nightly lonesomeness and commercials

during the day, im fine. i sit in bed and study at night, and this seems to be the time i think of the day, and reflect. i'm not alone, i have my friends, and im so happy with being single. but yet again, i have a second thought about how im not and how i want to be with someone.

i still think about what my counsellor at ball state asked me about why i think life should revolve around love. one thing i really think about is when they advertise things like, match.com and eharmony, and all those things. i feel like those are just pressure for someone to be with someone else. you can live without a significant other. i have found this out. these commercials seem to just put pressure on a single person that they need a significant other, when one doesnt always need one. i always wondered before i had my first boyfriend when that would finally happen and i mourned being alone. years later, i learn that you dont need a significant other to not be alone, all you need is your friends.

im not alone, so why do i feel like it?

today is a day to feel alone

its 11:30 on a monday night, and i think about beau.

why do i feel lonely? i couldnt tell you right now. i also think about some of the reasons and some of the possible hidden reasons, especially behind beau and i's break up. was it because i was fearing what i knew was not true? the same with andrew? am i cursed to be alone for the rest of my life because i fear things too often? so far, tim has been the one to stick it out with me, even though we are not boyfriend, girlfriend, which is fine with me right now. is this how it is going to be with everyone that i am eventually with? how can i cut back this fear and not worry about things that may just ruin my life. in the end, i might be cursed and not be able to have children in the end and the by that time, it already has been too late for atleast one.

i am not capable of being loved? am i capable of loving someone back, or letting someone in and not being able to trust someone knew without getting hurt. i just dont know what to do anymore. i go back and forth with the feelings of loneliness and even my stupid depression. i feel like i am fine one day, and the next, i want to be with someone, or let someone in.

i'm lost in my life. where do i go? do i like this computer science stuff? i think so. i read up more on jobs and i liek what i could be getitng myself into, i just wish i could jump ahead about five years and see where i am at. i want my own place, i want my own family, with my pets and boyfriend, fiance, or husband, i want to know where my career is going, or even just starting out in my career. even if half of that happens in five years, i would be happy with that.

i wish i could make things work with him, but i dont look forward to that happening, and like i have said before, im just happy with him being my best friend. that works just fine for me.

i read in a book today about someone with depression and one of the things that help grow out of it is social support. i think that is one thing that is helping me grow out of this a little bit.

okay, thats my rant for the day. i think i feel better, all the other stuff in my head won't come out into words.

money and friends.. part deux

well, my other friends birthday is coming up. i have a total of 53.00 in my bank account and she wants me to join her in grand rapids for the weekend. oh how much i would love to go, but i am afraid that i will not be able to because i cannot afford it. i worked a whole seven and half hours this weekend and i will get about as much money as i did for this week, 54.00, and i cannot afford to take off.

someone help me... i am going to end up disappointing my friends because i cannot afford things to go do with them, and will be slaving over work on the weekends. atleast i am trying to save money and then....ahh fuck.....that will prolly end up going to school. :( stupid stuff. i wish my friends knew how much i care and how much i would love to put itno these things for them. bahhhh...

strangle me, someone, or give me a winning lottery ticket so i could take them all to a paradise far far away from this mess.

i should go back to counselling and maybe i wont feel so bad about this.

Money and Friends.

here i sit and i feel horrible about not being able to drive to see my friend this weekend for valentines day because i am not able to afford to go. she was planning on coming to see me and im not able to work around it with work because i only work two days a week, and i cannot afford to take off for the weekend that she wants to come. i feel horrible about this because i am poor and trying to see my friends at the same time.
so now i dont have a date for valentines day because i cannot work around this issue. it makes me sad because i wasnt going to be alone, and now i am.

i dont know what else to say about this. its all jumbled in my head and i cannot get it straight.