"broken hearts are for assholes"

last night was the first night i began apartment sitting at steves for the weekend while he was out of town and i can watch his cats while he is gone. well last night there was a thunderstorm that knocked out the power and was out for almost twenty four hours. i layed in bed last night and suddenly thought, wow, my mind is blank. my mind is not thinking bad. but yet, im still not happy, but not sad. i was neutral. it was a good feeling to be neutral, i just kind of smiled, rolled over and fell back to sleep. for the past couple days, i have been "neutral". not sad, but not happy. its good not to think so horrible, and not be so negative, for once. i just hope it was be this way for the rest of the summer. the good grades in calculus are also helping. two quizzes, one was an a+ and the other was a b. :D it mkaes me feel liek i can do this. i understand this. its going to be ok. i can do this. its going to be ok.

you are beautiful. no matter what they say. words cant bring me down

its been a back and forth battle still with myself and my negativity,and my "over generalization", as my counselor and psychiatrist say, as the summer kicks off to heat, humidity, sun, and severe storms.
one day, im ok. the next, its down and out. yesterday was a down and out day, until i went to skyes graduation party. made me feel quite a bit better, believe it or not. felt like it was people i could kind of relate to. who knew what i could be, or what not. i guess you could say.
i went to steves this afternoon and he was watching christina aguilera: behind the music. to my surprise, i was sucked into what was being said and shown. her music sucked me in (but how couldnt her voice suck anyone in??) then she went into discussing her 2002 release of Stripped. I remember when this album first came out. it was 8th grade and i was sitting on the bleachers listening to brehanna ward and amanda stahl look at the printed of lyrics of dirrty and singing it. and andrea clarks love of her album. thats what i can remember from that album. she soon went into describing how she went into a deep depression on this album, and the women who wrote "beautiful" played the song for christina and from the get go, she knew it was to be her song. realizing that she had pain as i have pain, and she does have the emotion to go with her songs that she sings about, that she isnt perfect and she is dealing with what i deal with on a daily basis. she talks about her current husband, and how he was the one that was there for her to lean on to get through the darkness and pain she was dealing with. they described studio sessions during stripped where she would just break down and cry from the sadness that she had been holding in from age 6. it touched me. i just stared at the tv, thinking that there is someone this beautiful, suffering from insecurity and depression.

her songs have a whole new meaning to me. its something that she has been dealing with and it just isnt a stupid pop song to get on the radio. its from the heart.

i can do this. i can win.

such a lonely day, and its mine.

ahhh the beginning of summer. i can feel it already, the humidity in the air, the random rain showers. talk of swimming and going to the beach, oh and my lonesomeness and the feeling that everyone is pushing me away. the unanswered text messages, the cancelling of plans, and putting bread and buns up.

mom and dad went to vegas this week. i wanted people to come over and keep me company. it just hasnt happened. my sister has had colton over every night this week and it just makes me feel lonely. falling asleep next to my cat and my tv on. shes done better then what i thought, thinking that she would have people over every night. course nan has been here too so im sure thats cut down on a lot. but i just had a break down monday night, and today wasnt very good either. yesterday, i had plans with tim, and he bailed on them because he had a meeting. well, im pretty sure its because he just forgot he had it like he does pretty much with everything. but of course, i take it tooooo far, and jump to the bad thing all the time, and everytime.

i posted a status on facebook about my friends, and i shouldnt have because they dont do the things that i make them out to do. and it just made me feel worse. how can i be so selfish? they care, they love me, but their world does not revolve around me. i guess i just want to be the center of someones world.

heather said to me today that she hates that im not happy. i hate that im not happy. so i thought about it a little bit. i cannot really tell you too many things that i can think of that make me happy. ive withdrawn from all the activities i used to love to do. ride my bike.. hell i cant even tell you. i think i got lost with all of that during the transition to high school, jumping into a relationship to define myself. i was never like that until i was with a guy. then it went to andrew, and well, we all know where it went from there.

when will something satisfy me. when will i finally be happy. maybe soon.

hate to say this, but i hope calculus makes me feel better this summmer.