sleeping by yourself at night can make you feel alone

i have since been put on yet another medication, even after an increase in dosage on my welbutrin from 300 to 450. i have started on deplin now, which isnt an anti depressant, but another supplement that may help with the anti depressants. i feel as if i have lost my appetite since going on this new medication, and that im not as hungry as i have been before, but it sneaks up on me, and wham, ill be hungry with a growling stomach and an increasing headache. im not sure what things that go on with me may be a side effect of all the pills im on, or what. i have horrible dry mouth, all the time it seems. i drink a ton of water at work, and yet i never feel like i am hydrated. this medication sucks.

its a slow process, this improving stuff. i still have a hard time motivating myself to do much of anything really. homework, has been the worst lately. today, i felt like i was dragging ass all day, and i could have just stayed home and crocheted in my bed or kept sleeping, which wouldnt help me not drag ass. it only seems to make it worse. i dont know if this is a side effect, which makes no sense, but who knows. i want to feel motivated and energetic. maybe i need to workout more? have people force me to do things? i never feel like im included in anything with anyone anymore. sometimes i just dont feel anything. im just here. no bad feelings, no good feelings. just here. or i just feel so out of it, zoned in on something else, and that somethign else is deff not my school work.

ive been trying to meet people. but sometimes that seems to fall through all the time, but lately its been a little better.

i just never know what to say anymore it seems. which is why i havent wrote in a long time. i dont want to spout out on here and offend someone because i could do it so very easily. which, may be another reason to add to the havent wrote in forever list.

i sometimes feel totally selfish. i wish someone would show me that im not. or that im not cynical or a bitter bitter person against all these people that i see at work or on the road, etc. i dont want to be a hypocrite, which i do all the time im sure. i just want to be comfortable in my skin for once.

let it burn let it burn

been a while since ive wrote. just dont feel like writing, or i feel like writing and i dont feel like writing about the same thing i always write about. New years came and went once again. this is the first year i think that i havent cried. i think im just numb to the pain. which i dont even know if it is even there anymore since it has been five years. i dont need to cry over him. but day after day, the memories of being with him still flash in my mind whne i hear songs, or see something that reminds me of him. why cant i just forget and never remember again. soemtimes i feel like im still trying to fill the void that he has left inside me, even though that void has been filled with pain and darkness, and i dont know if it makes me scared to let anyoen else in, in fear of opening up that void anymore then what it is and let more pain and darkness fall into it.

some days i just wish i could see someone and say, thats it. and just fall head over heels. i felt it with andrew on our first date, and how i knew that he was what i wanted at the point. there are so many things that i wish i could change, but i know that i cant, and someone will probably read this and tell me to just lay off it. its hard to explain to people, unless they know. someday ill fill that void with light and happiness. i just dont know when that day will come along. i just hope that it is sooner then later.

i am in a new semester of school. same shit, different day. did my taxes, not getting any thing back but 17 dollars, but owing the state 33. thank you... you stupid ass politicians.