i try too much

im not perfect, but im hurting myself striving to be. i move from this chair i will cut myself. im scared. i just cant do anything right. i think i am and i fuck something up. i hate being numb. i hate people mad at me. i hate feeling helpless. i hate all the strained relationships.i hate myself. i hate that i hate myself. i just dont know what to type. and att he top i hate that i think that this is self centered thinking.

heart break hotel

am i just a horrible person? i wouldnt call it a good thing that i have no sympathy for ones recent heartbreaks. all i can think of when i was in high school and i went through what they were going through at the age of 16 and almost no one wanted to reach out to me and say, we can make it through. you can do it. all i got was, just get over it from many many people. some i just didnt even try to talk to about stuff, well partially cause not everyone needs to know my business and its not like i was close with everyone in my high school class. i dont know. i think im just cynical once again. my heart goes out to your heartbreak, but in the end, i just keep thinking about karma. what you are feeling now, i felt for over a year at the age of 16. i dont know, maybe this is just stupid. does anyone else feel this way? has anyone gone through what i went through? not like it was the worst thing that could have happened to me, and im sure it was not the worst thing that will happen to me. im sure people have it worse then what i did. not saying that. thats just not right. but to go through what i went through, that was a lot of pain to deal with. that was a lot for a young girl. others are now five-six years older then what i was and now they are dealing with it. i dont know. i just dont know what else to say besides: "Man, doesn't it suck? now you know what i went through five years ago in high school"

im so horrible.

those summer nights

another summer night, and i must say, i have been keeping myself busy enough this summer to keep my mind off of anything bad happening or any of the bad things that could happen.

i did nothing for the forth. i worked. last night i sat at home and did what i am doing tonight, drank a wine cooler, and read my book. except tonight i have a computer on my lap and my book closed next to me.

my sims game wont work on my new laptop, so i decided to build my own desktop, which will be about 600 to 700 dollars. i have about a thousand dollars more to save. which makes me feel bad cause i dont feel like im putting money away just to put money away. its always to save for something only to go to spend it. maybe ill just start taking some money out of one savings to put into my never touch except for emergency savings. why does money always have to get in the way? well, a good thing is that vocational rehabilitation is going to help pay for school because of my depression affecting my schooling so much. which will help me and my family out alot. im not sure how much they will pay for, but im hoping for quite a bit. now only if i can get the state to pay for all my medications like they pay for everyone elses. hmmmm..... at least they are going to spend money on me for something. it would be great.

as for the rest of the summer... i kind of met a guy. his name is tim and he works for home city ice. i havent got to do anything with him on a count of work, so ive kind of been talking to him. not alot though. steve has been keeping me company which helps out a lot. ive been shrugging off a lot of things that i cant stand about him and just leave or stop talking to him when it does happen.

i feel like this is a pointless writing. but i guess its an update for my two followers. oh yay.