You're my best friend

Steve is out. As of now. I'm tired of him treating me like shit, and just wanting me for sex. I thought i was done with all this. Now I wonder about Tim. He says that he will always be there for me, but I needed him last night and he never answered me. I don't know. I understand that he is busy, and he has his own thing going on, but really....please don't tell me you are always there for me and when I needed you, you weren't there once again. I feel like I keep bugging him all the time, and I feel like I keep bugging my friends all the time cause I've been so down in the dumps lately. But its always about the same thing, and I think that my friends get tired of hearing about it. And I sometimes hate that its always for the same reason. I wish I could just put all of my suspicions aside and just live without worry about everything that goes on with all my friends and whether or not they care or what not. I know they care. I know they love me. I just wish I could trust that and be ok with that and just not worry about if they don't text me back or they don't text me at all. I just need to chill out and I don't know how. Gahh.

I have so many plans this weekend, and right now, I just don't want to do any of it! I'm going to make myself do it. But I know that it will be a hard task, but I can do it. I know I can.

"mommy, i dont wanna go to school because of the bully"

there has been a lot of things in the news recently about school bullies, and it keeps getting worse it seems. i was watching anderson cooper 360 last night and they had dr. phil on, with an expert, and a past bully, and mothers of children who have recently committed suicide. in the past month or so, there have been, what, five suicides or so because the teens have been bullied because they are gay, or what not. one girl had a topless picture that was spread around the school so she killed herself. and the others killed themselves because they were made fun of for being gay. its just unacceptable. and as my mom said, its just the males. for the females, it is accepted to be gay by the guys because they think its hot. i was always bullied through high school, and never did i think about killing myself because of being bullied, i just got so angry about it that i just wanted to hit someone in the mouth. it wasnt until after high school that i started to feel somewhat suicidal, but i got help before anything.

adults dont seem to be helping much either, until it is too late. teachers dont know what to do, or just dont even know about it because the students are too scared to go to someone because they are afraid to be called a snitch, or even get beat up about stuff. i was always one to tell someone about what was going on, and then i was called a snitch and what not. when teachers find out about something, they need to learn how to deal with it. they dont know how to. and it doesnt seem like administrations and stuff really care about it. money shouldnt be a problem either, it has nothing to do with money, maybe to get a meeting together or soemthing like that.

if you are being bullied, then tell someone, i know it is hard. but you have to do something. someone needs to change the world around, and that change may start with you. the bully may have problems at home, or problems with themselves and they might need as much help as you do as well. if you are feeling like harming yourself, go to someone. get help with that as well. there is hope out there, you can make it. after high school, things start to get better for the most part, you can get through it. it might be a long road, but there is light at the end of the tunnel.

nothing can stop me now cause i dont care anymore

today was day four that i was going on without talking to steve. he's been strange lately. but that was it. he texted me today asking me for the same thing that he's wanted, and that i have hardly gave up to him since we broke up. i told him no, but that i would still come over, and he said he didnt want me over because all he wanted was sex. so i asked him why he has been acting so strange. so he told me, you know that we will not be anything more then friends. no shit sherlock, thats all i have to say. i cant go back to you so you can treat me like shit again. so i told him i know that nothing will work out between us. why do you think i broke up with you in the first place? so im done. that was the last straw. i cant take it anymore. this is my strength back again. im getting past this. but im sure you will be hawking me back within time, like all the other guys. im just tired of guys, period. i wish i could meet one that would put me above everything else, and everyone else. but i guess that will be someday, but for now, i have to concentrate on my school and all the other things that are much more important to me then steve wanting me to have sex with him and then not talking to me after that. i cant tear my self up like that again. i dont do it anymore to myself, its not good for me.

so, its back to on my own again. but i can do it. ive done it before. been through andrew and back.

nothing can stop me now, cause i dont care anymore.

as for school, i hope that my math scores can finally rebound. i need to learn to study it, yeah, i should know how to do this already, but apparently not. ill figure something out cause i can do it. i will succeed. oooo, listen to my positive talk. go me.

sometimes it hurts.

