i feel so useless

i try to be a friend. i really do. i just never feel up to par. i miss heather a lot, and she doesnt even believe that i do. it really bothers me. there are a lot of things that bother me that i just keep in. ugghhhhh. it makes me feel useless and horrible. she is one of my best friends, and of course i miss her! i think about how she is doing all the time, and atleast try to talk to her all the time. i went down to visit her, and if i had more money, i would go down there more often.
i just dont think its fair. i mean, i guess it wouldnt be related to fairness. i know there are things that go through her mind where she doesnt think she matters to anyone else because they are happy doing other things. i was miserable at ball state, but that was not because of her at all. thats for sure. she made me happy to be there for the time i was there! if it wasnt for her, i would have left long ago, and she was the reason why i went back this after this summer cause i didnt want to then. im happy here in south bend, yes, dont get me wrong, but i miss her a lot too and i even wish she could be here as well, and then maybe she would be happy too! i wish there was something i could do to help her be happy and love life like i am slowly starting to do. i worry about her on a daily basis, espeically about her health. it scares me the most. i wish i could be there to help with that, but i couldnt when i was there, and there was no way that i was leaving because of it. i think im starting to ramble on because im late, and now im hurt, so now i will just start to ramble on more and more im sure, and probaly in the end, ill piss someone off and hurt someone like i normally do. :(
i feel so useless as a friend.