I'm only happy when it rains

Another weekend, and another battle with myself and depression. my negativity is starting to take a toll on steve and i. a small thing happened on thanksgiving, and i just wouldn't let it go. it was nothing according to him, and he just got fed up with me being worried about nothing, like i usually do. so yesterday, i just got really down in the dumps. thinking about how much this would be better if i had never fallen into this depression. he asks me to be positive, and wants me to be positive but its been so long since i have been positive about anything that its hard for me to do. so once again, i just broke down. wanted to cry. and thats what i did. it got bad last night. it got to the point where i just wanted to cut and cut and keep doing it until someone found me locked in the bathroom in the shower and maybe it would have been too late. i left my razor out of the shower because i didn't trust myself. i did lock myself in and just stood there under the hot water and cried. cried because i just don't want to do this anymore. mad because i feel like im wasting so much away. mad because i cant just wake up and make this go away and be positive about everything like a lot of other people do. i decided im going to try to find a new counsellor. i dont just want my whole depression battle to be with pills. i want someone to give me tips that i can do outside of counselling and not blame things on one person. i went to a counsellor so they wouldnt be biased. i just want someone who might actually help me. im not going very often right now, but i only seem to have bad weekends. I talked to skye last night about quite a bit, and it helped me get my mind off of how miserable i felt. it helped out a lot. its nice to talk to someone who has something similar going on as i do. or someone who can relate because people who don't know it doesn't know how it is. its not a week thing where you're sad. its a permanent sadness, is what it feels like. like everyday, nothing can be happy. its not because i choose to be this way. its not like i can drop this and turn away and it be just fine. it doesnt work that way. i cant just "get over it". that is the most overused term i have ever heard because it does not work that way. someday, ill see the sunshine after the rain.

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone

A day late, i know but i was busy yesterday. I had a great day! steve came over and pretty much spent the day with me. it was nice. i havent had a good thanksgiving like that since andrew. not that the a few of the others were horrible, im just glad i could make some new memories. I'm very thankful for steve to be in my life right now. I'm pretty thankful for how my life is slowly coming togehter. even though school is stressful and everything else is as well, i know its all happening for a reason. I'm finding that meaning is applying more and more as life goes on. i think about andrew after i seen his myspace and thinking about how that could be me with a baby and who knows what else could have happened, like not going to school or who knows what else could have happened. i wouldnt have tim in my life, or liz, or heather because i might have never gone to school. even steve. i would have possibly been miserable with andrew. who knows. even though when i was with him i wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. and maybe i wouldnt have been upset or miserable. i don't know what may have happened, but i know my life wouldnt have been like it is now. and maybe i wouldnt have depression, but maybe it was hiding the whole time waiting for something else to happen and just ruin me even more and, just who knows.

school... nothing new... but maybe soon.

so, i turned in another calculus quiz today. i got help with people from class and tutoring. i feel pretty confident about it. i'm hoping that its a good grade, it will help my overall grade. im feeling confident and worried about the class as well. i have yet to fail a class in college, and i'm hoping that this is not the first. i feel like computer science is going much better then what it was before. course i think i have my energy worked out better with the pills and i think its helping me concentrate in class a little more then what i was before cause all i wanted to do was sleep. now, its not so much.

i scheduled classes of next semester as well. i decided against taking two computer science classes and to take another core class and get it out of the way. i feel like i would be too overloaded like i was this semester. so, i think im going to take some more core classes over the summer. nothing more then 6 credit hours because that is full time for the summer, which shouldnt be too much. i'm afraid that if i dont do something this summer that its going to be bad like the last ones were. so, i don't really want to take the chance of it. i'd rather be busy and pretty happy then not busy and miserable, like all my other summers. they seem to get worse as they go on, and on. so i dont want to make this a trend.

another day.. another tear

last night, i was bored and a little lonely on a halloween night. With steve in bed from a long day at work, I had nothing to do. But the Google search on my tool bar stared me in the face saying, search me, search for someone. I searched my name, which is always interesting to see how many names I can find of mine, and how many of me are in Germany. I'm apparently an author over there. Well, then came the thought, what if i searched for andrew again? last time i did, the only thing i found was his arrest for underage drinking. i searched a couple different ways. Andrew Ogden, Andrew Micheal Ogden, Andrew Ogden: Greensburg, IN. and up came a myspace profile of erin lovin, and in the description was the name batman(andrew ogden). i knew it was him. i went to the profile. and i think it was the erin i met when i went down there with him back in 05'. and there was andrew. a picture of him, a curly haired girl, sticking tongues out at each other and in her arm was a baby. his profile is on private so for right now, im pretty sure its him, but not one hundred percent. my heart started to beat faster. i gave up on the internet and went to lay down with steve. he was asleep of course. i choked back tears as i layed down because i told myself that i was no longer going to cry over him. a couple tears streamed and dripped off my nose onto my pillow and i began to think about all the good times. and then to think about the dark times that i had. now thinking, i had more dark times then i did with good times over andrew. But it still didn't matter. he was the first who i thought i would really marry. really be with for the rest of my life. But, as we all know, the fairy tale ending just doesn't happen.

today passed. i thought about him a lot today. i just couldn't help it. no way am i going to cry over it again, and no way am i going to be upset abotu it. its going on four years now. i still cant think of a day that goes by that i dont think about him. but i still try to think the positive. i could have gave everything up that i was so close to doing because nothing mattered to me anymore. i cant think to this day what really saved me beside my music. no one was there for me. i just went with the flow. i mean, liz was there. but i just cant face that i didnt really turn to her, and i just cut everything out of myself. swimming ended, tim and i ended, and my junior year was closing. that whole summer was a blur, even senior year was a partial blur, until swimming where i felt that someone might have cared about me. things with tim and i started and i quickly got myself together a little more. if it wasnt for swimming and my music, i might not have made it through.

