You're my best friend

Steve is out. As of now. I'm tired of him treating me like shit, and just wanting me for sex. I thought i was done with all this. Now I wonder about Tim. He says that he will always be there for me, but I needed him last night and he never answered me. I don't know. I understand that he is busy, and he has his own thing going on, but really....please don't tell me you are always there for me and when I needed you, you weren't there once again. I feel like I keep bugging him all the time, and I feel like I keep bugging my friends all the time cause I've been so down in the dumps lately. But its always about the same thing, and I think that my friends get tired of hearing about it. And I sometimes hate that its always for the same reason. I wish I could just put all of my suspicions aside and just live without worry about everything that goes on with all my friends and whether or not they care or what not. I know they care. I know they love me. I just wish I could trust that and be ok with that and just not worry about if they don't text me back or they don't text me at all. I just need to chill out and I don't know how. Gahh.

I have so many plans this weekend, and right now, I just don't want to do any of it! I'm going to make myself do it. But I know that it will be a hard task, but I can do it. I know I can.

"mommy, i dont wanna go to school because of the bully"

there has been a lot of things in the news recently about school bullies, and it keeps getting worse it seems. i was watching anderson cooper 360 last night and they had dr. phil on, with an expert, and a past bully, and mothers of children who have recently committed suicide. in the past month or so, there have been, what, five suicides or so because the teens have been bullied because they are gay, or what not. one girl had a topless picture that was spread around the school so she killed herself. and the others killed themselves because they were made fun of for being gay. its just unacceptable. and as my mom said, its just the males. for the females, it is accepted to be gay by the guys because they think its hot. i was always bullied through high school, and never did i think about killing myself because of being bullied, i just got so angry about it that i just wanted to hit someone in the mouth. it wasnt until after high school that i started to feel somewhat suicidal, but i got help before anything.

adults dont seem to be helping much either, until it is too late. teachers dont know what to do, or just dont even know about it because the students are too scared to go to someone because they are afraid to be called a snitch, or even get beat up about stuff. i was always one to tell someone about what was going on, and then i was called a snitch and what not. when teachers find out about something, they need to learn how to deal with it. they dont know how to. and it doesnt seem like administrations and stuff really care about it. money shouldnt be a problem either, it has nothing to do with money, maybe to get a meeting together or soemthing like that.

if you are being bullied, then tell someone, i know it is hard. but you have to do something. someone needs to change the world around, and that change may start with you. the bully may have problems at home, or problems with themselves and they might need as much help as you do as well. if you are feeling like harming yourself, go to someone. get help with that as well. there is hope out there, you can make it. after high school, things start to get better for the most part, you can get through it. it might be a long road, but there is light at the end of the tunnel.

nothing can stop me now cause i dont care anymore

today was day four that i was going on without talking to steve. he's been strange lately. but that was it. he texted me today asking me for the same thing that he's wanted, and that i have hardly gave up to him since we broke up. i told him no, but that i would still come over, and he said he didnt want me over because all he wanted was sex. so i asked him why he has been acting so strange. so he told me, you know that we will not be anything more then friends. no shit sherlock, thats all i have to say. i cant go back to you so you can treat me like shit again. so i told him i know that nothing will work out between us. why do you think i broke up with you in the first place? so im done. that was the last straw. i cant take it anymore. this is my strength back again. im getting past this. but im sure you will be hawking me back within time, like all the other guys. im just tired of guys, period. i wish i could meet one that would put me above everything else, and everyone else. but i guess that will be someday, but for now, i have to concentrate on my school and all the other things that are much more important to me then steve wanting me to have sex with him and then not talking to me after that. i cant tear my self up like that again. i dont do it anymore to myself, its not good for me.

so, its back to on my own again. but i can do it. ive done it before. been through andrew and back.

nothing can stop me now, cause i dont care anymore.

as for school, i hope that my math scores can finally rebound. i need to learn to study it, yeah, i should know how to do this already, but apparently not. ill figure something out cause i can do it. i will succeed. oooo, listen to my positive talk. go me.

sometimes it hurts.

my metaphor for my "recovery", the stairs. this week, i felt like ive tripped when i was on the walk up and im falling backward again. ive kind of felt like this lately, but today, ive just felt like giving up again. on it all. but i cant. i can do this. but its hard. where did my strength go? i thought i was strong, i was going to get through. i didnt need to depend on anyone, that i could do it. and now, i just feel like ive fallen back on people again. texting them all the time, waiting for a response that hardly ever comes. i just need to depend on myself, no one else. whats the point of having this damn phone if i dont use it? why spend all this money on shit when no one ever responds. maybe im just a nuisance to people. thats what i feel like atleast.

hold me now i need to feel complete

i feel selfish. my friends grandfather passed away. i put on face book that my thoughts go out to the family. his girlfriend put it up there, and his cousins all responded to her, and not me at all. i feel this is so stupid, immature and very childish. how can i take someones pain and turn it into my own selfish thoughts?

