let it burn let it burn

been a while since ive wrote. just dont feel like writing, or i feel like writing and i dont feel like writing about the same thing i always write about. New years came and went once again. this is the first year i think that i havent cried. i think im just numb to the pain. which i dont even know if it is even there anymore since it has been five years. i dont need to cry over him. but day after day, the memories of being with him still flash in my mind whne i hear songs, or see something that reminds me of him. why cant i just forget and never remember again. soemtimes i feel like im still trying to fill the void that he has left inside me, even though that void has been filled with pain and darkness, and i dont know if it makes me scared to let anyoen else in, in fear of opening up that void anymore then what it is and let more pain and darkness fall into it.

some days i just wish i could see someone and say, thats it. and just fall head over heels. i felt it with andrew on our first date, and how i knew that he was what i wanted at the point. there are so many things that i wish i could change, but i know that i cant, and someone will probably read this and tell me to just lay off it. its hard to explain to people, unless they know. someday ill fill that void with light and happiness. i just dont know when that day will come along. i just hope that it is sooner then later.

i am in a new semester of school. same shit, different day. did my taxes, not getting any thing back but 17 dollars, but owing the state 33. thank you... you stupid ass politicians.