Oh my beautiful liar, oh my precious whore

The sounds of The Downward Spiral filter in through my ears and into my brain. I can't help but either feel pain, or feel much of nothing. More or so leaning towards a dark nothing. There is no reason for me to feel this way over this reason. It's beyond control right now and I should just move on. Move on? Hah. What a joke. So much easier said then done. Move on to what? A hopeful job 50 minutes away, not even knowing if it's the job I want. Look for the future they say. Nope. Once again, tried that and plans were spoiled. Well, there weren't many plans because I've learned. This is why I don't plan so far a head on things. Ok sure, I'm graduating in May. That's about the only plan I have definite right now. I haven't even thought about what to buy people for Christmas and that's a month away! Right now, I'm thinking towards finals week, and to get this semester out of the way, and on to my last one. Other then that, there are no plans for anything, social, family, anything. There's a New Years party, but once again, I don't have anyone for New Years. Trying not to dwell on that fact because there are more important things to worry about... I think?? Crocheting for people or myself maybe? I don't really even have a project planned for that next! I had a few ideas, but nothing definite. Mainly because I'm broke and have no money, after spending it on bills for my headboard, kohls, job interview dress, cell phone, and car insurance. I know, that's probably nothing compared to some people, but, I don't care. Just gonna try to ignore the situation and get through the days maybe? Hard to ignore it, but its gotta come down to something.

Sometimes I wonder what about me makes it so easy for people to just throw away when they don't feel the need for me to be around anymore. Sometimes I feel it is just one more reason why I don't try to make too many friends because no matter how close they are to me, I always manage to screw something up, or am not worth enough to people to keep me in their lives. And after this I dont know waht else to say. I'm to the point where there is nothing new to say, and I just don't really feel much of anything besides hurt or nothing it seems. Sometimes I feel joy, but it doesn't happen often. I'm just glad I at least still have Liz in my life, and now Rob to keep me stable and on track. Thanks guys