it makes me feel ugly. unwanted. unneeded, and then on top of it all, selfish. i just want someone to hold me now. i just wanna cry to someone. i want to talk to him, but i cant do that, because im selfish, and he has his own things to worry about, he doesnt need to hear about what is going on with me, and that its his pain that i am creating my own pain from.

days like this i hate. i dont want to be single. i want to be with someone. i dont want to live at home. i want my own place. i want to feel ok. ive been doing good. why am i falling backwards again. i know they say that it wont happen in one day, and there are such things as set backs, and i guess this is my set back. i just feel selfish. turning someone elses pain into my own. dont give me your sympathy. im not wanting it, but deep down i am. its hard to explain. i guess its just me being selfish, wanting someones world to revolve around me. me and me alone. to love me. to care. to want me for more then just sexual pleasure.

three months and ive been sober.

well, i decided that even though i thought that my welbutrin was my weakest link in my current medications, it is a LINK and i should never again skip taking it two days until i get paid so i can buy more. it wasnt a voluntary thing, im just tired of using mom and dads money. i want to have responsibility for what i need (except food because i will NEVER be able to afford that until i get a full time job i think). my prescriptions especially because they already have to pay medical bills for me going to leslye, and now medical bills for elles knee, and im sure that isnt quite over yet. but i could be wrong. who knows.
so my paycheck mostly went for my scripts. now its going to stay in my account until next thursday, except for gas, which i will soon need to buy cause it will be the weekend again and ill be running all over town for work again. my next paycheck i hope will go mainly to an alignment on my car, which is badly needed and hopefully get my laptop paid off. oh money, how i hate thee.

my nana is moving back home. im thrilled, but dreading all at the same time. its just another thing to feel guilty about not going to see because of my busyness or whatever other excuse i can come up with. cause im sure i will find one. i feel like im withdrawing from my friends again. this time not on purpose, its just happening. i havent talked to tim in like a week and a half, and this is because im tired of him saying one thing and doing another. he hasnt attempted to contact me, nor have i him. im almost to busy to care, but then again, it leaves my heart empty that he hasnt contacted me, but im sure its not just because of him. my heart is just, empty. but i guess its a feeling i should be used to right now.

some days i feel like im falling backward, some days, i just wanna get away because people are driving me nuts. i wish i could have my own place with as many cats as i want so i dont have to listen to bickering about money, or having my own opinions about the way things are being done and then im shunned for when i try to speak about it so i just hold it in because i dont feel anyone understands it. i want to hit people in the face for being hypocrites, lazy, dont do their jobs right, or just dont know how to drive. i think i need a punching bag.

i have started to notice a slow result in my body from working out. even though i may only work out once or twice a week. if im lucky, three times a week. its slowly starting to transform my body, even though i dont feel different, and its not helping my feelings of uggghhh any more.

well this is my passing of the time rant. im sure there is a lot more i could type but i cant think of any.

I fly like paper, im high like a plane.

Warblers are that surprise that you don’t expect. They’re that little glimpse of joy in the underbrush, or the forest canopy, they often find us when the light is filtered through leaves, trees, things that can be beautiful in their own right, but block the light. Warblers remind me that there is also something to smile about, something to chase after, to keep moving for, even if it’s something very small. Small doesn’t mean it’s not important, it just means you have to pay attention, and be willing to notice things that most people never see at all. Whatever is happening in your life I hope you find your warbler to bring a smile to your face, to make you remember a happy memory, or just to be reminded that even in the killing heat there is still song and a bird no bigger than my three fingers put together singing joyfully, courageously, who doesn’t know that there is such a thing as hopelessness.~ Laurell K. Hamilton

this reminds me of something my counselor wanted me to try to do. look ahead to things, whether they are small, or large, there is always something to look forward to in life. recently, ive been feeling the medium i have been feeling for a while. its been a while since ive had a down day. the last down day that i had was a weekend that i kept remembering those slowly fading, but still vivid memories of andrew. it made me miss him, and hate him for him having a family and having a happy life. we drove by greensburg on the way to tennessee. i was hoping that my dad didnt stop there. and he didnt. he kept going. it was mentioned later about my facebook status that mentioned him stopping there. he said i thought you would be over this. i didnt have an easy, explainable reason. i'm over it, yet something like that, where i havent been to in almost five years, that he was the only person that i experienced greensburg with and its just a painful memory of his current happiness and my floundering back and forth between hating myself and being ok with myself.

why cant i just do shock treatment, and get rid of just andrew. thats the only thing that i have heard of that deletes memories, but the only thing. it deletes all memories. not just the ones i hate. so much for that idea.

