sometimes it hurts.

my metaphor for my "recovery", the stairs. this week, i felt like ive tripped when i was on the walk up and im falling backward again. ive kind of felt like this lately, but today, ive just felt like giving up again. on it all. but i cant. i can do this. but its hard. where did my strength go? i thought i was strong, i was going to get through. i didnt need to depend on anyone, that i could do it. and now, i just feel like ive fallen back on people again. texting them all the time, waiting for a response that hardly ever comes. i just need to depend on myself, no one else. whats the point of having this damn phone if i dont use it? why spend all this money on shit when no one ever responds. maybe im just a nuisance to people. thats what i feel like atleast.

hold me now i need to feel complete

i feel selfish. my friends grandfather passed away. i put on face book that my thoughts go out to the family. his girlfriend put it up there, and his cousins all responded to her, and not me at all. i feel this is so stupid, immature and very childish. how can i take someones pain and turn it into my own selfish thoughts?

it makes me feel ugly. unwanted. unneeded, and then on top of it all, selfish. i just want someone to hold me now. i just wanna cry to someone. i want to talk to him, but i cant do that, because im selfish, and he has his own things to worry about, he doesnt need to hear about what is going on with me, and that its his pain that i am creating my own pain from.

days like this i hate. i dont want to be single. i want to be with someone. i dont want to live at home. i want my own place. i want to feel ok. ive been doing good. why am i falling backwards again. i know they say that it wont happen in one day, and there are such things as set backs, and i guess this is my set back. i just feel selfish. turning someone elses pain into my own. dont give me your sympathy. im not wanting it, but deep down i am. its hard to explain. i guess its just me being selfish, wanting someones world to revolve around me. me and me alone. to love me. to care. to want me for more then just sexual pleasure.

three months and ive been sober.

well, i decided that even though i thought that my welbutrin was my weakest link in my current medications, it is a LINK and i should never again skip taking it two days until i get paid so i can buy more. it wasnt a voluntary thing, im just tired of using mom and dads money. i want to have responsibility for what i need (except food because i will NEVER be able to afford that until i get a full time job i think). my prescriptions especially because they already have to pay medical bills for me going to leslye, and now medical bills for elles knee, and im sure that isnt quite over yet. but i could be wrong. who knows.
so my paycheck mostly went for my scripts. now its going to stay in my account until next thursday, except for gas, which i will soon need to buy cause it will be the weekend again and ill be running all over town for work again. my next paycheck i hope will go mainly to an alignment on my car, which is badly needed and hopefully get my laptop paid off. oh money, how i hate thee.

my nana is moving back home. im thrilled, but dreading all at the same time. its just another thing to feel guilty about not going to see because of my busyness or whatever other excuse i can come up with. cause im sure i will find one. i feel like im withdrawing from my friends again. this time not on purpose, its just happening. i havent talked to tim in like a week and a half, and this is because im tired of him saying one thing and doing another. he hasnt attempted to contact me, nor have i him. im almost to busy to care, but then again, it leaves my heart empty that he hasnt contacted me, but im sure its not just because of him. my heart is just, empty. but i guess its a feeling i should be used to right now.

some days i feel like im falling backward, some days, i just wanna get away because people are driving me nuts. i wish i could have my own place with as many cats as i want so i dont have to listen to bickering about money, or having my own opinions about the way things are being done and then im shunned for when i try to speak about it so i just hold it in because i dont feel anyone understands it. i want to hit people in the face for being hypocrites, lazy, dont do their jobs right, or just dont know how to drive. i think i need a punching bag.

i have started to notice a slow result in my body from working out. even though i may only work out once or twice a week. if im lucky, three times a week. its slowly starting to transform my body, even though i dont feel different, and its not helping my feelings of uggghhh any more.

well this is my passing of the time rant. im sure there is a lot more i could type but i cant think of any.