Can't you just take a joke??

that is the question. can i? and this is the answer. no.

my boyfriend, family and friends constantly play jokes on me, or joke around with me by picking on me because i'm so easy to pick on. I'm very serious and i take every joke to the extreme and think that its a hit against me. I think that is part of my depression.

probably about seventh grade was when i started to take everything very seriously, atleast for what i can remember. all through elementary school I was picked on. Made fun of about the way i wore my hair, the short pants i wore, the people who were my friends. who knows what else. i was a total nerd and people would always pick on me for it. but what did i care? middle school came around i became embarressed by my friends from middle school. it brought one of my best friend and mines relationship down. maybe this was were my depression seed was planted. i dont know if i became concerned with what people thought about me, but i never really think that i think that at all. if that makes sense.
eight grade came around and the summer before this i started listening to nine inch nails. it was so insane how fast i got into them. it was crazy. i just loved the music. so, i decided to change my self. I started to wear black nail polish. people at school gave me "goth" pants, and i started wearing all black. i collected band shirts and hanging out with other people. I was just as much embarressed by these people like i was with my friend. but i hung out with them still and held that embarressment inside hoping to keep it hidden and to move on without it.
i got to high school and i felt the same. i remember feeling that with my first boyfriend, and with andrew, and even in college with heather when we would run around campus. well, when she wanted to run around campus and i didnt want to because i felt too embarressed.

i forgot where i was going with this for a second, but now i remember. With the easy embarressment i feel like that was what transformed me into this person that is serious about everything. Even today, when i am with my family and my sister is acting stupid, i still feel embarressed. she is so carefree, and not worried about what people think of her. except when dad talks too much. i'm just embarressed all the time.

another thing that i think of with seriousness is when i feel like i laugh too much. i always tried to hide my laughing, and now that i think of it, why would i do that?? i don't know now that i look back. another thing that i can think of in the past is when we were coming back from a trip somewhere and she was making fun of me i think and i was reading where the red fern grows, and i just started to cry. it was a mix of the dogs dying in the book and elle making fun of me i think. i lied about it to my mom and told her it was because of the book, but i think it was mainly because elle was making fun of me.

well, back to my point. i'm very serious and this is one thing i would like to change about myself. And with this, i think my depression will change, or lift. I think my seriousness has quite a bit to do with that. Its sunday night and i couldnt sleep. my mind keeps racing about this thing with seriousness. So i thought that i needed to do some research and find out what kind of self help is out there since i dont feel my counsellor will help me. and maybe this will help me with sticking to some kind of goal as well.

One site I found was about improving depression. I think i might throw this in there as well and start laying some goals down and some times to reach those goals. and hope that i cna do that, and not fail. maybe it will make me feel better about myself, and better about things with school. Although I feel like i'm doing better with my depression, i don't feel like im doing anything to help myself beside these stupid pills that i am taking.

I also wen to the doctor last week and was weighed. I was 140 pounds. i don't feel fat. im just not comfortable with that weight i guess. I would like to start trying to lose like, ten pounds or something. I need to start working out because if i dont lose weight, which i dont think i need to lose much if any at all, but i need to tone up because i dont feel comfortable with the way i look.

Here are my new goals:

• start on a Depression "relief" diet. (October 26th is when i want to begin)
• A slow work-out schedule (October 26th is when i want to begin)
• start writing about the good things in life: even if its something minor
  

For now, these two goals are two that I want to work on. I guess its not much of anything and its not much of a goal since i dont have a date to get things done on. Lets say, Christmas? I think that might be a good goal. If i achieve it before, then great. I need people to help me achieve these goals, especially the diet one. =/

Halfway thorugh the bottle

I'm about halfway through my 150 mg bottle of Welbutrin and then I will start on my 300 mgs. I'm curious as to how much it is going to help, if it does anything at all.
I'm hoping that it will give me the boost in energy i want. The winter months are coming, and the rainy and overcast days that we are having now are not going the greatest for me. I'm just so back and forth with everything. One minute I'll be content and the next I will be wanting to do god knows what. the next i'll be wanting to cry and the next im just numb with an empty mind. I have counselling tomorrow and I'm almost to the point where I just don't know what to say any more. anything I have to think of to say i feel its just the same ol' song and dance. usually i try to think of things that are bothering me. right now, i guess it's just school. i dont feel like i'm doing what i am supposed to, but i like what i'm doing. but i feel like a failure when i can't even get the assignments for my computer science class done on time. it frustrates me. i know that not everyone can get it on time. but there is this old guy in my class who pretty much kicks everyones ass. it bugs me. he has also had previous learning of C++ i think and that just annoys me a LOT. he has probaly gotten all a's on his assignments. i tjust really annoys me to no end. i went to tutoring today and the guy totally changed my whole program when i thought it was working just fine! its working again, but its not the point. I had just one little problem and he totally changed everything from that one problem. it just got me very frustrated and annoyed. which all comes to easy. but not as bad and it had done before. well, lets hope that things wrok out. im sure they will but its just frustrating right now.

i have been waiting to hear from the vocational rehabilitation people and i was really hoping that i would. what should i have figured. not good enough for that either. it hasn't been the two weeks that they said it would be, but its close. i'll keep hoping or maybe even call there again.

back to the doctor

yesterday morning i went to the doctor because i needed more refills on my Wellbutrin. whoopie. i talked to him about stuff. he decided to up the dose on it. how grand. he thinks it will help my energy levels. maybe it will. im hoping it does because i feel like im drifting on no sleep, even though i sleep for hours. last night, i got eight and a half hours, and then came home again and slept for two. i had to make myself get up. lets hope that it helps me out.

Vocational Rehabilitation

so, my counselor suggested to me the other day that there is a program available for people with mental disorders. they give grants. he thinks that my depression has affected my schooling enough that i could be able to get the grants. i called today and they say that within the next two weeks that i might find out. this might be good for me. based on what my counselor was saying that they would basically reimburse me for what the people at FASFA are giving me in student loans. It is said to cover my living expenses too. so maybei might be able to get my own place. that might be nice. ive been dreaming of that for a long time. we'll just see what happens with things.