when i walked across the stage at graduation, i wore the ring he got me. all i could think was, "You can't bring me down. I made it through after everything you did to me". I made it to Ball State and the September 26th date that we had started dating was the last time i could really remember crying over him. i had tim there to comfort me when no one else would. and i thank him for that.

here i am, four years later and i'm still crying. but its really not over him. today, i just think about how negative and how horrible i am, when im really not. i forgot to get a movie, and all i wanna do is beat myself up over it. i cant be a good girlfriend, i cant be a good friend, a good worker, a good daughter. i feel like i let so many people down, even myself. but i think i just leave myself down more then anything. and even tonight. i just wanna talk to steve about things but its so hard for me to open myself up about stuff when for four years i have learned to hold this stuff in because nobody wanted to listen. now i have someone who wants to listen and im just too afraid that im going to be criticized for my horrible thoughts abotu things. i just wish i could be positive. i wish i could think positive, talk positive, act positive. everything positive. but im not. im a big minus sign.

Can't you just take a joke??

that is the question. can i? and this is the answer. no.

my boyfriend, family and friends constantly play jokes on me, or joke around with me by picking on me because i'm so easy to pick on. I'm very serious and i take every joke to the extreme and think that its a hit against me. I think that is part of my depression.

probably about seventh grade was when i started to take everything very seriously, atleast for what i can remember. all through elementary school I was picked on. Made fun of about the way i wore my hair, the short pants i wore, the people who were my friends. who knows what else. i was a total nerd and people would always pick on me for it. but what did i care? middle school came around i became embarressed by my friends from middle school. it brought one of my best friend and mines relationship down. maybe this was were my depression seed was planted. i dont know if i became concerned with what people thought about me, but i never really think that i think that at all. if that makes sense.
eight grade came around and the summer before this i started listening to nine inch nails. it was so insane how fast i got into them. it was crazy. i just loved the music. so, i decided to change my self. I started to wear black nail polish. people at school gave me "goth" pants, and i started wearing all black. i collected band shirts and hanging out with other people. I was just as much embarressed by these people like i was with my friend. but i hung out with them still and held that embarressment inside hoping to keep it hidden and to move on without it.
i got to high school and i felt the same. i remember feeling that with my first boyfriend, and with andrew, and even in college with heather when we would run around campus. well, when she wanted to run around campus and i didnt want to because i felt too embarressed.

i forgot where i was going with this for a second, but now i remember. With the easy embarressment i feel like that was what transformed me into this person that is serious about everything. Even today, when i am with my family and my sister is acting stupid, i still feel embarressed. she is so carefree, and not worried about what people think of her. except when dad talks too much. i'm just embarressed all the time.

another thing that i think of with seriousness is when i feel like i laugh too much. i always tried to hide my laughing, and now that i think of it, why would i do that?? i don't know now that i look back. another thing that i can think of in the past is when we were coming back from a trip somewhere and she was making fun of me i think and i was reading where the red fern grows, and i just started to cry. it was a mix of the dogs dying in the book and elle making fun of me i think. i lied about it to my mom and told her it was because of the book, but i think it was mainly because elle was making fun of me.

well, back to my point. i'm very serious and this is one thing i would like to change about myself. And with this, i think my depression will change, or lift. I think my seriousness has quite a bit to do with that. Its sunday night and i couldnt sleep. my mind keeps racing about this thing with seriousness. So i thought that i needed to do some research and find out what kind of self help is out there since i dont feel my counsellor will help me. and maybe this will help me with sticking to some kind of goal as well.

One site I found was about improving depression. I think i might throw this in there as well and start laying some goals down and some times to reach those goals. and hope that i cna do that, and not fail. maybe it will make me feel better about myself, and better about things with school. Although I feel like i'm doing better with my depression, i don't feel like im doing anything to help myself beside these stupid pills that i am taking.

I also wen to the doctor last week and was weighed. I was 140 pounds. i don't feel fat. im just not comfortable with that weight i guess. I would like to start trying to lose like, ten pounds or something. I need to start working out because if i dont lose weight, which i dont think i need to lose much if any at all, but i need to tone up because i dont feel comfortable with the way i look.

Here are my new goals:

• start on a Depression "relief" diet. (October 26th is when i want to begin)
• A slow work-out schedule (October 26th is when i want to begin)
• start writing about the good things in life: even if its something minor
  

For now, these two goals are two that I want to work on. I guess its not much of anything and its not much of a goal since i dont have a date to get things done on. Lets say, Christmas? I think that might be a good goal. If i achieve it before, then great. I need people to help me achieve these goals, especially the diet one. =/

Halfway thorugh the bottle

I'm about halfway through my 150 mg bottle of Welbutrin and then I will start on my 300 mgs. I'm curious as to how much it is going to help, if it does anything at all.
I'm hoping that it will give me the boost in energy i want. The winter months are coming, and the rainy and overcast days that we are having now are not going the greatest for me. I'm just so back and forth with everything. One minute I'll be content and the next I will be wanting to do god knows what. the next i'll be wanting to cry and the next im just numb with an empty mind. I have counselling tomorrow and I'm almost to the point where I just don't know what to say any more. anything I have to think of to say i feel its just the same ol' song and dance. usually i try to think of things that are bothering me. right now, i guess it's just school. i dont feel like i'm doing what i am supposed to, but i like what i'm doing. but i feel like a failure when i can't even get the assignments for my computer science class done on time. it frustrates me. i know that not everyone can get it on time. but there is this old guy in my class who pretty much kicks everyones ass. it bugs me. he has also had previous learning of C++ i think and that just annoys me a LOT. he has probaly gotten all a's on his assignments. i tjust really annoys me to no end. i went to tutoring today and the guy totally changed my whole program when i thought it was working just fine! its working again, but its not the point. I had just one little problem and he totally changed everything from that one problem. it just got me very frustrated and annoyed. which all comes to easy. but not as bad and it had done before. well, lets hope that things wrok out. im sure they will but its just frustrating right now.

i have been waiting to hear from the vocational rehabilitation people and i was really hoping that i would. what should i have figured. not good enough for that either. it hasn't been the two weeks that they said it would be, but its close. i'll keep hoping or maybe even call there again.

back to the doctor

yesterday morning i went to the doctor because i needed more refills on my Wellbutrin. whoopie. i talked to him about stuff. he decided to up the dose on it. how grand. he thinks it will help my energy levels. maybe it will. im hoping it does because i feel like im drifting on no sleep, even though i sleep for hours. last night, i got eight and a half hours, and then came home again and slept for two. i had to make myself get up. lets hope that it helps me out.

