Oh my beautiful liar, oh my precious whore

The sounds of The Downward Spiral filter in through my ears and into my brain. I can't help but either feel pain, or feel much of nothing. More or so leaning towards a dark nothing. There is no reason for me to feel this way over this reason. It's beyond control right now and I should just move on. Move on? Hah. What a joke. So much easier said then done. Move on to what? A hopeful job 50 minutes away, not even knowing if it's the job I want. Look for the future they say. Nope. Once again, tried that and plans were spoiled. Well, there weren't many plans because I've learned. This is why I don't plan so far a head on things. Ok sure, I'm graduating in May. That's about the only plan I have definite right now. I haven't even thought about what to buy people for Christmas and that's a month away! Right now, I'm thinking towards finals week, and to get this semester out of the way, and on to my last one. Other then that, there are no plans for anything, social, family, anything. There's a New Years party, but once again, I don't have anyone for New Years. Trying not to dwell on that fact because there are more important things to worry about... I think?? Crocheting for people or myself maybe? I don't really even have a project planned for that next! I had a few ideas, but nothing definite. Mainly because I'm broke and have no money, after spending it on bills for my headboard, kohls, job interview dress, cell phone, and car insurance. I know, that's probably nothing compared to some people, but, I don't care. Just gonna try to ignore the situation and get through the days maybe? Hard to ignore it, but its gotta come down to something.

Sometimes I wonder what about me makes it so easy for people to just throw away when they don't feel the need for me to be around anymore. Sometimes I feel it is just one more reason why I don't try to make too many friends because no matter how close they are to me, I always manage to screw something up, or am not worth enough to people to keep me in their lives. And after this I dont know waht else to say. I'm to the point where there is nothing new to say, and I just don't really feel much of anything besides hurt or nothing it seems. Sometimes I feel joy, but it doesn't happen often. I'm just glad I at least still have Liz in my life, and now Rob to keep me stable and on track. Thanks guys

sleeping by yourself at night can make you feel alone

i have since been put on yet another medication, even after an increase in dosage on my welbutrin from 300 to 450. i have started on deplin now, which isnt an anti depressant, but another supplement that may help with the anti depressants. i feel as if i have lost my appetite since going on this new medication, and that im not as hungry as i have been before, but it sneaks up on me, and wham, ill be hungry with a growling stomach and an increasing headache. im not sure what things that go on with me may be a side effect of all the pills im on, or what. i have horrible dry mouth, all the time it seems. i drink a ton of water at work, and yet i never feel like i am hydrated. this medication sucks.

its a slow process, this improving stuff. i still have a hard time motivating myself to do much of anything really. homework, has been the worst lately. today, i felt like i was dragging ass all day, and i could have just stayed home and crocheted in my bed or kept sleeping, which wouldnt help me not drag ass. it only seems to make it worse. i dont know if this is a side effect, which makes no sense, but who knows. i want to feel motivated and energetic. maybe i need to workout more? have people force me to do things? i never feel like im included in anything with anyone anymore. sometimes i just dont feel anything. im just here. no bad feelings, no good feelings. just here. or i just feel so out of it, zoned in on something else, and that somethign else is deff not my school work.

ive been trying to meet people. but sometimes that seems to fall through all the time, but lately its been a little better.

i just never know what to say anymore it seems. which is why i havent wrote in a long time. i dont want to spout out on here and offend someone because i could do it so very easily. which, may be another reason to add to the havent wrote in forever list.

i sometimes feel totally selfish. i wish someone would show me that im not. or that im not cynical or a bitter bitter person against all these people that i see at work or on the road, etc. i dont want to be a hypocrite, which i do all the time im sure. i just want to be comfortable in my skin for once.

let it burn let it burn

been a while since ive wrote. just dont feel like writing, or i feel like writing and i dont feel like writing about the same thing i always write about. New years came and went once again. this is the first year i think that i havent cried. i think im just numb to the pain. which i dont even know if it is even there anymore since it has been five years. i dont need to cry over him. but day after day, the memories of being with him still flash in my mind whne i hear songs, or see something that reminds me of him. why cant i just forget and never remember again. soemtimes i feel like im still trying to fill the void that he has left inside me, even though that void has been filled with pain and darkness, and i dont know if it makes me scared to let anyoen else in, in fear of opening up that void anymore then what it is and let more pain and darkness fall into it.