my metaphor for my "recovery", the stairs. this week, i felt like ive tripped when i was on the walk up and im falling backward again. ive kind of felt like this lately, but today, ive just felt like giving up again. on it all. but i cant. i can do this. but its hard. where did my strength go? i thought i was strong, i was going to get through. i didnt need to depend on anyone, that i could do it. and now, i just feel like ive fallen back on people again. texting them all the time, waiting for a response that hardly ever comes. i just need to depend on myself, no one else. whats the point of having this damn phone if i dont use it? why spend all this money on shit when no one ever responds. maybe im just a nuisance to people. thats what i feel like atleast.

hold me now i need to feel complete

i feel selfish. my friends grandfather passed away. i put on face book that my thoughts go out to the family. his girlfriend put it up there, and his cousins all responded to her, and not me at all. i feel this is so stupid, immature and very childish. how can i take someones pain and turn it into my own selfish thoughts?

it makes me feel ugly. unwanted. unneeded, and then on top of it all, selfish. i just want someone to hold me now. i just wanna cry to someone. i want to talk to him, but i cant do that, because im selfish, and he has his own things to worry about, he doesnt need to hear about what is going on with me, and that its his pain that i am creating my own pain from.

days like this i hate. i dont want to be single. i want to be with someone. i dont want to live at home. i want my own place. i want to feel ok. ive been doing good. why am i falling backwards again. i know they say that it wont happen in one day, and there are such things as set backs, and i guess this is my set back. i just feel selfish. turning someone elses pain into my own. dont give me your sympathy. im not wanting it, but deep down i am. its hard to explain. i guess its just me being selfish, wanting someones world to revolve around me. me and me alone. to love me. to care. to want me for more then just sexual pleasure.

three months and ive been sober.

well, i decided that even though i thought that my welbutrin was my weakest link in my current medications, it is a LINK and i should never again skip taking it two days until i get paid so i can buy more. it wasnt a voluntary thing, im just tired of using mom and dads money. i want to have responsibility for what i need (except food because i will NEVER be able to afford that until i get a full time job i think). my prescriptions especially because they already have to pay medical bills for me going to leslye, and now medical bills for elles knee, and im sure that isnt quite over yet. but i could be wrong. who knows.
so my paycheck mostly went for my scripts. now its going to stay in my account until next thursday, except for gas, which i will soon need to buy cause it will be the weekend again and ill be running all over town for work again. my next paycheck i hope will go mainly to an alignment on my car, which is badly needed and hopefully get my laptop paid off. oh money, how i hate thee.

my nana is moving back home. im thrilled, but dreading all at the same time. its just another thing to feel guilty about not going to see because of my busyness or whatever other excuse i can come up with. cause im sure i will find one. i feel like im withdrawing from my friends again. this time not on purpose, its just happening. i havent talked to tim in like a week and a half, and this is because im tired of him saying one thing and doing another. he hasnt attempted to contact me, nor have i him. im almost to busy to care, but then again, it leaves my heart empty that he hasnt contacted me, but im sure its not just because of him. my heart is just, empty. but i guess its a feeling i should be used to right now.

some days i feel like im falling backward, some days, i just wanna get away because people are driving me nuts. i wish i could have my own place with as many cats as i want so i dont have to listen to bickering about money, or having my own opinions about the way things are being done and then im shunned for when i try to speak about it so i just hold it in because i dont feel anyone understands it. i want to hit people in the face for being hypocrites, lazy, dont do their jobs right, or just dont know how to drive. i think i need a punching bag.

i have started to notice a slow result in my body from working out. even though i may only work out once or twice a week. if im lucky, three times a week. its slowly starting to transform my body, even though i dont feel different, and its not helping my feelings of uggghhh any more.

well this is my passing of the time rant. im sure there is a lot more i could type but i cant think of any.

I fly like paper, im high like a plane.