i try too much

im not perfect, but im hurting myself striving to be. i move from this chair i will cut myself. im scared. i just cant do anything right. i think i am and i fuck something up. i hate being numb. i hate people mad at me. i hate feeling helpless. i hate all the strained relationships.i hate myself. i hate that i hate myself. i just dont know what to type. and att he top i hate that i think that this is self centered thinking.

heart break hotel

am i just a horrible person? i wouldnt call it a good thing that i have no sympathy for ones recent heartbreaks. all i can think of when i was in high school and i went through what they were going through at the age of 16 and almost no one wanted to reach out to me and say, we can make it through. you can do it. all i got was, just get over it from many many people. some i just didnt even try to talk to about stuff, well partially cause not everyone needs to know my business and its not like i was close with everyone in my high school class. i dont know. i think im just cynical once again. my heart goes out to your heartbreak, but in the end, i just keep thinking about karma. what you are feeling now, i felt for over a year at the age of 16. i dont know, maybe this is just stupid. does anyone else feel this way? has anyone gone through what i went through? not like it was the worst thing that could have happened to me, and im sure it was not the worst thing that will happen to me. im sure people have it worse then what i did. not saying that. thats just not right. but to go through what i went through, that was a lot of pain to deal with. that was a lot for a young girl. others are now five-six years older then what i was and now they are dealing with it. i dont know. i just dont know what else to say besides: "Man, doesn't it suck? now you know what i went through five years ago in high school"

im so horrible.

those summer nights

another summer night, and i must say, i have been keeping myself busy enough this summer to keep my mind off of anything bad happening or any of the bad things that could happen.

i did nothing for the forth. i worked. last night i sat at home and did what i am doing tonight, drank a wine cooler, and read my book. except tonight i have a computer on my lap and my book closed next to me.

my sims game wont work on my new laptop, so i decided to build my own desktop, which will be about 600 to 700 dollars. i have about a thousand dollars more to save. which makes me feel bad cause i dont feel like im putting money away just to put money away. its always to save for something only to go to spend it. maybe ill just start taking some money out of one savings to put into my never touch except for emergency savings. why does money always have to get in the way? well, a good thing is that vocational rehabilitation is going to help pay for school because of my depression affecting my schooling so much. which will help me and my family out alot. im not sure how much they will pay for, but im hoping for quite a bit. now only if i can get the state to pay for all my medications like they pay for everyone elses. hmmmm..... at least they are going to spend money on me for something. it would be great.

as for the rest of the summer... i kind of met a guy. his name is tim and he works for home city ice. i havent got to do anything with him on a count of work, so ive kind of been talking to him. not alot though. steve has been keeping me company which helps out a lot. ive been shrugging off a lot of things that i cant stand about him and just leave or stop talking to him when it does happen.

i feel like this is a pointless writing. but i guess its an update for my two followers. oh yay.

"broken hearts are for assholes"

last night was the first night i began apartment sitting at steves for the weekend while he was out of town and i can watch his cats while he is gone. well last night there was a thunderstorm that knocked out the power and was out for almost twenty four hours. i layed in bed last night and suddenly thought, wow, my mind is blank. my mind is not thinking bad. but yet, im still not happy, but not sad. i was neutral. it was a good feeling to be neutral, i just kind of smiled, rolled over and fell back to sleep. for the past couple days, i have been "neutral". not sad, but not happy. its good not to think so horrible, and not be so negative, for once. i just hope it was be this way for the rest of the summer. the good grades in calculus are also helping. two quizzes, one was an a+ and the other was a b. :D it mkaes me feel liek i can do this. i understand this. its going to be ok. i can do this. its going to be ok.

you are beautiful. no matter what they say. words cant bring me down

its been a back and forth battle still with myself and my negativity,and my "over generalization", as my counselor and psychiatrist say, as the summer kicks off to heat, humidity, sun, and severe storms.
one day, im ok. the next, its down and out. yesterday was a down and out day, until i went to skyes graduation party. made me feel quite a bit better, believe it or not. felt like it was people i could kind of relate to. who knew what i could be, or what not. i guess you could say.
i went to steves this afternoon and he was watching christina aguilera: behind the music. to my surprise, i was sucked into what was being said and shown. her music sucked me in (but how couldnt her voice suck anyone in??) then she went into discussing her 2002 release of Stripped. I remember when this album first came out. it was 8th grade and i was sitting on the bleachers listening to brehanna ward and amanda stahl look at the printed of lyrics of dirrty and singing it. and andrea clarks love of her album. thats what i can remember from that album. she soon went into describing how she went into a deep depression on this album, and the women who wrote "beautiful" played the song for christina and from the get go, she knew it was to be her song. realizing that she had pain as i have pain, and she does have the emotion to go with her songs that she sings about, that she isnt perfect and she is dealing with what i deal with on a daily basis. she talks about her current husband, and how he was the one that was there for her to lean on to get through the darkness and pain she was dealing with. they described studio sessions during stripped where she would just break down and cry from the sadness that she had been holding in from age 6. it touched me. i just stared at the tv, thinking that there is someone this beautiful, suffering from insecurity and depression.

