i wanna fuck you like an animal

i feel like sex is kind of an addiction. i dont want it cause it hurts me physically, but i want it cause its the only thing that makes me feel like someone cares, someone wants me, until its over and they get up and leave. but what if the physical pain is because of the emotional pain? is this all just from andrew. the pain that he left me to remember when im having sex. that they are jsut going to get up and leave after the deed is done. maybe i just need someone to love me, i need to have the love with the sex, and maybe it will all be better. i feel like no one will love me. i feel like this stupid depression will over rule any love that may come into my life. i went backward i feel like, i started talking to beau. but its nothing as to what i want. its just random text messages, if he even answers me. hes in love with someone else. and yet, i have the crazy thought that i can make someone fall madly in love with me, like andrew always told me, "there is just something about you that makes me love you". why hasnt it happened since him? i may have fallen for one other, and maybe another one that i can see myself falling for. but why dont they fall for me? what am i doing wrong? is it cause im giving my self up that easy? i dont feel like i am.

i just dont know. why wont someone just fall in love with me and just be here for me so i dont feel like this anymore.

i will find another way

well, its over. im done. i cant be with him if he is going to cute me down like that and not try to make things better for me. or even try to understand what goes on in my head.

so now im back to me. just me. no one else. i hate it. i hate not having someone around. and the people who do care, i just feel like i bug the shit out of them. so i feel like i want to cut myself off from everyone. and yet, i dont.

and yet, im trying to make amends with my past. drop grudges that shouldnt be held.

i was on facebook, looking at an exs page, shouldnt have done. he just went from in a relationship to single. his status was just lost the best thing that had ever happened to me. it got me upset. seeing this line even in my blog gets me upset. why having i been the best thing to happen to anyone? im just here. just cause. cause why? i dont know. i want to be the best thing to happen to someone. i want to be held, and cared for like nothing else matters. and i think this is all i can write right now cause i cant start crying while im sitting in a lab in school.

but, i think the song that will get me through this right now is Hurt's Well. there is something out there for me. "i will find another way" i wont do what first happens in the song. because the whole point is to find another way after losing someone or dealing with doing somethign to someone that you care for, or joining a record contract that was so wrong for some one.

with or without someone. I WILL FIND ANOTHER WAY dammit. i will. i will be well some day.

self-inflicted

another weekend. ive spent some time with steve over the week, but nothing has changed. he seems to be more of a dick then usual. today was the final straw. im tired of his negativity, how he treats me, and how it feels like he has no respect for me. i need that. i dont want, i NEED. i was at tims today when i was texting him back and forth a little bit. he asked what i was doing, and i said i was hangin out with tim. he thought it was funny. he always finds it funny. so i asked why. he said cause its just funny. my reply back to him was glad you think so. and i got a text back from him that i had never expected. his reply was "yeah, sorry im not depressed all the time and i can laugh at things" i just started crying, in shock of what he had just said to me. tim was asking what was wrong, what he said to me. i told him and he said, dont text him back, what an ass. my reply to steve was, that was fucking low. he said, well its true not to be rude. im just done. i just cant take it. does he ever think that maybe its him that makes me feel so depressed when im around him? i do sometimes. but i get depressed all the time. who knows. but im jst done. i want to get my stuff and just be done. i hate this. i hate relationships. why cant i be stronger? i said to my counselor yesterday that im afraid of getting hurt. she said, well what are you going to do. you have to take risks even if you are afraid of being hurt. whats the worst that can happen?

so off that note, that conversation started because i mentioned beau. i seen him that morning and we soemwhat talked. some of the most talking weve done since he broke up with me. my counselor suggested contacting him. i had thought about it before. i wish i could send him a message and say, i miss you. can we try again? but thats just too out there. i would never get the guts to do that. i miss him a lot. he treated me so awesome, filling my ears with compliment after compliment, smiling at me when i look at him, holding my hand when we walked, kissing me in the rain. taking me to dinner. i wonder if he still has Simon the Lion.

maybe ill figure out how to text him, get his number from tim. i dont know. i hate missing people that are in my past from over a year ago.

the frail

ever since thursday, ive been in a bad mood. ive tried to be all yeah whatever. thursday, i was bailed on after the plans had been made already. friday, i found out my hair dresser is leaving in june, after i finally found someone good. saturday, i just worked all day. taht was probably the best day of the weekend. in the mean time, i was trying to study here and there for my computer science test. i studied a little bit friday, a little bit saturday between work shifts and sleeping. sunday came and it was nice, i had the day off, with the test on monday looming over my head still. i planned to make the day a study day. i did pretty much for the most part. a few breaks here and there, which you need that when you study. later in the evening, steve asked me to go to the movies. i said yes. he was soon wanting me to stay the night with him. i wanted to, but yet, he has yet to make up his mind about us. so i said no. next txt i got, it was saying that he was just going to stay home for the night. so i continued to study. frustrated, and irritated with everything. i finished about 10 or so. and layed in bed, talked to tim for a little while, and then tried to go to bed. a layed there for a while, and finally fell asleep. i ended up waking up at 245 from dreams of hanging out with tim and lanita. so i sat up and studied for a while, and fell back to sleep. i woke up monday mornign, thinking about my test, and feeling fully awake. i worked and got to school to crunch about for about an hour or so before my test. i took the test, and i felt like it went horribly. i discussed with friends from the class and realized that i did things totally wrong. even today, i realized i did something totally wrong. on the inside, i starte to panic, and the thoughts of failure and dissapointing my parents again ran across my mind. i texted friends, they told me not to worry. so i put it off my mind for a while, checking oncourse constantly through the day, and finally my grade was posted. i got a 75. it was an awesome feeling. i made a passing grade. it made me happy. i have the final left to go and three more assignments to complete. and yet, i have physics to get through, a paper to write in art history, along with a final. history of rock and roll is no sweat. then just days after my finals, i will turn twenty one, hoping to start my summer off decently. and maybe it will last. maybe this grade and the last grade, which was also a B is the start to something good for me.

and maybe its the start of positive thinking. why does my junior year in any school suck for me?

Misery'n

"ive been misery'n. ever since my daddy gone yeah. ive been hunny ive been misery'n yes i have. ever since my daddy gone. but i believe that it wont, it wont be too long if i can just hold on until my misery will be gone"

well, its been two weeks since steve and i have been on a break. do i see us getting back together? not really. he's got too many other things too put forth then commit his time to me, and quite frankly, i should feel the same. i have school, and my mental health. i need to get out of this damn depression. im now on 90 mg of cymbalta and 300 mg of welbutrin. but i dont know how im supposed to feel on these things. i jsut wish i could kick it to the curb and be done. why do i define myself by my depression? is it because i dont know myself outside of a depression? my psychiatrist is on the quest for me to find happiness in myself and no one else. i wish i knew how to work on this. i just wish i knew.

i wish i didnt feel like i was alone. i feel like im sinking backwards. it doesnt help that i feel like my friends are deserting me again. they bail on plans with me, and what do i feel? nothing. numb. no feeling. i just keep texting until i hear something. then i finally hear something, and im fine.

school makes me wanna break down even more. i took a test again and it didnt go well. im falling very far behind in physics. i cant ever muster up the motivation to do anything with it. i almost caught the lab on fire the other night. im just annoying with it. i dont wanna do it anymore. i just wanna work with my computers. this has NOTHING to do with them. it does, but doesnt. i have a final project, and a final and a couple labs left. i can do it. its just not easy. i cant stand the professor. and my lab partner annoys me.

one day, my life will be about me. one day, i will get what i want. happiness. true happiness. i cant live like this for the rest of my life. just take things day by day.