its a lonely ol' night

its another lonely night. its like, the third one in a row this week. I dont know why i have been feeling this way but it is driving me nuts. i thought i was finally happy, and maybe i am, but i just want someone.
but how can i want someone if that is the one thing that i am afraid of. i dont know what to do about this. sometimes, i just want to be with him, but i know that isnt going to work, not now, prolly not ever. i dont know what to do about that either.

is this how it is going to be for the rest of my life? am i going to be too scared to get into a relationship, but be lonely all at the same time.

what to do, what to do.

so proud!

i love you.....
im here for you...
always

i feel so useless

i try to be a friend. i really do. i just never feel up to par. i miss heather a lot, and she doesnt even believe that i do. it really bothers me. there are a lot of things that bother me that i just keep in. ugghhhhh. it makes me feel useless and horrible. she is one of my best friends, and of course i miss her! i think about how she is doing all the time, and atleast try to talk to her all the time. i went down to visit her, and if i had more money, i would go down there more often.
i just dont think its fair. i mean, i guess it wouldnt be related to fairness. i know there are things that go through her mind where she doesnt think she matters to anyone else because they are happy doing other things. i was miserable at ball state, but that was not because of her at all. thats for sure. she made me happy to be there for the time i was there! if it wasnt for her, i would have left long ago, and she was the reason why i went back this after this summer cause i didnt want to then. im happy here in south bend, yes, dont get me wrong, but i miss her a lot too and i even wish she could be here as well, and then maybe she would be happy too! i wish there was something i could do to help her be happy and love life like i am slowly starting to do. i worry about her on a daily basis, espeically about her health. it scares me the most. i wish i could be there to help with that, but i couldnt when i was there, and there was no way that i was leaving because of it. i think im starting to ramble on because im late, and now im hurt, so now i will just start to ramble on more and more im sure, and probaly in the end, ill piss someone off and hurt someone like i normally do. :(
i feel so useless as a friend.

dream...journal...for real this time

i created a dream journal today. i am very happy to start this, i might just start to examine them more. i hope..something like that.



check it out:

http://onlyinmydreams-ninreznorgirl.blogspot.com/