Vocational Rehabilitation

so, my counselor suggested to me the other day that there is a program available for people with mental disorders. they give grants. he thinks that my depression has affected my schooling enough that i could be able to get the grants. i called today and they say that within the next two weeks that i might find out. this might be good for me. based on what my counselor was saying that they would basically reimburse me for what the people at FASFA are giving me in student loans. It is said to cover my living expenses too. so maybei might be able to get my own place. that might be nice. ive been dreaming of that for a long time. we'll just see what happens with things.

Life and all its little wonders

I've been dating steve for a little over a month now. I really like him, but i'm finding out that i don't like his sarcasticness very much. i dont think thats a word but oh well. but other then that, ive been happy. i love laying next to him and waking up next to him the next morning. he really is a nice guy.

i'm very frustrated with school still. i failed my first math test with a horrible 'F'. im on my third computer science program and i have yet to turn it in on time. Last night, i just wanted to quit, not go to classes, give up. fail, cause i feel like thats what im going to end up doing anyways. i'm still having a hard time figuring out if i still belong doing this computer science stuff since ive been struggling so much with it right now. i still like it. but its just getting me very frustrated. i feel like i over think everything, which seems to give me the most problem.

as for my social life, its going well, like ive said with steve. tim is still in my life, and i finally met his girlfriend a couple weeks ago. I miss us being single and just hanging out like we did. but i really like my social life right now. i just wish that steve wouldn't have such a problem with him. i would probaly see him a little more then once every couple weeks. but oh well. im happy now. and i dont want to upset steve. ill just put things on hold until i get the trust i want steve to have in me. i've also been talking to quite a few people in my computer science classes, which is a big thing for me since i never usually do that. maybe the medication is working for the best.

ive also become very bitter against people again, whether or not i was never bitter to them or not, im not sure. with work on the weekends, im constantly battlling with Martins #10 about them doing my job when they are not supposed to. i had a worker at the store get an attitude with me when i am the person who is supposed to be doing the job, not him. but oh well. i also have been fixing everyone elses poor jobs that they are doing at the stores. whehter they are just lazy, or they dont know how to do their job, im not sure. but its annoying any way you look at it because i am not a person who just lets a poor job go by. its just very frustrating.

well, i guess thats my life update. not much more to say i dont think.

Boys, School, and Boys.

Early August, I went on a date with a man named Steve Carter. It was a nice night, and I enjoyed it a lot. He is very different from anyone who I have dated before. He doesn't listen to my kind of much, which I really miss because music is my life. He likes music, but not my kind of music. But anyways, I went to his apartment for our "second date" and it was nice. He seems like a nice guy. Some topics came up that I didn't want to surface right away on the third and forth "dates". He quickly found out about my past with someone and he really didn't like that very much. Here I thought that I ruined any chances of calling him my own.
August 29th it was a day to remember for now. I had Nine Inch Nails that night, and Steve asked me to be his girlfriend this day as well. It was a happy day.
But he still seems to have a problem with those issues of the past. I really wish he would let it go, but I'm sure it is easier said then done. It just really bothers me. I wish it didn't but I'm sure he has his reasons for it bothering him. I wish it didnt bother me either. Its been months since anything has happened between us, and I intend on keeping it that way.

School is going rough for me right now. I feel like I'm struggling, especially with computer science since i can't seem to get my program to work at all. And math, Ive failed two quizzes so far. I have a test on thursday and i hope i can catch up on it.

Day 7- Back to the old

Last saturday, i started back on my old medication. i was miserable on the pristiq and i just couldnt take it anymore. i told my doctor to take me off and i went back on my old medication, starting at twenty mg, and boosting it up to forty.

saturday was one of the worst days that i have lived in a long time. at work, i felt worthless. i had to make myself go to work, and i just couldnt keep the idea of killing myself off of my mind. i had no plan, but i was so scared. i didnt want to stay home alone, and that god my family was home sick so i wouldnt be alone. i was very scared as to what i was going to end up doing. i dont cut, and i dont have any plan to do anything. it just wouldnt leave my mind. it is still in the back of my mind, but since saturday, it has been relieved. i boosted my MG's of my medication up to fourty from twenty, and i still think that i need to up the dose.

yesterday, i felt good. all of my friends text messaged me to see how i was doing. i felt great. today, not so much. i thought things were getting better. tim decided to message me today to tell me his girlfriend was over last ngiht and that he was "sore" from the night. i dont wanna know this. i mean, honestly. i dont think he understands at all. so, he ended up making plans with me on thursday, but i have high doubts that he is going to follow through with it.

i just want this to go away. i want my life back to how it was where my friends were single and they had time to do things with me. i know they care, but i dont feel like they do. i feel alone, tired of being the only single one of my friends. i dont really know what i want. i want someone, but then again i wanna be fixed so i dont scare people off with my depression.

i also think i need at new counsellor. he is constantly blaming things on tim, when it isnt. i can tell you that today was a day that he as gotten under my skin. i just wish he would understand how i really feel, and i wish i could tell him how i really feel about things. he just doesnt take things very well.i know how he is.

i want someone to help me. let me know that you are out there. i need you.