some days i just wish i could see someone and say, thats it. and just fall head over heels. i felt it with andrew on our first date, and how i knew that he was what i wanted at the point. there are so many things that i wish i could change, but i know that i cant, and someone will probably read this and tell me to just lay off it. its hard to explain to people, unless they know. someday ill fill that void with light and happiness. i just dont know when that day will come along. i just hope that it is sooner then later.

i am in a new semester of school. same shit, different day. did my taxes, not getting any thing back but 17 dollars, but owing the state 33. thank you... you stupid ass politicians.

You're my best friend

Steve is out. As of now. I'm tired of him treating me like shit, and just wanting me for sex. I thought i was done with all this. Now I wonder about Tim. He says that he will always be there for me, but I needed him last night and he never answered me. I don't know. I understand that he is busy, and he has his own thing going on, but really....please don't tell me you are always there for me and when I needed you, you weren't there once again. I feel like I keep bugging him all the time, and I feel like I keep bugging my friends all the time cause I've been so down in the dumps lately. But its always about the same thing, and I think that my friends get tired of hearing about it. And I sometimes hate that its always for the same reason. I wish I could just put all of my suspicions aside and just live without worry about everything that goes on with all my friends and whether or not they care or what not. I know they care. I know they love me. I just wish I could trust that and be ok with that and just not worry about if they don't text me back or they don't text me at all. I just need to chill out and I don't know how. Gahh.

I have so many plans this weekend, and right now, I just don't want to do any of it! I'm going to make myself do it. But I know that it will be a hard task, but I can do it. I know I can.

"mommy, i dont wanna go to school because of the bully"

there has been a lot of things in the news recently about school bullies, and it keeps getting worse it seems. i was watching anderson cooper 360 last night and they had dr. phil on, with an expert, and a past bully, and mothers of children who have recently committed suicide. in the past month or so, there have been, what, five suicides or so because the teens have been bullied because they are gay, or what not. one girl had a topless picture that was spread around the school so she killed herself. and the others killed themselves because they were made fun of for being gay. its just unacceptable. and as my mom said, its just the males. for the females, it is accepted to be gay by the guys because they think its hot. i was always bullied through high school, and never did i think about killing myself because of being bullied, i just got so angry about it that i just wanted to hit someone in the mouth. it wasnt until after high school that i started to feel somewhat suicidal, but i got help before anything.

adults dont seem to be helping much either, until it is too late. teachers dont know what to do, or just dont even know about it because the students are too scared to go to someone because they are afraid to be called a snitch, or even get beat up about stuff. i was always one to tell someone about what was going on, and then i was called a snitch and what not. when teachers find out about something, they need to learn how to deal with it. they dont know how to. and it doesnt seem like administrations and stuff really care about it. money shouldnt be a problem either, it has nothing to do with money, maybe to get a meeting together or soemthing like that.

if you are being bullied, then tell someone, i know it is hard. but you have to do something. someone needs to change the world around, and that change may start with you. the bully may have problems at home, or problems with themselves and they might need as much help as you do as well. if you are feeling like harming yourself, go to someone. get help with that as well. there is hope out there, you can make it. after high school, things start to get better for the most part, you can get through it. it might be a long road, but there is light at the end of the tunnel.

nothing can stop me now cause i dont care anymore

today was day four that i was going on without talking to steve. he's been strange lately. but that was it. he texted me today asking me for the same thing that he's wanted, and that i have hardly gave up to him since we broke up. i told him no, but that i would still come over, and he said he didnt want me over because all he wanted was sex. so i asked him why he has been acting so strange. so he told me, you know that we will not be anything more then friends. no shit sherlock, thats all i have to say. i cant go back to you so you can treat me like shit again. so i told him i know that nothing will work out between us. why do you think i broke up with you in the first place? so im done. that was the last straw. i cant take it anymore. this is my strength back again. im getting past this. but im sure you will be hawking me back within time, like all the other guys. im just tired of guys, period. i wish i could meet one that would put me above everything else, and everyone else. but i guess that will be someday, but for now, i have to concentrate on my school and all the other things that are much more important to me then steve wanting me to have sex with him and then not talking to me after that. i cant tear my self up like that again. i dont do it anymore to myself, its not good for me.

