (October 26th is when i want to begin)
• start writing about the good things in life: even if its something minor
  

For now, these two goals are two that I want to work on. I guess its not much of anything and its not much of a goal since i dont have a date to get things done on. Lets say, Christmas? I think that might be a good goal. If i achieve it before, then great. I need people to help me achieve these goals, especially the diet one. =/

Halfway thorugh the bottle

I'm about halfway through my 150 mg bottle of Welbutrin and then I will start on my 300 mgs. I'm curious as to how much it is going to help, if it does anything at all.
I'm hoping that it will give me the boost in energy i want. The winter months are coming, and the rainy and overcast days that we are having now are not going the greatest for me. I'm just so back and forth with everything. One minute I'll be content and the next I will be wanting to do god knows what. the next i'll be wanting to cry and the next im just numb with an empty mind. I have counselling tomorrow and I'm almost to the point where I just don't know what to say any more. anything I have to think of to say i feel its just the same ol' song and dance. usually i try to think of things that are bothering me. right now, i guess it's just school. i dont feel like i'm doing what i am supposed to, but i like what i'm doing. but i feel like a failure when i can't even get the assignments for my computer science class done on time. it frustrates me. i know that not everyone can get it on time. but there is this old guy in my class who pretty much kicks everyones ass. it bugs me. he has also had previous learning of C++ i think and that just annoys me a LOT. he has probaly gotten all a's on his assignments. i tjust really annoys me to no end. i went to tutoring today and the guy totally changed my whole program when i thought it was working just fine! its working again, but its not the point. I had just one little problem and he totally changed everything from that one problem. it just got me very frustrated and annoyed. which all comes to easy. but not as bad and it had done before. well, lets hope that things wrok out. im sure they will but its just frustrating right now.

i have been waiting to hear from the vocational rehabilitation people and i was really hoping that i would. what should i have figured. not good enough for that either. it hasn't been the two weeks that they said it would be, but its close. i'll keep hoping or maybe even call there again.

back to the doctor

yesterday morning i went to the doctor because i needed more refills on my Wellbutrin. whoopie. i talked to him about stuff. he decided to up the dose on it. how grand. he thinks it will help my energy levels. maybe it will. im hoping it does because i feel like im drifting on no sleep, even though i sleep for hours. last night, i got eight and a half hours, and then came home again and slept for two. i had to make myself get up. lets hope that it helps me out.

Vocational Rehabilitation

so, my counselor suggested to me the other day that there is a program available for people with mental disorders. they give grants. he thinks that my depression has affected my schooling enough that i could be able to get the grants. i called today and they say that within the next two weeks that i might find out. this might be good for me. based on what my counselor was saying that they would basically reimburse me for what the people at FASFA are giving me in student loans. It is said to cover my living expenses too. so maybei might be able to get my own place. that might be nice. ive been dreaming of that for a long time. we'll just see what happens with things.

Life and all its little wonders

I've been dating steve for a little over a month now. I really like him, but i'm finding out that i don't like his sarcasticness very much. i dont think thats a word but oh well. but other then that, ive been happy. i love laying next to him and waking up next to him the next morning. he really is a nice guy.

i'm very frustrated with school still. i failed my first math test with a horrible 'F'. im on my third computer science program and i have yet to turn it in on time. Last night, i just wanted to quit, not go to classes, give up. fail, cause i feel like thats what im going to end up doing anyways. i'm still having a hard time figuring out if i still belong doing this computer science stuff since ive been struggling so much with it right now. i still like it. but its just getting me very frustrated. i feel like i over think everything, which seems to give me the most problem.

as for my social life, its going well, like ive said with steve. tim is still in my life, and i finally met his girlfriend a couple weeks ago. I miss us being single and just hanging out like we did. but i really like my social life right now. i just wish that steve wouldn't have such a problem with him. i would probaly see him a little more then once every couple weeks. but oh well. im happy now. and i dont want to upset steve. ill just put things on hold until i get the trust i want steve to have in me. i've also been talking to quite a few people in my computer science classes, which is a big thing for me since i never usually do that. maybe the medication is working for the best.

ive also become very bitter against people again, whether or not i was never bitter to them or not, im not sure. with work on the weekends, im constantly battlling with Martins #10 about them doing my job when they are not supposed to. i had a worker at the store get an attitude with me when i am the person who is supposed to be doing the job, not him. but oh well. i also have been fixing everyone elses poor jobs that they are doing at the stores. whehter they are just lazy, or they dont know how to do their job, im not sure. but its annoying any way you look at it because i am not a person who just lets a poor job go by. its just very frustrating.

well, i guess thats my life update. not much more to say i dont think.

Boys, School, and Boys.