Week 1-Day 5

this is my fifth day of the second week that I have been on my new medication, and its feeling as if nothing is working. Today and yesterday was the first time that I have felt some what decent then what I have been feeling since friday. Friday, I just lost it when I seen my best friend updated his profile to in a relationship with a picture of him with her. I wasn't bothered by that, I was more disturbed with myself and thinking about how it seems as if all of my friends are deserting me for the people who they just meet and not their friend who has been there for years. i havent seen him in weeks, and my other friend likes to bail on plans occasionally, and the other one is too far away.

my mind began to contemplate why he hadn't talked to me in a few days, and i began to wonder how real he was, if he was true to me as a friend, and my mind began to think that all my friends were fake, that they were a lie in my life, and nothing of me mattered to them. i got pulled out when they began to question my status and i realized that i dont want to hurt them and push them out of my life. i just wished that they didn't try to push me out of their lives when someone else comes along, and thats what it really feels like.

i cried friday, and it seemed as if it wasn't going to end. saturday, i still felt nothing at all, except the familiar tingles of numbness that happens in my hands when i think about what it would feel like if i just did away with myself then my friends wouldnt have to listen about my lonesomeness all the time and they can just go on with their new people. and yet, i think about my friends, and their reaction to this, and how i will never try it. ive tried to hold it back again, for a long time i was telling everyone what i was feeling, but my mind is making me think that there is no reason to tell them because its just for attention from my friends because i'm not the center of their lives. am i selfish? i dont know. maybe i am, or this is just coming with the depression, making me feel selfish, not wanting to be alone and if i dont see my friends for a while that im going to be deserted and alone for the rest of my life.

im scared as to where my life is going to go. am i going to fail out of school, even though im on deans list, which i don't exactly care about makin too much. i reached the goal i set, but i feel nothing about it. just a big emptiness toward it. am i going to find no one and all my friends go off on their own with the people they meet, and ill be their only single friend who lives with 40 cats and whom they come visit occasionally when they dont have any other plans. i hope none of my friends who read this don't get offended. this is just the way i feel right now. i hope to be lifted out of this soon.

I made it to Tennessee today. It was a fine drive down, and as soon as I seen many of the people walking around smiling and having a great time, holding hands and walking by the numerous wedding chapels that are around the city, and of course my mind wanders to how I might never make it to a wedding chapel, or even my own wedding.

day 3

my clean laundry piles in my chair next to my bed, and my dirty piles in front of the chair, hoping some day that i will wash them, only to know that they will only move about a foot to the chair, or to the basket in my closet until i get the motivation to throw it into the chair to wash my work shirts, which i am tired of washing already.

this is my third day on my new anti depressant, Prisitiq. it takes weeks before it shows signs of working, and im thinking that my wrinkled laundry and un matched socks are going to love the signs if they ever do show because maybe then will i have some sort of motivation to do soemthing with them. same with my white carpet, which is speckled with black cat and dog hair and blue bits from the blanket in the living room.

my desk is covered in a container of brownies with a checkbook on top, stared over by my fairy clock that ticks away but doesnt work very well. batteries sit to my left, whether they work or not, i may never know. there are also Candy Hearts and M&Ms sitting there for me to eat but my tooth hurts pretty bad right now, that it is sensitive to pop and water. pictures of trent are under the brownies from when i took them off my wall, not knowing what else to do with them, since he is pretty much the only person in my life that hasn't really let me down, i dont want to hide them, but show the world how much i love that man.

my cats are begging for food, along with my dog, and all i can think about is if it is ever going to get better. sure you say it might, but will it? truthfully??

i try to swallow my pill with no water, knowing that sometimes it goes down easy, and sometimes, it just sticks in your throat and dissolves into a nasty taste. i can almost compare that to life i think.

Depression, my battle, where it began, and where it is now?

this past summer i was diagnosed with depression. I started going to a counselor and wouldnt admit it to anyone. im growing more comfortable with the fact that i am battling depression and trying to make myself better. this is nothing to take offense to if you do read it. and i hope it isnt too shocking for anyone, and nor is it for anyone to take offense to. most of this is in the past.

yesterday, i watched a video in my wellness class about suicide and depression. this just really made me mad and made me want to cry and run out of there. i wish the people in the video realized how hard it is to let people know that you are depressed and possibly having suicidal thoughts. why would anyone tell someone who asks them if they are having suicidal thoughts or not. honestly, when i was asked when i started going to counseling, i was too scared to tell anyone that i was thinking about harming myself, even though the thoughts were not that bad. ive just started to tell people this. its not easy to do at all. i need to cause the thoughts seem to get worse. even if they dont occur all the time. i can think of only two times where i have harmed myself and that was in middle school. why, i have no idea. i think back, and it was the stupidest thing ever.

so i began thinking about where my depression really started. is it genetic? i don't know of anyone in my family with diagnosed depression. i have heard that my cousin has bipolar disorder, but i have never heard if that is true or not. no one has ever told me about anything dealing with depression in either side of my family. maybe that was why i was so scared to think that i have depression.

thinking back, i can think of a time with tim perkins, where he wanted me to go with him to a church group and i didnt want to go at all. i didnt know why. i just didnt want to. wanted to stay at home and play on my computer all night. i think that was forth grade.

maybe it was because people used to pick on me in elementary. it wasn't anything that i was insanely upset about, but deep down it hurt. i just carried on my merry way with my cartoons and fantasy life of sailor moon. its not like i never had any friends.i had the best friends i could ask for at that time. running around the playground playing sailor moon. i can remember in third grade when everyone wanted to sit by me, and there wasn't enough for people to sit by me. i can't even remember another time since then when i had felt so accepted by people.

sixth grade was when rachel and i started to fight, and argue. maybe this had an affect, because i was losing my best friend that had been there since preschool, sat with me on the bus from day one. and now, there were other people, sarah and kayla. she never wanted to come over to my house. i never did know why. i practially lived at her house, and she never wanted to come over to my house. our arguements carried on until the eighth grade where we just totally stopped talking. maybe i wasn't the friend i should have been. we have since healed that and we are both sorry for things we have done to each other in the past and we are both trying to make the most of it even though both of us have changed and have different interests. but we dont care. we're practically sisters.

