I'm only happy when it rains

Another weekend, and another battle with myself and depression. my negativity is starting to take a toll on steve and i. a small thing happened on thanksgiving, and i just wouldn't let it go. it was nothing according to him, and he just got fed up with me being worried about nothing, like i usually do. so yesterday, i just got really down in the dumps. thinking about how much this would be better if i had never fallen into this depression. he asks me to be positive, and wants me to be positive but its been so long since i have been positive about anything that its hard for me to do. so once again, i just broke down. wanted to cry. and thats what i did. it got bad last night. it got to the point where i just wanted to cut and cut and keep doing it until someone found me locked in the bathroom in the shower and maybe it would have been too late. i left my razor out of the shower because i didn't trust myself. i did lock myself in and just stood there under the hot water and cried. cried because i just don't want to do this anymore. mad because i feel like im wasting so much away. mad because i cant just wake up and make this go away and be positive about everything like a lot of other people do. i decided im going to try to find a new counsellor. i dont just want my whole depression battle to be with pills. i want someone to give me tips that i can do outside of counselling and not blame things on one person. i went to a counsellor so they wouldnt be biased. i just want someone who might actually help me. im not going very often right now, but i only seem to have bad weekends. I talked to skye last night about quite a bit, and it helped me get my mind off of how miserable i felt. it helped out a lot. its nice to talk to someone who has something similar going on as i do. or someone who can relate because people who don't know it doesn't know how it is. its not a week thing where you're sad. its a permanent sadness, is what it feels like. like everyday, nothing can be happy. its not because i choose to be this way. its not like i can drop this and turn away and it be just fine. it doesnt work that way. i cant just "get over it". that is the most overused term i have ever heard because it does not work that way. someday, ill see the sunshine after the rain.

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone

A day late, i know but i was busy yesterday. I had a great day! steve came over and pretty much spent the day with me. it was nice. i havent had a good thanksgiving like that since andrew. not that the a few of the others were horrible, im just glad i could make some new memories. I'm very thankful for steve to be in my life right now. I'm pretty thankful for how my life is slowly coming togehter. even though school is stressful and everything else is as well, i know its all happening for a reason. I'm finding that meaning is applying more and more as life goes on. i think about andrew after i seen his myspace and thinking about how that could be me with a baby and who knows what else could have happened, like not going to school or who knows what else could have happened. i wouldnt have tim in my life, or liz, or heather because i might have never gone to school. even steve. i would have possibly been miserable with andrew. who knows. even though when i was with him i wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. and maybe i wouldnt have been upset or miserable. i don't know what may have happened, but i know my life wouldnt have been like it is now. and maybe i wouldnt have depression, but maybe it was hiding the whole time waiting for something else to happen and just ruin me even more and, just who knows.

school... nothing new... but maybe soon.

so, i turned in another calculus quiz today. i got help with people from class and tutoring. i feel pretty confident about it. i'm hoping that its a good grade, it will help my overall grade. im feeling confident and worried about the class as well. i have yet to fail a class in college, and i'm hoping that this is not the first. i feel like computer science is going much better then what it was before. course i think i have my energy worked out better with the pills and i think its helping me concentrate in class a little more then what i was before cause all i wanted to do was sleep. now, its not so much.

i scheduled classes of next semester as well. i decided against taking two computer science classes and to take another core class and get it out of the way. i feel like i would be too overloaded like i was this semester. so, i think im going to take some more core classes over the summer. nothing more then 6 credit hours because that is full time for the summer, which shouldnt be too much. i'm afraid that if i dont do something this summer that its going to be bad like the last ones were. so, i don't really want to take the chance of it. i'd rather be busy and pretty happy then not busy and miserable, like all my other summers. they seem to get worse as they go on, and on. so i dont want to make this a trend.

another day.. another tear

last night, i was bored and a little lonely on a halloween night. With steve in bed from a long day at work, I had nothing to do. But the Google search on my tool bar stared me in the face saying, search me, search for someone. I searched my name, which is always interesting to see how many names I can find of mine, and how many of me are in Germany. I'm apparently an author over there. Well, then came the thought, what if i searched for andrew again? last time i did, the only thing i found was his arrest for underage drinking. i searched a couple different ways. Andrew Ogden, Andrew Micheal Ogden, Andrew Ogden: Greensburg, IN. and up came a myspace profile of erin lovin, and in the description was the name batman(andrew ogden). i knew it was him. i went to the profile. and i think it was the erin i met when i went down there with him back in 05'. and there was andrew. a picture of him, a curly haired girl, sticking tongues out at each other and in her arm was a baby. his profile is on private so for right now, im pretty sure its him, but not one hundred percent. my heart started to beat faster. i gave up on the internet and went to lay down with steve. he was asleep of course. i choked back tears as i layed down because i told myself that i was no longer going to cry over him. a couple tears streamed and dripped off my nose onto my pillow and i began to think about all the good times. and then to think about the dark times that i had. now thinking, i had more dark times then i did with good times over andrew. But it still didn't matter. he was the first who i thought i would really marry. really be with for the rest of my life. But, as we all know, the fairy tale ending just doesn't happen.

today passed. i thought about him a lot today. i just couldn't help it. no way am i going to cry over it again, and no way am i going to be upset abotu it. its going on four years now. i still cant think of a day that goes by that i dont think about him. but i still try to think the positive. i could have gave everything up that i was so close to doing because nothing mattered to me anymore. i cant think to this day what really saved me beside my music. no one was there for me. i just went with the flow. i mean, liz was there. but i just cant face that i didnt really turn to her, and i just cut everything out of myself. swimming ended, tim and i ended, and my junior year was closing. that whole summer was a blur, even senior year was a partial blur, until swimming where i felt that someone might have cared about me. things with tim and i started and i quickly got myself together a little more. if it wasnt for swimming and my music, i might not have made it through.

when i walked across the stage at graduation, i wore the ring he got me. all i could think was, "You can't bring me down. I made it through after everything you did to me". I made it to Ball State and the September 26th date that we had started dating was the last time i could really remember crying over him. i had tim there to comfort me when no one else would. and i thank him for that.

here i am, four years later and i'm still crying. but its really not over him. today, i just think about how negative and how horrible i am, when im really not. i forgot to get a movie, and all i wanna do is beat myself up over it. i cant be a good girlfriend, i cant be a good friend, a good worker, a good daughter. i feel like i let so many people down, even myself. but i think i just leave myself down more then anything. and even tonight. i just wanna talk to steve about things but its so hard for me to open myself up about stuff when for four years i have learned to hold this stuff in because nobody wanted to listen. now i have someone who wants to listen and im just too afraid that im going to be criticized for my horrible thoughts abotu things. i just wish i could be positive. i wish i could think positive, talk positive, act positive. everything positive. but im not. im a big minus sign.