her songs have a whole new meaning to me. its something that she has been dealing with and it just isnt a stupid pop song to get on the radio. its from the heart.

i can do this. i can win.

such a lonely day, and its mine.

ahhh the beginning of summer. i can feel it already, the humidity in the air, the random rain showers. talk of swimming and going to the beach, oh and my lonesomeness and the feeling that everyone is pushing me away. the unanswered text messages, the cancelling of plans, and putting bread and buns up.

mom and dad went to vegas this week. i wanted people to come over and keep me company. it just hasnt happened. my sister has had colton over every night this week and it just makes me feel lonely. falling asleep next to my cat and my tv on. shes done better then what i thought, thinking that she would have people over every night. course nan has been here too so im sure thats cut down on a lot. but i just had a break down monday night, and today wasnt very good either. yesterday, i had plans with tim, and he bailed on them because he had a meeting. well, im pretty sure its because he just forgot he had it like he does pretty much with everything. but of course, i take it tooooo far, and jump to the bad thing all the time, and everytime.

i posted a status on facebook about my friends, and i shouldnt have because they dont do the things that i make them out to do. and it just made me feel worse. how can i be so selfish? they care, they love me, but their world does not revolve around me. i guess i just want to be the center of someones world.

heather said to me today that she hates that im not happy. i hate that im not happy. so i thought about it a little bit. i cannot really tell you too many things that i can think of that make me happy. ive withdrawn from all the activities i used to love to do. ride my bike.. hell i cant even tell you. i think i got lost with all of that during the transition to high school, jumping into a relationship to define myself. i was never like that until i was with a guy. then it went to andrew, and well, we all know where it went from there.

when will something satisfy me. when will i finally be happy. maybe soon.

hate to say this, but i hope calculus makes me feel better this summmer.

i wanna fuck you like an animal

i feel like sex is kind of an addiction. i dont want it cause it hurts me physically, but i want it cause its the only thing that makes me feel like someone cares, someone wants me, until its over and they get up and leave. but what if the physical pain is because of the emotional pain? is this all just from andrew. the pain that he left me to remember when im having sex. that they are jsut going to get up and leave after the deed is done. maybe i just need someone to love me, i need to have the love with the sex, and maybe it will all be better. i feel like no one will love me. i feel like this stupid depression will over rule any love that may come into my life. i went backward i feel like, i started talking to beau. but its nothing as to what i want. its just random text messages, if he even answers me. hes in love with someone else. and yet, i have the crazy thought that i can make someone fall madly in love with me, like andrew always told me, "there is just something about you that makes me love you". why hasnt it happened since him? i may have fallen for one other, and maybe another one that i can see myself falling for. but why dont they fall for me? what am i doing wrong? is it cause im giving my self up that easy? i dont feel like i am.

i just dont know. why wont someone just fall in love with me and just be here for me so i dont feel like this anymore.

i will find another way

well, its over. im done. i cant be with him if he is going to cute me down like that and not try to make things better for me. or even try to understand what goes on in my head.

so now im back to me. just me. no one else. i hate it. i hate not having someone around. and the people who do care, i just feel like i bug the shit out of them. so i feel like i want to cut myself off from everyone. and yet, i dont.

and yet, im trying to make amends with my past. drop grudges that shouldnt be held.

i was on facebook, looking at an exs page, shouldnt have done. he just went from in a relationship to single. his status was just lost the best thing that had ever happened to me. it got me upset. seeing this line even in my blog gets me upset. why having i been the best thing to happen to anyone? im just here. just cause. cause why? i dont know. i want to be the best thing to happen to someone. i want to be held, and cared for like nothing else matters. and i think this is all i can write right now cause i cant start crying while im sitting in a lab in school.

but, i think the song that will get me through this right now is Hurt's Well. there is something out there for me. "i will find another way" i wont do what first happens in the song. because the whole point is to find another way after losing someone or dealing with doing somethign to someone that you care for, or joining a record contract that was so wrong for some one.

with or without someone. I WILL FIND ANOTHER WAY dammit. i will. i will be well some day.

self-inflicted

another weekend. ive spent some time with steve over the week, but nothing has changed. he seems to be more of a dick then usual. today was the final straw. im tired of his negativity, how he treats me, and how it feels like he has no respect for me. i need that. i dont want, i NEED. i was at tims today when i was texting him back and forth a little bit. he asked what i was doing, and i said i was hangin out with tim. he thought it was funny. he always finds it funny. so i asked why. he said cause its just funny. my reply back to him was glad you think so. and i got a text back from him that i had never expected. his reply was "yeah, sorry im not depressed all the time and i can laugh at things" i just started crying, in shock of what he had just said to me. tim was asking what was wrong, what he said to me. i told him and he said, dont text him back, what an ass. my reply to steve was, that was fucking low. he said, well its true not to be rude. im just done. i just cant take it. does he ever think that maybe its him that makes me feel so depressed when im around him? i do sometimes. but i get depressed all the time. who knows. but im jst done. i want to get my stuff and just be done. i hate this. i hate relationships. why cant i be stronger? i said to my counselor yesterday that im afraid of getting hurt. she said, well what are you going to do. you have to take risks even if you are afraid of being hurt. whats the worst that can happen?

