You're my best friend

Steve is out. As of now. I'm tired of him treating me like shit, and just wanting me for sex. I thought i was done with all this. Now I wonder about Tim. He says that he will always be there for me, but I needed him last night and he never answered me. I don't know. I understand that he is busy, and he has his own thing going on, but really....please don't tell me you are always there for me and when I needed you, you weren't there once again. I feel like I keep bugging him all the time, and I feel like I keep bugging my friends all the time cause I've been so down in the dumps lately. But its always about the same thing, and I think that my friends get tired of hearing about it. And I sometimes hate that its always for the same reason. I wish I could just put all of my suspicions aside and just live without worry about everything that goes on with all my friends and whether or not they care or what not. I know they care. I know they love me. I just wish I could trust that and be ok with that and just not worry about if they don't text me back or they don't text me at all. I just need to chill out and I don't know how. Gahh.

I have so many plans this weekend, and right now, I just don't want to do any of it! I'm going to make myself do it. But I know that it will be a hard task, but I can do it. I know I can.

"mommy, i dont wanna go to school because of the bully"

there has been a lot of things in the news recently about school bullies, and it keeps getting worse it seems. i was watching anderson cooper 360 last night and they had dr. phil on, with an expert, and a past bully, and mothers of children who have recently committed suicide. in the past month or so, there have been, what, five suicides or so because the teens have been bullied because they are gay, or what not. one girl had a topless picture that was spread around the school so she killed herself. and the others killed themselves because they were made fun of for being gay. its just unacceptable. and as my mom said, its just the males. for the females, it is accepted to be gay by the guys because they think its hot. i was always bullied through high school, and never did i think about killing myself because of being bullied, i just got so angry about it that i just wanted to hit someone in the mouth. it wasnt until after high school that i started to feel somewhat suicidal, but i got help before anything.

adults dont seem to be helping much either, until it is too late. teachers dont know what to do, or just dont even know about it because the students are too scared to go to someone because they are afraid to be called a snitch, or even get beat up about stuff. i was always one to tell someone about what was going on, and then i was called a snitch and what not. when teachers find out about something, they need to learn how to deal with it. they dont know how to. and it doesnt seem like administrations and stuff really care about it. money shouldnt be a problem either, it has nothing to do with money, maybe to get a meeting together or soemthing like that.

if you are being bullied, then tell someone, i know it is hard. but you have to do something. someone needs to change the world around, and that change may start with you. the bully may have problems at home, or problems with themselves and they might need as much help as you do as well. if you are feeling like harming yourself, go to someone. get help with that as well. there is hope out there, you can make it. after high school, things start to get better for the most part, you can get through it. it might be a long road, but there is light at the end of the tunnel.

nothing can stop me now cause i dont care anymore

today was day four that i was going on without talking to steve. he's been strange lately. but that was it. he texted me today asking me for the same thing that he's wanted, and that i have hardly gave up to him since we broke up. i told him no, but that i would still come over, and he said he didnt want me over because all he wanted was sex. so i asked him why he has been acting so strange. so he told me, you know that we will not be anything more then friends. no shit sherlock, thats all i have to say. i cant go back to you so you can treat me like shit again. so i told him i know that nothing will work out between us. why do you think i broke up with you in the first place? so im done. that was the last straw. i cant take it anymore. this is my strength back again. im getting past this. but im sure you will be hawking me back within time, like all the other guys. im just tired of guys, period. i wish i could meet one that would put me above everything else, and everyone else. but i guess that will be someday, but for now, i have to concentrate on my school and all the other things that are much more important to me then steve wanting me to have sex with him and then not talking to me after that. i cant tear my self up like that again. i dont do it anymore to myself, its not good for me.

so, its back to on my own again. but i can do it. ive done it before. been through andrew and back.

nothing can stop me now, cause i dont care anymore.

as for school, i hope that my math scores can finally rebound. i need to learn to study it, yeah, i should know how to do this already, but apparently not. ill figure something out cause i can do it. i will succeed. oooo, listen to my positive talk. go me.