i can remember another time where i made myself go to things with band for seventh and eighth grade. i never watned to go to concerts anymore. i loved playing my flute. maybe it was things that was going on with jenna and andrea, since we had been friends for so long, but people change. that wasn't it though, and nor is that something to take offense to. i remember my cat getting injured and then i just stopped going to honro band, then i didnt want to go to marching band, or even the other things that i had to do, i never did want to. i dont know what it was. maybe that was when i first started to show signs of depression. i eventually ended up quitting band after my freshman year in high school, to only pick it up again my sophmore year in college, but only to drop it again.

seventh grade was when i had my first crush on a guy. patrick k. i cant even remember how to spell his last name. i was rejected. of course. maybe this greatly dropped my self esteem. something did at one point. i crushed on him until eighth grade, until after i started to listen to nine inch nails. probably about half way through that year was when i stopped liking him. who knows. but that was really stupid, and thinking back, a total waste of time.

another time i can remember is when i was at a coworker of my dad's house. and there, people were saying, don't put on that fake depression act, where i was sitting in a chair by myself. maybe i wasn't. it might not have been an act. my black make up and clothes might have emphasized it. but i never wanted to admit it. i wanted to prove people wrong i guess.

or maybe it was when andrea clark and i stopped talking. that situation was so stupid. who knows why we stopped talking and why we were so mad at each other. its so far in the past that i cant remember what it was. maybe because i thought was too good. maybe she was too busy to talk to me. i dont know, but its in the past. it was just another friend to lose. maybe that pushed my depression a little more, not wanting to let another girl into my life because i was tired of being hurt by my friends.

josh was my first boyfriend. hes not one that i talk about much. i cant stand to talk about him. that is not something that i am happy about in my past life. but at the time, i guess i was. i had fits of anger for no reason at all. maybe that was another sign of my depression. i cant really remember anytimes where i was trying to go out any where at this time, and didn't want to. i wouldnt say i noticed anything about depression until he broke up with me. even then, i was quick to get over it.

my junior year in high school as when my severe depression came about, or atleast more of the signs. everyone knows the story. andrew ogden. the break up. the worst thing that has happened to me. there is no use in telling the story again. everyone knows theyve heard it more then once. his words ring in my head to this day, almost three years later "promise me that you wont be depressed". i told him i couldnt make that promise because i was going to be depressed. maybe he knew i had depression and he knew what he was doing to me.who knows about that either.

i never did get help. in health classes, when they talked about depression, i wondered if i was and i just ignored it. i finally resorted to getting help when tim told me that i needed help, and that he wasnt talkign to the same person anymore. its not a good thing to hear your best friend telling you that he isn't talking to the same person he has talked to for years before. so i went to counseling, and passed up my stubbornness and went on anti depressants, which i am still not comfortable taking to this day. and its been quite a few months.

its a battle i hope to win. i will try everything i can, and i probably will never know the real cause of it. it just might be the chemical imabalances in my brain.

alone

how i feel. ive been battling with my lonesomeness starting from the beginning of the summer it seems. why is it the summer that always makes me feel like this?

the one who i want, doesnt want me. the ones who want me, i dont want. and no, i dont think its because of the one i want. i could be wrong, but i dont think so. all of my friends are with someone, and yet again, im the only one who is without. i cant help but feel this way, and im sure i have already offended one of my friends with the comment. i love them, dont get me wrong. i just feel like outside of a party that i wasnt invited to, thanks to dane cook for that one.

i almost feel like im going to be stubborn like this for the rest of my life. and why is it the weekend when i start to feel bad! i feel so lonely, and liek no one is going to come along. i havent felt like i have been looking, they tell you not to.

i just dont know what else to type. i hate the fact that i am in love with my best friend, and he's too scared to lose our friendship. im not too worried about nothing happenning between as long as i have him in my life, i dont care if we get married or not.

i dont konw what else to say now. no one is going to read it, and when they give me advice, ill just shrug it off and call it annoying, and be stubborn about it. i wish i could change myself, but im afraid i will never be able to.

Yoga Poses and Depression

i did yoga yesterday morning at my salon for 41 minutes. the rest of the day, i felt relieved, fine, and only a little bit depressed.

today, another story. its been a wretched day, i guess you could say. it could be worse. i went to go to work this morning and my car wouldnt start. it still sits in my driveway because i havent managed to get my father out there to look at it. i feel like nothing, and like nothing matters, and no one cares. like im going to be alone for the rest of my life and no one would care that im not here, even though i know its not true.

i feel like i feel like im losing my only friend from ball state, my other best friend has found a "girlfriend", even though he has still been talking to me, i havent seen him in almost a week. i miss hanging out with him, and i miss talking to my other friend from ball state. my other best friend, her boyfriend broke up with her, and i still cant manage to push myself to go see her. i know how she's feeling, but i cant manage to do it. i dont know if it because of my depression. i hate to be a baby about all this, but i just hate it. i hate that my happiness is dependent on a man, and on medication that i take all the time. am i realy dependent on a man?? ive been feeling like this for a while, even before he got his girlfriend. is that even it? im sure it is adding to it, but so is everything else, with my car not starting, friends leaving me behind, seeing ex boyfriends at work all the time, and they dont bother to help me when some bread almost topples on top of me.

there is my vent for now. i dont feel better though.........

Clarkston: Day Three

We left south bend at about Twelve thirty, and finally made it to Clarkston about four thirty, and got checked into the hotel. We sat around for about a half hour, cooled off the room, and unpacked our stuff for the night. The room we got was very nice, and I will totally visit back there. There was a lake right outside the back of the place, and it was a great price for what you got. We left for the venue about 515 and got there in a very short time. We waited in line for about 10-15 minutes before we got in. The venue was really nice! One of the nicest i have ever been to. The landscaping was nice, and it was very comfortable.

