Day 7- Back to the old

Last saturday, i started back on my old medication. i was miserable on the pristiq and i just couldnt take it anymore. i told my doctor to take me off and i went back on my old medication, starting at twenty mg, and boosting it up to forty.

saturday was one of the worst days that i have lived in a long time. at work, i felt worthless. i had to make myself go to work, and i just couldnt keep the idea of killing myself off of my mind. i had no plan, but i was so scared. i didnt want to stay home alone, and that god my family was home sick so i wouldnt be alone. i was very scared as to what i was going to end up doing. i dont cut, and i dont have any plan to do anything. it just wouldnt leave my mind. it is still in the back of my mind, but since saturday, it has been relieved. i boosted my MG's of my medication up to fourty from twenty, and i still think that i need to up the dose.

yesterday, i felt good. all of my friends text messaged me to see how i was doing. i felt great. today, not so much. i thought things were getting better. tim decided to message me today to tell me his girlfriend was over last ngiht and that he was "sore" from the night. i dont wanna know this. i mean, honestly. i dont think he understands at all. so, he ended up making plans with me on thursday, but i have high doubts that he is going to follow through with it.

i just want this to go away. i want my life back to how it was where my friends were single and they had time to do things with me. i know they care, but i dont feel like they do. i feel alone, tired of being the only single one of my friends. i dont really know what i want. i want someone, but then again i wanna be fixed so i dont scare people off with my depression.

i also think i need at new counsellor. he is constantly blaming things on tim, when it isnt. i can tell you that today was a day that he as gotten under my skin. i just wish he would understand how i really feel, and i wish i could tell him how i really feel about things. he just doesnt take things very well.i know how he is.

i want someone to help me. let me know that you are out there. i need you.

Week 1-Day 5

this is my fifth day of the second week that I have been on my new medication, and its feeling as if nothing is working. Today and yesterday was the first time that I have felt some what decent then what I have been feeling since friday. Friday, I just lost it when I seen my best friend updated his profile to in a relationship with a picture of him with her. I wasn't bothered by that, I was more disturbed with myself and thinking about how it seems as if all of my friends are deserting me for the people who they just meet and not their friend who has been there for years. i havent seen him in weeks, and my other friend likes to bail on plans occasionally, and the other one is too far away.

my mind began to contemplate why he hadn't talked to me in a few days, and i began to wonder how real he was, if he was true to me as a friend, and my mind began to think that all my friends were fake, that they were a lie in my life, and nothing of me mattered to them. i got pulled out when they began to question my status and i realized that i dont want to hurt them and push them out of my life. i just wished that they didn't try to push me out of their lives when someone else comes along, and thats what it really feels like.

i cried friday, and it seemed as if it wasn't going to end. saturday, i still felt nothing at all, except the familiar tingles of numbness that happens in my hands when i think about what it would feel like if i just did away with myself then my friends wouldnt have to listen about my lonesomeness all the time and they can just go on with their new people. and yet, i think about my friends, and their reaction to this, and how i will never try it. ive tried to hold it back again, for a long time i was telling everyone what i was feeling, but my mind is making me think that there is no reason to tell them because its just for attention from my friends because i'm not the center of their lives. am i selfish? i dont know. maybe i am, or this is just coming with the depression, making me feel selfish, not wanting to be alone and if i dont see my friends for a while that im going to be deserted and alone for the rest of my life.

im scared as to where my life is going to go. am i going to fail out of school, even though im on deans list, which i don't exactly care about makin too much. i reached the goal i set, but i feel nothing about it. just a big emptiness toward it. am i going to find no one and all my friends go off on their own with the people they meet, and ill be their only single friend who lives with 40 cats and whom they come visit occasionally when they dont have any other plans. i hope none of my friends who read this don't get offended. this is just the way i feel right now. i hope to be lifted out of this soon.

