cause i love you. i have loved you all along

well, my new therapist wants me to write about new years eve 2004/2005. everyone of my friends have heard at least a little something about this new years eve. and this is down to everything i remember. this is the first time i have ever, EVER, wrote about this night that would soon start my battle with myself and everything else that went on from this day on.

we were on our way back from greensburg on december 31, 2004 because there was no place for us to stay there. i had decided to finally try the drinking game with andrew. i was pretty nervous about it considering it was my first time doing it ever. but i felt comfortable with him and i trusted him. we went back to his house to nap for a while. i lied to my mom about where i was, making her think i was in greensburg when i was in south bend the whole time. andrew wanted new years eve to be with korey, i however, did not. i wanted to go to my friends house because i hated korey and it was not my idea of a place to be on new years eve with this boy that i was in love with. we ended up at wendys at one point, and i just remember feeling sick and sitting there waiting for korey to get off work so we could go to his brothers. we went out to eat at hooters to kill the time away. in the truck on the way over there, i told him that i didnt want to be with korey on new years eve and he was kind of offended and threatened to take me home and that i should stop acting like a baby. this was something that i had never heard him say to me ever. we ended up at hooters, ate, then went back to wendys to wait for korey. he was finally off work and we went to his house so he could get his alcohol and to take a few shots with his mom. soon, we were on our way to his brothers house. i was getting uncomfortable so i grew quiet. i took my tinkerbell throw in so i would feel a i little more comfortable. we sat down on the couches and got comfortable. dukes of hazzard was on and the bottles of beer, cigarettes and southern comfort quickly came out.
they got me a glass and andrew poured me a little bit of soco to try. i drank it. it hurt my throat like crazy, but i kept drinking a little more, and they kept asking me if i felt anything. at one point i didnt, the next i was laying on andrews lap, giggling my head off. i looked at him and keep telling him that i loved him. he puffed on a cigarette and i yelled at him for smoking because he knew that i hated it. the rest becomes a little bit of a blur. i remember korey taking pills and then smoking pot with his brother and sister in law. i yelled at him for doing it, and they soon started questioning me about why i hated korey so much. a straight answer never came out of my mouth. i just remember hanging on him and giggling, and being really loud. we missed the ball drop, and i lost track of time. i remeber at one point his sister in law was telling me to not do something on her couch and that it was her house and i needed to respect it. i was told later why she said it.
next thing i knew, korey was in the bathroom puking and soon passed out. his brother was scared, but i dont really remember my reaction. i soon ended up in koreys brothers kids room with andrew, laying on the tiny bed of a five year old, with dora the explorer and spongebob staring down at us. i dont remember how i got in there, but it was said that andrew carried me in. while we laid on the bed, we talked about having sex, but we did other things first. i wanted to but i didnt.
i let us lay there for a while so i could sober up enough to make my decision. we fooled around more and fell to the floor, tangled up in my tinkerbell throw in each others arms. we soon layed there and talked about how much we loved each other. i never believed in forever. he told me that night that it would be forever and that we could make it work. i trusted him. the words that he used that night still ring in my head. for christmas, he gave me a gold ring. i asked him about it and he told me it was a promise ring and he was too scared to tell me that it was. we talked about having sex. this definently was not how i wanted to do it. i wanted the whole get up, music, candles, etc. we always talked abotu making a cd for the first time and i didnt want to because we didnt have the cd made. the last song he wanted on that cd was "we're in this together" by nine inch nails. he told me that it wasnt fucking, since that was the word i was using to refer to sex. he told me it was making love and that he wanted to make love to me and that it would mean a lot. i told him to go get the condom, and he ran out to his truck to get it. i layed there, not that i remember much of my thoughts as i laid there waiting for him to come back to me. he came back and laid with me and i finally decided that this boy that i loved so much was to be my first. he entered me, and i let it go for a couple minutes, scared, but enjoying it. i told him to stop. and he pulled out, not finishing. we layed there with each other, and we ended up crawling back into the childs bed. i was happy. happiest that i had ever been in my life. the next morning i woke, and i couldnt help but smile. we left and went back to his house, soon to take me home to my mom who knew nothing that went on the night before.

that night after i was home, my sister questioned me about whether or not i was a virgin or not. i didnt say anything, i just couldnt stop smiling. that night, i layed in bed and began to think, what if i get pregnant. i was scared so i called him up to come over and talk to me because i was. i told him what i was scared of and he made an attempt to comfort me. then he asked the question "do you regret it". i answered real quick and said yes, and he didnt like that very much. he said he was hurt, blah blah. and thats the main part that i dont talk to people about much. from there on out, well, look at me now and thats what you get.

the promise and the threat

im feeling worthless. lonely. careless. uncared for.

the numbness in my hands come and the mention of "drilling a wire through my cheek" from the lyrics of a song makes me think of pushing a wire through my arm and just let it bleed.

im home with incisions on my stomach, as my mom goes and hides in the bathroom for another ten minutes or so to come out and just annoy me to all ends of the earth.

my heart yearns for the smile of the people in the pictures on new years eve that i looked though
tonight.

why cant i smile like the people in those pictures. can it actually be for real? why cant it just stop being fake?

i close the images and tried to push it away with a high lighter and a C++ programming book.

i look for sailor moon on youtube to catch a small watch of an episode and it makes me smile.

it takes me back to a time when i didnt have to worry about finding myself. meeting people. going somewhere in life. money. depression. medications. earthquakes in countries and people who get away with drunken driving. nor did i have to worry about sitting at home while my sister walks out the door again to go have fun with a new person that she has met.