Street Sweeper Social Club was very good yet again. No complaints, except I kind of wished that they changed up their set list instead of playin the same thing, but when you are a new artist, that's what happens. You people should check out their new CD that comes out June 16!

Nails came on abotu 730, and i was very dissapointed because they didnt last for much more then an hour, which i kind of wondered if it was because of the venue and being on a sunday night. Their set list was this that night:

Now I'm Nothing
Terrible Lie
Sin
march of the pigs
Piggy
The Frail
The Wretched
Discipline
Burn
Gave Up
La Mer
Lights in the Sky
Non-Entity
The Downward Spiral
Wish
Survivalism
The Hand That Feeds
Head Like a Hole

Not much more to say about them now! It was great to see Non-Entity and Lights in the Sky and Now I'm Nothing. the seats we had were great, and we didn't bother to stay through Jane's because Tim nor I really liked them, so we just left and went back to the hotel and relaxed for the night, and to be off early the next morning.

It was a very nice weekend and i really enjoyed myself, which i am glad about.

Noblesville: Day Two

Noblesville, IN was the second of my Nine Inch Nails following. It was probably the best of the three. I was very amazed. It rained a little bit on the way down there, but nothing of concern. I didn't check the weather before I left because I really wasn't worried about it. We got there, and had to wait in line for like, EVER to get into the doors. there were a lot more people there then when I seen them back in July of '06 with my mom. I dont know if that was on account of Janes Addiciton or not. oh well.

We got to our seats, and by this time, Street Sweeper Social Club was already playign, about half way into their first song. It was just as great as the first time, but it was Tom Morellos' birthday, so they whole audience sang happy birthday to him. :D it was awesome.

Nine Inch Nails then came on. It was very awesome, once again. The setlist was as follows:

Home
1,000,000
Discipline
March of the Pigs
Piggy(Nothing can stop me now)
Metal
Meet Your Master
Head Down
I Do Not Want This
Gave Up
The Fragile
The Downward Spiral
Wish
Survivalism
Mr Self Destruct
Physical (You're So)
Good Soldier
The Hand That Feeds
Head Like a Hole
Hurt (Encore)

About half way through Nails set, the clouds started to build up. There was lightning as well, shortly after. I thoguht it was going to be amazing to watch nails during a storm, but i am also afraid of thunderstorms. Well, I wasnt worried about it too much until the guy behind me came back to his seat and asked if we had heard the tornado sirens going off. Then I got scared. It poured and i was very amazed that the venue didnt do anythign about the fact that there were tornadoes in the area. But, besides the storm, it wasw very awesome, and now I think about it, it was very cool to see nails duringa storm. The girl I met on NIN.com was at this show, and i got to meet her for the first time. She was on the floor, right in front of trent, front row. i was jealous. she later messaged me when janes was on and said that she got trents water bottle. I was SOO jealous then.

Janes addiction Finally came on. The storm had passed at this point, and we only stayed for about three songs of Janes set. Dave Navarro looked pretty awesome, but that was proly the only good part about it. They had great energy. The lead singer apparently sings from his balls, which is probably why he sounds like he does when he does sing.

We finally made it home about two thirty, and the next day was Clarkston, Michigan show.

Chicago: Day One

Chicago was amazing! We got there in good time and we stood in line for about....2 1/2 hours maybe?? I dont know. We payed 20 bucks to park, and later found out that we could have parked for free since they already had charged us for parking on the tickets we bought.
We finally got in and made it in front of the center of the stage, even though it wasn't very close...but its still my favorite spot. Then, I turned and the creepsters from the Fort Wayne show were there and they made a B-Line right for me. luckily, we soon lost them and they didnt get a chance to steal my shit like they tried to do at Fort Wayne. Other people i happened to notice was a guy with argyle pink arm warmers with long hair that was in braided pigtails.

Street Sweeper Social Club went on before eight even, which was nice. They rocked! Tom Morello was very awesome, and I enjoyed watching him. Glad its only the first time I seen him of this weekend and I'll get to see him two more times. Hopefully they play some other songs tonight and tomorrow.

Then Nine Inch Nails came on. The show was awesome. The set list followed as this:

Somewhat Damaged
Terrible Lie
Heresy
March of the Pigs
Piggy
Metal
The Becoming
I'm Afraid of Americans
Burn
Gave Up
The Frail
La Mer
The Fragile
Gone, Still
Underneath it All
Wish
Survivalism
Mr Self Destruct
Suck
The Day The World Went Away
Hurt
Hand That Feeds
Head Like a Hole

We were on the floor for the show, and we tried to get fairly close, but people were being jerks about it. everyone pushed forward, which was expected, but it got really really bad. It was so bad I wasn't able to breathe, and neither could Mark's girlfriend. he almost got into a fight with the guy next to us because we were accidently pushing but that was because of other people were pushing as well, so the guy got a case of the ass. We ended up moving back so we could actually enjoy the show a little better. It went much better back further. Between Suck and The Day The World Went Away, Trent announced how it was the last tour that Nails will be doing, and it was very sad. During Hurt, I bawled like a baby!! I was surprised that it was the only time i really cried on the tours.

We made it back abotu two thirty after almost getting lost in Chicago.