I made it to Tennessee today. It was a fine drive down, and as soon as I seen many of the people walking around smiling and having a great time, holding hands and walking by the numerous wedding chapels that are around the city, and of course my mind wanders to how I might never make it to a wedding chapel, or even my own wedding.

day 3

my clean laundry piles in my chair next to my bed, and my dirty piles in front of the chair, hoping some day that i will wash them, only to know that they will only move about a foot to the chair, or to the basket in my closet until i get the motivation to throw it into the chair to wash my work shirts, which i am tired of washing already.

this is my third day on my new anti depressant, Prisitiq. it takes weeks before it shows signs of working, and im thinking that my wrinkled laundry and un matched socks are going to love the signs if they ever do show because maybe then will i have some sort of motivation to do soemthing with them. same with my white carpet, which is speckled with black cat and dog hair and blue bits from the blanket in the living room.

my desk is covered in a container of brownies with a checkbook on top, stared over by my fairy clock that ticks away but doesnt work very well. batteries sit to my left, whether they work or not, i may never know. there are also Candy Hearts and M&Ms sitting there for me to eat but my tooth hurts pretty bad right now, that it is sensitive to pop and water. pictures of trent are under the brownies from when i took them off my wall, not knowing what else to do with them, since he is pretty much the only person in my life that hasn't really let me down, i dont want to hide them, but show the world how much i love that man.

my cats are begging for food, along with my dog, and all i can think about is if it is ever going to get better. sure you say it might, but will it? truthfully??

i try to swallow my pill with no water, knowing that sometimes it goes down easy, and sometimes, it just sticks in your throat and dissolves into a nasty taste. i can almost compare that to life i think.

Depression, my battle, where it began, and where it is now?

this past summer i was diagnosed with depression. I started going to a counselor and wouldnt admit it to anyone. im growing more comfortable with the fact that i am battling depression and trying to make myself better. this is nothing to take offense to if you do read it. and i hope it isnt too shocking for anyone, and nor is it for anyone to take offense to. most of this is in the past.

yesterday, i watched a video in my wellness class about suicide and depression. this just really made me mad and made me want to cry and run out of there. i wish the people in the video realized how hard it is to let people know that you are depressed and possibly having suicidal thoughts. why would anyone tell someone who asks them if they are having suicidal thoughts or not. honestly, when i was asked when i started going to counseling, i was too scared to tell anyone that i was thinking about harming myself, even though the thoughts were not that bad. ive just started to tell people this. its not easy to do at all. i need to cause the thoughts seem to get worse. even if they dont occur all the time. i can think of only two times where i have harmed myself and that was in middle school. why, i have no idea. i think back, and it was the stupidest thing ever.

so i began thinking about where my depression really started. is it genetic? i don't know of anyone in my family with diagnosed depression. i have heard that my cousin has bipolar disorder, but i have never heard if that is true or not. no one has ever told me about anything dealing with depression in either side of my family. maybe that was why i was so scared to think that i have depression.

thinking back, i can think of a time with tim perkins, where he wanted me to go with him to a church group and i didnt want to go at all. i didnt know why. i just didnt want to. wanted to stay at home and play on my computer all night. i think that was forth grade.

maybe it was because people used to pick on me in elementary. it wasn't anything that i was insanely upset about, but deep down it hurt. i just carried on my merry way with my cartoons and fantasy life of sailor moon. its not like i never had any friends.i had the best friends i could ask for at that time. running around the playground playing sailor moon. i can remember in third grade when everyone wanted to sit by me, and there wasn't enough for people to sit by me. i can't even remember another time since then when i had felt so accepted by people.

sixth grade was when rachel and i started to fight, and argue. maybe this had an affect, because i was losing my best friend that had been there since preschool, sat with me on the bus from day one. and now, there were other people, sarah and kayla. she never wanted to come over to my house. i never did know why. i practially lived at her house, and she never wanted to come over to my house. our arguements carried on until the eighth grade where we just totally stopped talking. maybe i wasn't the friend i should have been. we have since healed that and we are both sorry for things we have done to each other in the past and we are both trying to make the most of it even though both of us have changed and have different interests. but we dont care. we're practically sisters.