up until seventh grade, that was the last time i pretty much remember being really happy. but that's also the time when everything changes and you start needing to find yourself.
i found the darkness that i live in right now. did my clothes affect this? sure. did my music? yeah. i wont lie. all my friends that i did have pushed me away so i met others and as soon as i met them, i was pushed back into a hole. i didnt have my best friend anymore. she found her place to go. i found mine, and sad to say, neither one of us went to sailor moon like we did in elementary school. hers was in the church and mine was in Nine Inch Nails. It is still my comfort to this day. Besides hurt. i have found that i just cant listen to that song. it reminds me of times that i want to get away from, and the last Nails show in a long time.

my cat curls up to my legs and i think that she is one thing that i have in my life that rarely lets me down. besides when she is hyped up and doesnt want to come lay with me any other time but when its late at night or when i am upset. when i need it.

i wish she would talk to me.

done

yesterday i decided that im done going to my current counselor. i cant waste my gas and time to go to a guy who doesnt know what the main reason is for being depressed. I have been going to Dr Warner for over a year now. probably about a year and a half. recently, ive been getting tired of going. first, when i did start going to him, i was having problems with tim and all my relationships. from that, it spawned everything that went wrong with me was tims problem. if i turned a guy down for something, tims fault, if i got into a fight with mom, tims fault. for all i know if i told him a dropped soemthing on the ground or made a wrong step any which way it was tims fault with him. reason why i came home from ball state, tims fault. i should have just stopped going then and there. well, i went to ball state, had a counselor there and he was pretty good. came back home. i didnt go for a while. and then i decided i had to go before something happened. well. it was fine for the most part until just the past couple weeks. one thing that set me off was when i discussed with him about the surgery that i am getting done on the fifteenth. it is an exploratory procedure because i have pain during sex. they dont know the cause, which is why they are doing the procedure. i was waiting for a while to talk to mom and dad about stuff. insurance, when i should, etc. all those things that might be of concern. well, he continued to tell me it was because im scared to do it and im too uncomfortable to talk about sex with my mom. which isnt true at all. its not like my mom doesnt know what is going on. it had absolutely nothing to do with anything about not talkign to my mom about sex. its totally irrelevent.

i was very pissed off after this meeting. i ahd another meeting and it wasnt too bad. friday, that was it. i was in there and he was asking about how my new years was. and i said just another day and began to mention something about andrew. and from there, it went down, i guess youcould say. he then said i didnt know how much andrew had hurt you. right there was my decision. andrew is a main cause of why i am today. so, i have been going to this guy for over a year now and he still cant tell me why i think the cause of my depression is and anything about andrew. anyone and pretty much everyone i know or meet knows at least the name, or a little something about andrew.

thats it. done. thats all over with. i called the counselor that my auto shop teacher and his wife suggested. she is under my insurance. i am also going to be going to a psychiatrist the first of february and hopefully something good will come out of that too.

monday, i plan to start my "diet" as well. so. im hoping that my resolutions are going to fall into place and i can get through this. get a better counselor, better eating habits, better medication, and maybe even an exercise routine to go with it.

Goodbye 2009, Hello 2010

wow, 2010. i dont know if i can get used to this year. i miss the two zeros together...... not like it really matters at all. ha ha.

well, its the day i dread of the whole year. and yes, once again, i cried. even though im here with Steve. all he wants to do is sleep and this day doesn't matter to him it feels. hes so busy with work that i don't blame him. i just wish i could stop thinking about the past. in 2009 i found his myspace. i found that he has a baby. why cant i just move on and be happy. i mean, i feel like ive moved on. its just this night. this one night of the year where i just cant hold myself together about the situation. i had to go into the bathroom tonight so steve wouldnt see me cry because he would want to know why i was crying and i dont want to tell him it is because of my past. that just isnt the good thing to do.

well, onto other things from 2009 that made things worth while through the year, and some that weren't. 2009 seemed like a year for everything to go screwy with my car. from hitting trees in early january to getting my engine tore apart to fix the gasket and running over a curb and getting a flat tire that just happened yesterday. I'm hoping that this will soon end with my car and this year i have already started to save money for a new car.

looking back on music in 2009, it was a good year for nine inch nails. the last weekend in may, i went and seen them in three days in three different cities. then i seen them august 29th and that was the last time i will seem them in a long time. it was amazing. its the only thing that lifts me out of my depression for the most part. trent also got married and congrats to him. not only that i seen godsmack, and theory of a deadman and part of motley crue. And one of the biggest shocks of 2009 and this is on everyones list is the death of Micheal jackson.

As for friends. Heather got married to brandon in october of this year. Tim has a girlfriend who he has been with for a while. and i myself started dating again. I started dating steve august 29th. and as for liz, i changed her oil and drove her car off the ramps. go me. :( but her car is fine!

i have decided to set a few resolutions for myself as well. This year, i want to make myself better. Its all about me this year. I hope to start a feeling good "diet" very soon. within the first week of the year i hope. I have also said to get through my feeling good book and try some of the things that are in the book to try and better myself. i also want to start a new hobby, and that hobby is sewing. whether or not it will last long, im not sure, but it never hurts to try something new. i tried once and got very frustrated. i have already trying to better myself by booking a surgery for a health problem i am having and im getting that done in two weeks. its scary. but its only exploratory and i hope they find something. so, hope that everything turns out good for me!

happy new year to everyone and i hope its good for everyone.