My 3 Day "Vacation"

Tonight is the first of my Nine Inch Nails Adventure. Chicago with Street Sweeper Social Club, Followed by Nails. Then tomorrow, Indy with those two plus Janes Addiction. Sunday, the third and final day with the same people in Clarkston Michigan. This is the "Wave Goodbye" tour with Nine Inch Nails. I will write here each night [i hope] and let you know how it goes! and if not for you, for me to remember this unforgettable weekend [that doesnt make sense]

Here we go to CHICAGO!!!

its a lonely ol' night

its another lonely night. its like, the third one in a row this week. I dont know why i have been feeling this way but it is driving me nuts. i thought i was finally happy, and maybe i am, but i just want someone.
but how can i want someone if that is the one thing that i am afraid of. i dont know what to do about this. sometimes, i just want to be with him, but i know that isnt going to work, not now, prolly not ever. i dont know what to do about that either.

is this how it is going to be for the rest of my life? am i going to be too scared to get into a relationship, but be lonely all at the same time.

what to do, what to do.

so proud!

i love you.....
im here for you...
always

i feel so useless

i try to be a friend. i really do. i just never feel up to par. i miss heather a lot, and she doesnt even believe that i do. it really bothers me. there are a lot of things that bother me that i just keep in. ugghhhhh. it makes me feel useless and horrible. she is one of my best friends, and of course i miss her! i think about how she is doing all the time, and atleast try to talk to her all the time. i went down to visit her, and if i had more money, i would go down there more often.
i just dont think its fair. i mean, i guess it wouldnt be related to fairness. i know there are things that go through her mind where she doesnt think she matters to anyone else because they are happy doing other things. i was miserable at ball state, but that was not because of her at all. thats for sure. she made me happy to be there for the time i was there! if it wasnt for her, i would have left long ago, and she was the reason why i went back this after this summer cause i didnt want to then. im happy here in south bend, yes, dont get me wrong, but i miss her a lot too and i even wish she could be here as well, and then maybe she would be happy too! i wish there was something i could do to help her be happy and love life like i am slowly starting to do. i worry about her on a daily basis, espeically about her health. it scares me the most. i wish i could be there to help with that, but i couldnt when i was there, and there was no way that i was leaving because of it. i think im starting to ramble on because im late, and now im hurt, so now i will just start to ramble on more and more im sure, and probaly in the end, ill piss someone off and hurt someone like i normally do. :(
i feel so useless as a friend.

dream...journal...for real this time

i created a dream journal today. i am very happy to start this, i might just start to examine them more. i hope..something like that.



check it out:

http://onlyinmydreams-ninreznorgirl.blogspot.com/

missing Nine Inch Nails concert?!?

never in my life would i ever let this happen, but last night I dreamt that i was missing the saturday nine inch nails show in may because i forgot about it and had to work! i couldnt believe it was happening in my dream. i was at wal mart with my sister helping me work and i realized that i was going to miss nine inch nails. so, i some how left work, and was driving through the ghetto with Street Sweeper on, and of course, they say the 'N' word in the song, so the people in the ghetto didn't like it very much. of course. i ended up getting to the show, i dont knwo how because it was the one in indianapolis. i got there and it was a sit down place, and julia greenwood was there, and she was mad at me because she didn't want to be there that early.

i guess its a fear that i have that i might miss a nine inch nails concert or something would happen that i would not be able to go to one.

i really think im going to turn my blog into a dream journal because those are the only exiciting things that happen in my life anymore. haha.

Last night, this morning

i think i should just make my blog my dream diary. lol. ive been having really strange ones lately, and i havent even been telling anyone about them, which is strange. most of the time is because i dont think that i can really remember them, but i sit in classes all day and ponder what i was dreaming and try to remember them because something sets my mind off to what happened or if i had dreamt about it.

last night, i think i was in a castle, and people were chasing after me, and firing long harpoon things at me. I think i managed to retreat to a modern basement in this castle, where there were some guys that i went to high school with, i think it was chris bolka, and stephen piazza(who i never talked to)and they were playing video games in a room that looked very similar to one at the student center at BSU. Even while i was in the basement, the lady who was firing things at me was still taking aim at me, so i ran upstairs and outdoors into crowds of people who were on spring break maybe? but i dont remember how, but some other guys got mixed up with me and we were seperated in groups like slaves and cattle. i remeber being in a room with two other guys, and a bed in the middle that moved. Lasers suddenly appeared and aimed at any movement that was there, and i was not allowed into the bed because there wasnt room, so i had to roll aroudn the floor to get away from the lasers. next thing i know, i was in showers where i had to shower in front of everyone because there were no curtains. i dont remember much more but i think what i did manage to remember was crazy enough

dreams

the other night, i had a dream about beau. it has been the second one that i have had about him in the past two weeks or so. the first one was just whatever, the second, was a little more, even though i dnot remember too much, just yelling at him and running into a bathroom to be comforted by liz and to soon take a soothing shower. i dont want to think about him, he's not in my life, things are done, and im happy with the way things are. or am i?

i miss him. or maybe i just miss the cuddling and the constant compliments and the constant text messaging, and just having someone there. but i feel like im happy the way things are, but maybe deep down, im not, and im just a little hurt still. i don't know how to explain it, or what to even think about it.

i think its just the night time thing, that my medication from the day wears off and i just sit here and think more about things. a number of things cross my mind, and i just dotn know what to think abotu them at all or even what to write about, and if i do think of something, i dont know if i am comfotable with putting them on the internet.

i dotn know what i miss.

maybe just seeing a nine inch nails concert. haha.

nightly lonesomeness and commercials

during the day, im fine. i sit in bed and study at night, and this seems to be the time i think of the day, and reflect. i'm not alone, i have my friends, and im so happy with being single. but yet again, i have a second thought about how im not and how i want to be with someone.

i still think about what my counsellor at ball state asked me about why i think life should revolve around love. one thing i really think about is when they advertise things like, match.com and eharmony, and all those things. i feel like those are just pressure for someone to be with someone else. you can live without a significant other. i have found this out. these commercials seem to just put pressure on a single person that they need a significant other, when one doesnt always need one. i always wondered before i had my first boyfriend when that would finally happen and i mourned being alone. years later, i learn that you dont need a significant other to not be alone, all you need is your friends.

im not alone, so why do i feel like it?

today is a day to feel alone

its 11:30 on a monday night, and i think about beau.