so off that note, that conversation started because i mentioned beau. i seen him that morning and we soemwhat talked. some of the most talking weve done since he broke up with me. my counselor suggested contacting him. i had thought about it before. i wish i could send him a message and say, i miss you. can we try again? but thats just too out there. i would never get the guts to do that. i miss him a lot. he treated me so awesome, filling my ears with compliment after compliment, smiling at me when i look at him, holding my hand when we walked, kissing me in the rain. taking me to dinner. i wonder if he still has Simon the Lion.

maybe ill figure out how to text him, get his number from tim. i dont know. i hate missing people that are in my past from over a year ago.

the frail

ever since thursday, ive been in a bad mood. ive tried to be all yeah whatever. thursday, i was bailed on after the plans had been made already. friday, i found out my hair dresser is leaving in june, after i finally found someone good. saturday, i just worked all day. taht was probably the best day of the weekend. in the mean time, i was trying to study here and there for my computer science test. i studied a little bit friday, a little bit saturday between work shifts and sleeping. sunday came and it was nice, i had the day off, with the test on monday looming over my head still. i planned to make the day a study day. i did pretty much for the most part. a few breaks here and there, which you need that when you study. later in the evening, steve asked me to go to the movies. i said yes. he was soon wanting me to stay the night with him. i wanted to, but yet, he has yet to make up his mind about us. so i said no. next txt i got, it was saying that he was just going to stay home for the night. so i continued to study. frustrated, and irritated with everything. i finished about 10 or so. and layed in bed, talked to tim for a little while, and then tried to go to bed. a layed there for a while, and finally fell asleep. i ended up waking up at 245 from dreams of hanging out with tim and lanita. so i sat up and studied for a while, and fell back to sleep. i woke up monday mornign, thinking about my test, and feeling fully awake. i worked and got to school to crunch about for about an hour or so before my test. i took the test, and i felt like it went horribly. i discussed with friends from the class and realized that i did things totally wrong. even today, i realized i did something totally wrong. on the inside, i starte to panic, and the thoughts of failure and dissapointing my parents again ran across my mind. i texted friends, they told me not to worry. so i put it off my mind for a while, checking oncourse constantly through the day, and finally my grade was posted. i got a 75. it was an awesome feeling. i made a passing grade. it made me happy. i have the final left to go and three more assignments to complete. and yet, i have physics to get through, a paper to write in art history, along with a final. history of rock and roll is no sweat. then just days after my finals, i will turn twenty one, hoping to start my summer off decently. and maybe it will last. maybe this grade and the last grade, which was also a B is the start to something good for me.

and maybe its the start of positive thinking. why does my junior year in any school suck for me?

Misery'n

"ive been misery'n. ever since my daddy gone yeah. ive been hunny ive been misery'n yes i have. ever since my daddy gone. but i believe that it wont, it wont be too long if i can just hold on until my misery will be gone"

well, its been two weeks since steve and i have been on a break. do i see us getting back together? not really. he's got too many other things too put forth then commit his time to me, and quite frankly, i should feel the same. i have school, and my mental health. i need to get out of this damn depression. im now on 90 mg of cymbalta and 300 mg of welbutrin. but i dont know how im supposed to feel on these things. i jsut wish i could kick it to the curb and be done. why do i define myself by my depression? is it because i dont know myself outside of a depression? my psychiatrist is on the quest for me to find happiness in myself and no one else. i wish i knew how to work on this. i just wish i knew.

i wish i didnt feel like i was alone. i feel like im sinking backwards. it doesnt help that i feel like my friends are deserting me again. they bail on plans with me, and what do i feel? nothing. numb. no feeling. i just keep texting until i hear something. then i finally hear something, and im fine.

school makes me wanna break down even more. i took a test again and it didnt go well. im falling very far behind in physics. i cant ever muster up the motivation to do anything with it. i almost caught the lab on fire the other night. im just annoying with it. i dont wanna do it anymore. i just wanna work with my computers. this has NOTHING to do with them. it does, but doesnt. i have a final project, and a final and a couple labs left. i can do it. its just not easy. i cant stand the professor. and my lab partner annoys me.

one day, my life will be about me. one day, i will get what i want. happiness. true happiness. i cant live like this for the rest of my life. just take things day by day.