Early August, I went on a date with a man named Steve Carter. It was a nice night, and I enjoyed it a lot. He is very different from anyone who I have dated before. He doesn't listen to my kind of much, which I really miss because music is my life. He likes music, but not my kind of music. But anyways, I went to his apartment for our "second date" and it was nice. He seems like a nice guy. Some topics came up that I didn't want to surface right away on the third and forth "dates". He quickly found out about my past with someone and he really didn't like that very much. Here I thought that I ruined any chances of calling him my own.
August 29th it was a day to remember for now. I had Nine Inch Nails that night, and Steve asked me to be his girlfriend this day as well. It was a happy day.
But he still seems to have a problem with those issues of the past. I really wish he would let it go, but I'm sure it is easier said then done. It just really bothers me. I wish it didn't but I'm sure he has his reasons for it bothering him. I wish it didnt bother me either. Its been months since anything has happened between us, and I intend on keeping it that way.

School is going rough for me right now. I feel like I'm struggling, especially with computer science since i can't seem to get my program to work at all. And math, Ive failed two quizzes so far. I have a test on thursday and i hope i can catch up on it.

Day 7- Back to the old

Last saturday, i started back on my old medication. i was miserable on the pristiq and i just couldnt take it anymore. i told my doctor to take me off and i went back on my old medication, starting at twenty mg, and boosting it up to forty.

saturday was one of the worst days that i have lived in a long time. at work, i felt worthless. i had to make myself go to work, and i just couldnt keep the idea of killing myself off of my mind. i had no plan, but i was so scared. i didnt want to stay home alone, and that god my family was home sick so i wouldnt be alone. i was very scared as to what i was going to end up doing. i dont cut, and i dont have any plan to do anything. it just wouldnt leave my mind. it is still in the back of my mind, but since saturday, it has been relieved. i boosted my MG's of my medication up to fourty from twenty, and i still think that i need to up the dose.

yesterday, i felt good. all of my friends text messaged me to see how i was doing. i felt great. today, not so much. i thought things were getting better. tim decided to message me today to tell me his girlfriend was over last ngiht and that he was "sore" from the night. i dont wanna know this. i mean, honestly. i dont think he understands at all. so, he ended up making plans with me on thursday, but i have high doubts that he is going to follow through with it.

i just want this to go away. i want my life back to how it was where my friends were single and they had time to do things with me. i know they care, but i dont feel like they do. i feel alone, tired of being the only single one of my friends. i dont really know what i want. i want someone, but then again i wanna be fixed so i dont scare people off with my depression.

i also think i need at new counsellor. he is constantly blaming things on tim, when it isnt. i can tell you that today was a day that he as gotten under my skin. i just wish he would understand how i really feel, and i wish i could tell him how i really feel about things. he just doesnt take things very well.i know how he is.

i want someone to help me. let me know that you are out there. i need you.

Week 1-Day 5

this is my fifth day of the second week that I have been on my new medication, and its feeling as if nothing is working. Today and yesterday was the first time that I have felt some what decent then what I have been feeling since friday. Friday, I just lost it when I seen my best friend updated his profile to in a relationship with a picture of him with her. I wasn't bothered by that, I was more disturbed with myself and thinking about how it seems as if all of my friends are deserting me for the people who they just meet and not their friend who has been there for years. i havent seen him in weeks, and my other friend likes to bail on plans occasionally, and the other one is too far away.

my mind began to contemplate why he hadn't talked to me in a few days, and i began to wonder how real he was, if he was true to me as a friend, and my mind began to think that all my friends were fake, that they were a lie in my life, and nothing of me mattered to them. i got pulled out when they began to question my status and i realized that i dont want to hurt them and push them out of my life. i just wished that they didn't try to push me out of their lives when someone else comes along, and thats what it really feels like.

i cried friday, and it seemed as if it wasn't going to end. saturday, i still felt nothing at all, except the familiar tingles of numbness that happens in my hands when i think about what it would feel like if i just did away with myself then my friends wouldnt have to listen about my lonesomeness all the time and they can just go on with their new people. and yet, i think about my friends, and their reaction to this, and how i will never try it. ive tried to hold it back again, for a long time i was telling everyone what i was feeling, but my mind is making me think that there is no reason to tell them because its just for attention from my friends because i'm not the center of their lives. am i selfish? i dont know. maybe i am, or this is just coming with the depression, making me feel selfish, not wanting to be alone and if i dont see my friends for a while that im going to be deserted and alone for the rest of my life.

im scared as to where my life is going to go. am i going to fail out of school, even though im on deans list, which i don't exactly care about makin too much. i reached the goal i set, but i feel nothing about it. just a big emptiness toward it. am i going to find no one and all my friends go off on their own with the people they meet, and ill be their only single friend who lives with 40 cats and whom they come visit occasionally when they dont have any other plans. i hope none of my friends who read this don't get offended. this is just the way i feel right now. i hope to be lifted out of this soon.

I made it to Tennessee today. It was a fine drive down, and as soon as I seen many of the people walking around smiling and having a great time, holding hands and walking by the numerous wedding chapels that are around the city, and of course my mind wanders to how I might never make it to a wedding chapel, or even my own wedding.