Warblers are that surprise that you don’t expect. They’re that little glimpse of joy in the underbrush, or the forest canopy, they often find us when the light is filtered through leaves, trees, things that can be beautiful in their own right, but block the light. Warblers remind me that there is also something to smile about, something to chase after, to keep moving for, even if it’s something very small. Small doesn’t mean it’s not important, it just means you have to pay attention, and be willing to notice things that most people never see at all. Whatever is happening in your life I hope you find your warbler to bring a smile to your face, to make you remember a happy memory, or just to be reminded that even in the killing heat there is still song and a bird no bigger than my three fingers put together singing joyfully, courageously, who doesn’t know that there is such a thing as hopelessness.~ Laurell K. Hamilton

this reminds me of something my counselor wanted me to try to do. look ahead to things, whether they are small, or large, there is always something to look forward to in life. recently, ive been feeling the medium i have been feeling for a while. its been a while since ive had a down day. the last down day that i had was a weekend that i kept remembering those slowly fading, but still vivid memories of andrew. it made me miss him, and hate him for him having a family and having a happy life. we drove by greensburg on the way to tennessee. i was hoping that my dad didnt stop there. and he didnt. he kept going. it was mentioned later about my facebook status that mentioned him stopping there. he said i thought you would be over this. i didnt have an easy, explainable reason. i'm over it, yet something like that, where i havent been to in almost five years, that he was the only person that i experienced greensburg with and its just a painful memory of his current happiness and my floundering back and forth between hating myself and being ok with myself.

why cant i just do shock treatment, and get rid of just andrew. thats the only thing that i have heard of that deletes memories, but the only thing. it deletes all memories. not just the ones i hate. so much for that idea.

i try too much

im not perfect, but im hurting myself striving to be. i move from this chair i will cut myself. im scared. i just cant do anything right. i think i am and i fuck something up. i hate being numb. i hate people mad at me. i hate feeling helpless. i hate all the strained relationships.i hate myself. i hate that i hate myself. i just dont know what to type. and att he top i hate that i think that this is self centered thinking.

heart break hotel

am i just a horrible person? i wouldnt call it a good thing that i have no sympathy for ones recent heartbreaks. all i can think of when i was in high school and i went through what they were going through at the age of 16 and almost no one wanted to reach out to me and say, we can make it through. you can do it. all i got was, just get over it from many many people. some i just didnt even try to talk to about stuff, well partially cause not everyone needs to know my business and its not like i was close with everyone in my high school class. i dont know. i think im just cynical once again. my heart goes out to your heartbreak, but in the end, i just keep thinking about karma. what you are feeling now, i felt for over a year at the age of 16. i dont know, maybe this is just stupid. does anyone else feel this way? has anyone gone through what i went through? not like it was the worst thing that could have happened to me, and im sure it was not the worst thing that will happen to me. im sure people have it worse then what i did. not saying that. thats just not right. but to go through what i went through, that was a lot of pain to deal with. that was a lot for a young girl. others are now five-six years older then what i was and now they are dealing with it. i dont know. i just dont know what else to say besides: "Man, doesn't it suck? now you know what i went through five years ago in high school"

im so horrible.

those summer nights

another summer night, and i must say, i have been keeping myself busy enough this summer to keep my mind off of anything bad happening or any of the bad things that could happen.

i did nothing for the forth. i worked. last night i sat at home and did what i am doing tonight, drank a wine cooler, and read my book. except tonight i have a computer on my lap and my book closed next to me.

my sims game wont work on my new laptop, so i decided to build my own desktop, which will be about 600 to 700 dollars. i have about a thousand dollars more to save. which makes me feel bad cause i dont feel like im putting money away just to put money away. its always to save for something only to go to spend it. maybe ill just start taking some money out of one savings to put into my never touch except for emergency savings. why does money always have to get in the way? well, a good thing is that vocational rehabilitation is going to help pay for school because of my depression affecting my schooling so much. which will help me and my family out alot. im not sure how much they will pay for, but im hoping for quite a bit. now only if i can get the state to pay for all my medications like they pay for everyone elses. hmmmm..... at least they are going to spend money on me for something. it would be great.

as for the rest of the summer... i kind of met a guy. his name is tim and he works for home city ice. i havent got to do anything with him on a count of work, so ive kind of been talking to him. not alot though. steve has been keeping me company which helps out a lot. ive been shrugging off a lot of things that i cant stand about him and just leave or stop talking to him when it does happen.

i feel like this is a pointless writing. but i guess its an update for my two followers. oh yay.