i sit on steve's couch, contemplating so many things in my head. my up and coming colonoscopy. once again, a search to end my problem that i am afraid that i may never find an end to. im going to be twenty one and i wont be able to enjoy sex because there is too much pain and i can never want to be in the mood anymore because why would you want to do something that hurts you? that part i believe is psychological. as for the actual pain being psychological, i won't rule it out. look at what i have attached to my memories of sex. pain and suffering. yesterday, im pretty sure i seen korey. my heart began to race and i began to panic and flash back to sitting in the front seat of andrews truck travelling down us 20 by the by pass and korey sitting in the back telling andrew to turn the nickelback song off because he didn't like it. inside, i was screaming for him to get the hell out of the truck. we were sitting at a stop light and i kept glancing back to see if it was him and i couldnt see him. but prior to that, i could see him in my rear view mirror. the way he moved, the way he sat in the truck, it was no doubt him. i just wish i could never see him again, and the next time i do see him, it be an obituary in the paper. i know, sounds cynical. but thats how i am towards him. i hate him. and yes, i know hate is a bad word, but i cant hate anyone as much as i hate him.

i went to my advisor about next semester stuff a week or so ago, and i finally feel as if i have some sort of closure as to when im going to graduate and this school stuff. but feeling better about not doing the best that i can do is another story. i get grades back and i'm i think to myself. what the hell have you done.you can do so much better. your so worthless. this is why mom and dad ahve to pay more on car insurance cause you failed and fucked up your gpa. way to go. yes. thats what i think. there you go. a view into kays head.

today. i went to Highland cemetary to find Micheal Grembowiczs grave site. i found it. i wasnt expecting what i saw. i saw a tiny head stone laying even with the ground with his picture in color on it. in my head i thought it was going to be a huge headstone with beautiful engravings, covered in flowers and knick knacks from over the years. along with the headstone, however, was a cross with his initials on it with an unopened bottle of miller light propped against it. it made me smile. i stood there and thought about what was underneath me. bones? a casket for sure, but what else. as i drove around the cemetary to find his grave, i had wondered to the back of the place and seen all the varieties of the things they place in the ground, and i would imagine that the casket is placed in it. where does he go? did he see me? is he in the place like in dantes inferno because he did commit suicide? as i left, i thought about visiting hayley dowluts grave, only if it wasnt on the other side of town. how is her headstone? how many people visited these graves to see their lost loved ones. it makes my head hurt just thinking about it. all these questions that one will never know.

well, i guess there is my rant for the day.

nothing to write about but i feel like i should

i sit here at steves in front on of my computer, watching baby blues. i didnt know this show was even on anymore. i remember watching it years ago, and thats about it.

i think so mnay thoughts in my head, that i just dont know what to think about anymore. i think about the disease, about school, my relationship with steve and family and friends. i think about work, and how long it will take me before i can go back to sleep. tomorrow it will be about how much my foot is going to hurt when i am working. its one thing i never thought someone would do, but hey, onyl i can manage to swing my foot back into the faucet in the shower just to end up with a bleeding gash in my heel, with very little pain until the next day at work.

one thign that has been crossing my head is the thought about my stupid depression. janie, my second mom pretty much, sent me a message on face book, saying how she thinks i define myself by my depression. i totally agree with her, and i just dontk now how to fix this problem with me. i started on cymbalta, and ive been on it for about three weeks now. its been helping me out so much, kind of. mood wise, i dont feel like ive changed much. but it seems as if my suicidal thoughts have diminished to pretty much nothing. very little have been occurring and that is only because it is mentioned to someone or something.

well, thats my rant for the day. i dunno what else to write.

cause i love you. i have loved you all along

well, my new therapist wants me to write about new years eve 2004/2005. everyone of my friends have heard at least a little something about this new years eve. and this is down to everything i remember. this is the first time i have ever, EVER, wrote about this night that would soon start my battle with myself and everything else that went on from this day on.