why do i feel lonely? i couldnt tell you right now. i also think about some of the reasons and some of the possible hidden reasons, especially behind beau and i's break up. was it because i was fearing what i knew was not true? the same with andrew? am i cursed to be alone for the rest of my life because i fear things too often? so far, tim has been the one to stick it out with me, even though we are not boyfriend, girlfriend, which is fine with me right now. is this how it is going to be with everyone that i am eventually with? how can i cut back this fear and not worry about things that may just ruin my life. in the end, i might be cursed and not be able to have children in the end and the by that time, it already has been too late for atleast one.

i am not capable of being loved? am i capable of loving someone back, or letting someone in and not being able to trust someone knew without getting hurt. i just dont know what to do anymore. i go back and forth with the feelings of loneliness and even my stupid depression. i feel like i am fine one day, and the next, i want to be with someone, or let someone in.

i'm lost in my life. where do i go? do i like this computer science stuff? i think so. i read up more on jobs and i liek what i could be getitng myself into, i just wish i could jump ahead about five years and see where i am at. i want my own place, i want my own family, with my pets and boyfriend, fiance, or husband, i want to know where my career is going, or even just starting out in my career. even if half of that happens in five years, i would be happy with that.

i wish i could make things work with him, but i dont look forward to that happening, and like i have said before, im just happy with him being my best friend. that works just fine for me.

i read in a book today about someone with depression and one of the things that help grow out of it is social support. i think that is one thing that is helping me grow out of this a little bit.

okay, thats my rant for the day. i think i feel better, all the other stuff in my head won't come out into words.

money and friends.. part deux

well, my other friends birthday is coming up. i have a total of 53.00 in my bank account and she wants me to join her in grand rapids for the weekend. oh how much i would love to go, but i am afraid that i will not be able to because i cannot afford it. i worked a whole seven and half hours this weekend and i will get about as much money as i did for this week, 54.00, and i cannot afford to take off.

someone help me... i am going to end up disappointing my friends because i cannot afford things to go do with them, and will be slaving over work on the weekends. atleast i am trying to save money and then....ahh fuck.....that will prolly end up going to school. :( stupid stuff. i wish my friends knew how much i care and how much i would love to put itno these things for them. bahhhh...

strangle me, someone, or give me a winning lottery ticket so i could take them all to a paradise far far away from this mess.

i should go back to counselling and maybe i wont feel so bad about this.

Money and Friends.

here i sit and i feel horrible about not being able to drive to see my friend this weekend for valentines day because i am not able to afford to go. she was planning on coming to see me and im not able to work around it with work because i only work two days a week, and i cannot afford to take off for the weekend that she wants to come. i feel horrible about this because i am poor and trying to see my friends at the same time.
so now i dont have a date for valentines day because i cannot work around this issue. it makes me sad because i wasnt going to be alone, and now i am.

i dont know what else to say about this. its all jumbled in my head and i cannot get it straight.

you have a friend in me, maybe.

its another winter day. abotu two below was the high today, and the coldness of outdoors almost matches the coldness of my heart right now. i have very few friends, and i love them to death, but sometimes i feel like my caring for them is almost a waste of my time. this might be a stupid thought, and it might offend people, but i just wish people would show much how much they do care for me, and how much i do mean to them, because sometimes i feel like i am nothing to them. i put them at the top of my list, and make them number one, and drop things for my friends to show how much i care, and sometimes i dont feel like they even notice, or care. things come up, like blogs, and questions, and i cant answer. because i can't answer these, i feel inferior and feel like i cant match up to what others can do for them. i feel helpless and i feel like i cant do anything about it. i feel like i can be the last one to know, and like no one can tell me anything, and that there isn't any trust there for me. i just dont know what to say anymore.

i just feel like a worthless friend and that i just dont matter to anyone.

i think i need to go back to my counselor.

January 5

it was a bright sunny day today, and i'm glad it was. today was three years since andrew had broke up with me. hard to believe it has been that long. i spent part of the day with tim, and the other part shopping, now i'm just relaxing thinking about other things, for once. it was the first in the three years where i didn't dwell on the thought of andrew, and how i wish he would be here, quite frankly, its the first time i didnt want him to be here. on my way to target this afternoon, i had realized that i was a sunny day and that maybe it was a sign for things to finally get better, and for me to finally leave andrew in the past. he is there for the most part, but i still tend to think of him, not as much as i was though. i woke up this morning and it took me a half hour to finally realize that today was the fifth, which is another good sign. maybe things are finally looking up for good now.

all i hope that i can say to myself is Happy 2009, without the thought of andrew.

Goodbye 2008, Hello 2009

Here i sit, in my room alone. i was not alone tonight, but i was not with the one i really wanted to be with. this is the time of year i hate. i tried the drinking game three years ago tonight. it failed miserably. i really dont want to go into the story of it, but lets just say i lost the one i thought that i was in love with and thought that i would spend the rest of my life with. well, that wasn't true. ever since then, i have dreaded this day. last year was the first year i didnt cry, but this year is different. the only reason is because i'm alone. i have had bouts this year from whether or not i want to be alone, or if i want to be with someone. this is the time of year i wish i was with someone, but not wanting to be at the same time.

2008 brought me a deal of whatever....i can't even think of what this year has brought me. i have made my best friends that will last a lifetime, even through girlfriends, fights about alcohol, and whatever else has happened. i can remember the earthquake that woke my sleeping room mate and i, and finally making my decision to move back home. opening myself up to date someone, only to be shit on again. i have recently been given the possible opportunity to date my best friend, which i dont know if it is a good idea or not yet, but its going to be slow, so i hope that is good. i got to see nine inch nails two times, going with my best friends to both shows. they also released two albums in one year, which was entirely amazing. i was diagnosed with depression, and got drunk a second time in march, which i am not entirely proud of. lets just say that 2008 was better then it was three years ago, and it can always get better.

lets hope that 2009 will bring me the luck i have been working hard to get to. or maybe this year will shit on me too.