i sit on steve's couch, contemplating so many things in my head. my up and coming colonoscopy. once again, a search to end my problem that i am afraid that i may never find an end to. im going to be twenty one and i wont be able to enjoy sex because there is too much pain and i can never want to be in the mood anymore because why would you want to do something that hurts you? that part i believe is psychological. as for the actual pain being psychological, i won't rule it out. look at what i have attached to my memories of sex. pain and suffering. yesterday, im pretty sure i seen korey. my heart began to race and i began to panic and flash back to sitting in the front seat of andrews truck travelling down us 20 by the by pass and korey sitting in the back telling andrew to turn the nickelback song off because he didn't like it. inside, i was screaming for him to get the hell out of the truck. we were sitting at a stop light and i kept glancing back to see if it was him and i couldnt see him. but prior to that, i could see him in my rear view mirror. the way he moved, the way he sat in the truck, it was no doubt him. i just wish i could never see him again, and the next time i do see him, it be an obituary in the paper. i know, sounds cynical. but thats how i am towards him. i hate him. and yes, i know hate is a bad word, but i cant hate anyone as much as i hate him.

i went to my advisor about next semester stuff a week or so ago, and i finally feel as if i have some sort of closure as to when im going to graduate and this school stuff. but feeling better about not doing the best that i can do is another story. i get grades back and i'm i think to myself. what the hell have you done.you can do so much better. your so worthless. this is why mom and dad ahve to pay more on car insurance cause you failed and fucked up your gpa. way to go. yes. thats what i think. there you go. a view into kays head.

today. i went to Highland cemetary to find Micheal Grembowiczs grave site. i found it. i wasnt expecting what i saw. i saw a tiny head stone laying even with the ground with his picture in color on it. in my head i thought it was going to be a huge headstone with beautiful engravings, covered in flowers and knick knacks from over the years. along with the headstone, however, was a cross with his initials on it with an unopened bottle of miller light propped against it. it made me smile. i stood there and thought about what was underneath me. bones? a casket for sure, but what else. as i drove around the cemetary to find his grave, i had wondered to the back of the place and seen all the varieties of the things they place in the ground, and i would imagine that the casket is placed in it. where does he go? did he see me? is he in the place like in dantes inferno because he did commit suicide? as i left, i thought about visiting hayley dowluts grave, only if it wasnt on the other side of town. how is her headstone? how many people visited these graves to see their lost loved ones. it makes my head hurt just thinking about it. all these questions that one will never know.

well, i guess there is my rant for the day.