we were on our way back from greensburg on december 31, 2004 because there was no place for us to stay there. i had decided to finally try the drinking game with andrew. i was pretty nervous about it considering it was my first time doing it ever. but i felt comfortable with him and i trusted him. we went back to his house to nap for a while. i lied to my mom about where i was, making her think i was in greensburg when i was in south bend the whole time. andrew wanted new years eve to be with korey, i however, did not. i wanted to go to my friends house because i hated korey and it was not my idea of a place to be on new years eve with this boy that i was in love with. we ended up at wendys at one point, and i just remember feeling sick and sitting there waiting for korey to get off work so we could go to his brothers. we went out to eat at hooters to kill the time away. in the truck on the way over there, i told him that i didnt want to be with korey on new years eve and he was kind of offended and threatened to take me home and that i should stop acting like a baby. this was something that i had never heard him say to me ever. we ended up at hooters, ate, then went back to wendys to wait for korey. he was finally off work and we went to his house so he could get his alcohol and to take a few shots with his mom. soon, we were on our way to his brothers house. i was getting uncomfortable so i grew quiet. i took my tinkerbell throw in so i would feel a i little more comfortable. we sat down on the couches and got comfortable. dukes of hazzard was on and the bottles of beer, cigarettes and southern comfort quickly came out.
they got me a glass and andrew poured me a little bit of soco to try. i drank it. it hurt my throat like crazy, but i kept drinking a little more, and they kept asking me if i felt anything. at one point i didnt, the next i was laying on andrews lap, giggling my head off. i looked at him and keep telling him that i loved him. he puffed on a cigarette and i yelled at him for smoking because he knew that i hated it. the rest becomes a little bit of a blur. i remember korey taking pills and then smoking pot with his brother and sister in law. i yelled at him for doing it, and they soon started questioning me about why i hated korey so much. a straight answer never came out of my mouth. i just remember hanging on him and giggling, and being really loud. we missed the ball drop, and i lost track of time. i remeber at one point his sister in law was telling me to not do something on her couch and that it was her house and i needed to respect it. i was told later why she said it.
next thing i knew, korey was in the bathroom puking and soon passed out. his brother was scared, but i dont really remember my reaction. i soon ended up in koreys brothers kids room with andrew, laying on the tiny bed of a five year old, with dora the explorer and spongebob staring down at us. i dont remember how i got in there, but it was said that andrew carried me in. while we laid on the bed, we talked about having sex, but we did other things first. i wanted to but i didnt.
i let us lay there for a while so i could sober up enough to make my decision. we fooled around more and fell to the floor, tangled up in my tinkerbell throw in each others arms. we soon layed there and talked about how much we loved each other. i never believed in forever. he told me that night that it would be forever and that we could make it work. i trusted him. the words that he used that night still ring in my head. for christmas, he gave me a gold ring. i asked him about it and he told me it was a promise ring and he was too scared to tell me that it was. we talked about having sex. this definently was not how i wanted to do it. i wanted the whole get up, music, candles, etc. we always talked abotu making a cd for the first time and i didnt want to because we didnt have the cd made. the last song he wanted on that cd was "we're in this together" by nine inch nails. he told me that it wasnt fucking, since that was the word i was using to refer to sex. he told me it was making love and that he wanted to make love to me and that it would mean a lot. i told him to go get the condom, and he ran out to his truck to get it. i layed there, not that i remember much of my thoughts as i laid there waiting for him to come back to me. he came back and laid with me and i finally decided that this boy that i loved so much was to be my first. he entered me, and i let it go for a couple minutes, scared, but enjoying it. i told him to stop. and he pulled out, not finishing. we layed there with each other, and we ended up crawling back into the childs bed. i was happy. happiest that i had ever been in my life. the next morning i woke, and i couldnt help but smile. we left and went back to his house, soon to take me home to my mom who knew nothing that went on the night before.

that night after i was home, my sister questioned me about whether or not i was a virgin or not. i didnt say anything, i just couldnt stop smiling. that night, i layed in bed and began to think, what if i get pregnant. i was scared so i called him up to come over and talk to me because i was. i told him what i was scared of and he made an attempt to comfort me. then he asked the question "do you regret it". i answered real quick and said yes, and he didnt like that very much. he said he was hurt, blah blah. and thats the main part that i dont talk to people about much. from there on out, well, look at me now and thats what you get.

the promise and the threat

im feeling worthless. lonely. careless. uncared for.

the numbness in my hands come and the mention of "drilling a wire through my cheek" from the lyrics of a song makes me think of pushing a wire through my arm and just let it bleed.

im home with incisions on my stomach, as my mom goes and hides in the bathroom for another ten minutes or so to come out and just annoy me to all ends of the earth.

my heart yearns for the smile of the people in the pictures on new years eve that i looked though
tonight.

why cant i smile like the people in those pictures. can it actually be for real? why cant it just stop being fake?

i close the images and tried to push it away with a high lighter and a C++ programming book.

i look for sailor moon on youtube to catch a small watch of an episode and it makes me smile.

it takes me back to a time when i didnt have to worry about finding myself. meeting people. going somewhere in life. money. depression. medications. earthquakes in countries and people who get away with drunken driving. nor did i have to worry about sitting at home while my sister walks out the door again to go have fun with a new person that she has met.

up until seventh grade, that was the last time i pretty much remember being really happy. but that's also the time when everything changes and you start needing to find yourself.
i found the darkness that i live in right now. did my clothes affect this? sure. did my music? yeah. i wont lie. all my friends that i did have pushed me away so i met others and as soon as i met them, i was pushed back into a hole. i didnt have my best friend anymore. she found her place to go. i found mine, and sad to say, neither one of us went to sailor moon like we did in elementary school. hers was in the church and mine was in Nine Inch Nails. It is still my comfort to this day. Besides hurt. i have found that i just cant listen to that song. it reminds me of times that i want to get away from, and the last Nails show in a long time.