i can remember another time where i made myself go to things with band for seventh and eighth grade. i never watned to go to concerts anymore. i loved playing my flute. maybe it was things that was going on with jenna and andrea, since we had been friends for so long, but people change. that wasn't it though, and nor is that something to take offense to. i remember my cat getting injured and then i just stopped going to honro band, then i didnt want to go to marching band, or even the other things that i had to do, i never did want to. i dont know what it was. maybe that was when i first started to show signs of depression. i eventually ended up quitting band after my freshman year in high school, to only pick it up again my sophmore year in college, but only to drop it again.

seventh grade was when i had my first crush on a guy. patrick k. i cant even remember how to spell his last name. i was rejected. of course. maybe this greatly dropped my self esteem. something did at one point. i crushed on him until eighth grade, until after i started to listen to nine inch nails. probably about half way through that year was when i stopped liking him. who knows. but that was really stupid, and thinking back, a total waste of time.

another time i can remember is when i was at a coworker of my dad's house. and there, people were saying, don't put on that fake depression act, where i was sitting in a chair by myself. maybe i wasn't. it might not have been an act. my black make up and clothes might have emphasized it. but i never wanted to admit it. i wanted to prove people wrong i guess.

or maybe it was when andrea clark and i stopped talking. that situation was so stupid. who knows why we stopped talking and why we were so mad at each other. its so far in the past that i cant remember what it was. maybe because i thought was too good. maybe she was too busy to talk to me. i dont know, but its in the past. it was just another friend to lose. maybe that pushed my depression a little more, not wanting to let another girl into my life because i was tired of being hurt by my friends.

josh was my first boyfriend. hes not one that i talk about much. i cant stand to talk about him. that is not something that i am happy about in my past life. but at the time, i guess i was. i had fits of anger for no reason at all. maybe that was another sign of my depression. i cant really remember anytimes where i was trying to go out any where at this time, and didn't want to. i wouldnt say i noticed anything about depression until he broke up with me. even then, i was quick to get over it.

my junior year in high school as when my severe depression came about, or atleast more of the signs. everyone knows the story. andrew ogden. the break up. the worst thing that has happened to me. there is no use in telling the story again. everyone knows theyve heard it more then once. his words ring in my head to this day, almost three years later "promise me that you wont be depressed". i told him i couldnt make that promise because i was going to be depressed. maybe he knew i had depression and he knew what he was doing to me.who knows about that either.

i never did get help. in health classes, when they talked about depression, i wondered if i was and i just ignored it. i finally resorted to getting help when tim told me that i needed help, and that he wasnt talkign to the same person anymore. its not a good thing to hear your best friend telling you that he isn't talking to the same person he has talked to for years before. so i went to counseling, and passed up my stubbornness and went on anti depressants, which i am still not comfortable taking to this day. and its been quite a few months.

its a battle i hope to win. i will try everything i can, and i probably will never know the real cause of it. it just might be the chemical imabalances in my brain.

alone

how i feel. ive been battling with my lonesomeness starting from the beginning of the summer it seems. why is it the summer that always makes me feel like this?

the one who i want, doesnt want me. the ones who want me, i dont want. and no, i dont think its because of the one i want. i could be wrong, but i dont think so. all of my friends are with someone, and yet again, im the only one who is without. i cant help but feel this way, and im sure i have already offended one of my friends with the comment. i love them, dont get me wrong. i just feel like outside of a party that i wasnt invited to, thanks to dane cook for that one.

i almost feel like im going to be stubborn like this for the rest of my life. and why is it the weekend when i start to feel bad! i feel so lonely, and liek no one is going to come along. i havent felt like i have been looking, they tell you not to.

i just dont know what else to type. i hate the fact that i am in love with my best friend, and he's too scared to lose our friendship. im not too worried about nothing happenning between as long as i have him in my life, i dont care if we get married or not.

i dont konw what else to say now. no one is going to read it, and when they give me advice, ill just shrug it off and call it annoying, and be stubborn about it. i wish i could change myself, but im afraid i will never be able to.