so, its back to on my own again. but i can do it. ive done it before. been through andrew and back.

nothing can stop me now, cause i dont care anymore.

as for school, i hope that my math scores can finally rebound. i need to learn to study it, yeah, i should know how to do this already, but apparently not. ill figure something out cause i can do it. i will succeed. oooo, listen to my positive talk. go me.

sometimes it hurts.

my metaphor for my "recovery", the stairs. this week, i felt like ive tripped when i was on the walk up and im falling backward again. ive kind of felt like this lately, but today, ive just felt like giving up again. on it all. but i cant. i can do this. but its hard. where did my strength go? i thought i was strong, i was going to get through. i didnt need to depend on anyone, that i could do it. and now, i just feel like ive fallen back on people again. texting them all the time, waiting for a response that hardly ever comes. i just need to depend on myself, no one else. whats the point of having this damn phone if i dont use it? why spend all this money on shit when no one ever responds. maybe im just a nuisance to people. thats what i feel like atleast.

hold me now i need to feel complete

i feel selfish. my friends grandfather passed away. i put on face book that my thoughts go out to the family. his girlfriend put it up there, and his cousins all responded to her, and not me at all. i feel this is so stupid, immature and very childish. how can i take someones pain and turn it into my own selfish thoughts?

it makes me feel ugly. unwanted. unneeded, and then on top of it all, selfish. i just want someone to hold me now. i just wanna cry to someone. i want to talk to him, but i cant do that, because im selfish, and he has his own things to worry about, he doesnt need to hear about what is going on with me, and that its his pain that i am creating my own pain from.

days like this i hate. i dont want to be single. i want to be with someone. i dont want to live at home. i want my own place. i want to feel ok. ive been doing good. why am i falling backwards again. i know they say that it wont happen in one day, and there are such things as set backs, and i guess this is my set back. i just feel selfish. turning someone elses pain into my own. dont give me your sympathy. im not wanting it, but deep down i am. its hard to explain. i guess its just me being selfish, wanting someones world to revolve around me. me and me alone. to love me. to care. to want me for more then just sexual pleasure.

three months and ive been sober.

well, i decided that even though i thought that my welbutrin was my weakest link in my current medications, it is a LINK and i should never again skip taking it two days until i get paid so i can buy more. it wasnt a voluntary thing, im just tired of using mom and dads money. i want to have responsibility for what i need (except food because i will NEVER be able to afford that until i get a full time job i think). my prescriptions especially because they already have to pay medical bills for me going to leslye, and now medical bills for elles knee, and im sure that isnt quite over yet. but i could be wrong. who knows.
so my paycheck mostly went for my scripts. now its going to stay in my account until next thursday, except for gas, which i will soon need to buy cause it will be the weekend again and ill be running all over town for work again. my next paycheck i hope will go mainly to an alignment on my car, which is badly needed and hopefully get my laptop paid off. oh money, how i hate thee.

my nana is moving back home. im thrilled, but dreading all at the same time. its just another thing to feel guilty about not going to see because of my busyness or whatever other excuse i can come up with. cause im sure i will find one. i feel like im withdrawing from my friends again. this time not on purpose, its just happening. i havent talked to tim in like a week and a half, and this is because im tired of him saying one thing and doing another. he hasnt attempted to contact me, nor have i him. im almost to busy to care, but then again, it leaves my heart empty that he hasnt contacted me, but im sure its not just because of him. my heart is just, empty. but i guess its a feeling i should be used to right now.

some days i feel like im falling backward, some days, i just wanna get away because people are driving me nuts. i wish i could have my own place with as many cats as i want so i dont have to listen to bickering about money, or having my own opinions about the way things are being done and then im shunned for when i try to speak about it so i just hold it in because i dont feel anyone understands it. i want to hit people in the face for being hypocrites, lazy, dont do their jobs right, or just dont know how to drive. i think i need a punching bag.

i have started to notice a slow result in my body from working out. even though i may only work out once or twice a week. if im lucky, three times a week. its slowly starting to transform my body, even though i dont feel different, and its not helping my feelings of uggghhh any more.

well this is my passing of the time rant. im sure there is a lot more i could type but i cant think of any.