my cat curls up to my legs and i think that she is one thing that i have in my life that rarely lets me down. besides when she is hyped up and doesnt want to come lay with me any other time but when its late at night or when i am upset. when i need it.

i wish she would talk to me.

done

yesterday i decided that im done going to my current counselor. i cant waste my gas and time to go to a guy who doesnt know what the main reason is for being depressed. I have been going to Dr Warner for over a year now. probably about a year and a half. recently, ive been getting tired of going. first, when i did start going to him, i was having problems with tim and all my relationships. from that, it spawned everything that went wrong with me was tims problem. if i turned a guy down for something, tims fault, if i got into a fight with mom, tims fault. for all i know if i told him a dropped soemthing on the ground or made a wrong step any which way it was tims fault with him. reason why i came home from ball state, tims fault. i should have just stopped going then and there. well, i went to ball state, had a counselor there and he was pretty good. came back home. i didnt go for a while. and then i decided i had to go before something happened. well. it was fine for the most part until just the past couple weeks. one thing that set me off was when i discussed with him about the surgery that i am getting done on the fifteenth. it is an exploratory procedure because i have pain during sex. they dont know the cause, which is why they are doing the procedure. i was waiting for a while to talk to mom and dad about stuff. insurance, when i should, etc. all those things that might be of concern. well, he continued to tell me it was because im scared to do it and im too uncomfortable to talk about sex with my mom. which isnt true at all. its not like my mom doesnt know what is going on. it had absolutely nothing to do with anything about not talkign to my mom about sex. its totally irrelevent.

i was very pissed off after this meeting. i ahd another meeting and it wasnt too bad. friday, that was it. i was in there and he was asking about how my new years was. and i said just another day and began to mention something about andrew. and from there, it went down, i guess youcould say. he then said i didnt know how much andrew had hurt you. right there was my decision. andrew is a main cause of why i am today. so, i have been going to this guy for over a year now and he still cant tell me why i think the cause of my depression is and anything about andrew. anyone and pretty much everyone i know or meet knows at least the name, or a little something about andrew.

thats it. done. thats all over with. i called the counselor that my auto shop teacher and his wife suggested. she is under my insurance. i am also going to be going to a psychiatrist the first of february and hopefully something good will come out of that too.

monday, i plan to start my "diet" as well. so. im hoping that my resolutions are going to fall into place and i can get through this. get a better counselor, better eating habits, better medication, and maybe even an exercise routine to go with it.

Goodbye 2009, Hello 2010

wow, 2010. i dont know if i can get used to this year. i miss the two zeros together...... not like it really matters at all. ha ha.

well, its the day i dread of the whole year. and yes, once again, i cried. even though im here with Steve. all he wants to do is sleep and this day doesn't matter to him it feels. hes so busy with work that i don't blame him. i just wish i could stop thinking about the past. in 2009 i found his myspace. i found that he has a baby. why cant i just move on and be happy. i mean, i feel like ive moved on. its just this night. this one night of the year where i just cant hold myself together about the situation. i had to go into the bathroom tonight so steve wouldnt see me cry because he would want to know why i was crying and i dont want to tell him it is because of my past. that just isnt the good thing to do.

well, onto other things from 2009 that made things worth while through the year, and some that weren't. 2009 seemed like a year for everything to go screwy with my car. from hitting trees in early january to getting my engine tore apart to fix the gasket and running over a curb and getting a flat tire that just happened yesterday. I'm hoping that this will soon end with my car and this year i have already started to save money for a new car.

looking back on music in 2009, it was a good year for nine inch nails. the last weekend in may, i went and seen them in three days in three different cities. then i seen them august 29th and that was the last time i will seem them in a long time. it was amazing. its the only thing that lifts me out of my depression for the most part. trent also got married and congrats to him. not only that i seen godsmack, and theory of a deadman and part of motley crue. And one of the biggest shocks of 2009 and this is on everyones list is the death of Micheal jackson.

As for friends. Heather got married to brandon in october of this year. Tim has a girlfriend who he has been with for a while. and i myself started dating again. I started dating steve august 29th. and as for liz, i changed her oil and drove her car off the ramps. go me. :( but her car is fine!

i have decided to set a few resolutions for myself as well. This year, i want to make myself better. Its all about me this year. I hope to start a feeling good "diet" very soon. within the first week of the year i hope. I have also said to get through my feeling good book and try some of the things that are in the book to try and better myself. i also want to start a new hobby, and that hobby is sewing. whether or not it will last long, im not sure, but it never hurts to try something new. i tried once and got very frustrated. i have already trying to better myself by booking a surgery for a health problem i am having and im getting that done in two weeks. its scary. but its only exploratory and i hope they find something. so, hope that everything turns out good for me!

happy new year to everyone and i hope its good for everyone.