you have a friend in me, maybe.

its another winter day. abotu two below was the high today, and the coldness of outdoors almost matches the coldness of my heart right now. i have very few friends, and i love them to death, but sometimes i feel like my caring for them is almost a waste of my time. this might be a stupid thought, and it might offend people, but i just wish people would show much how much they do care for me, and how much i do mean to them, because sometimes i feel like i am nothing to them. i put them at the top of my list, and make them number one, and drop things for my friends to show how much i care, and sometimes i dont feel like they even notice, or care. things come up, like blogs, and questions, and i cant answer. because i can't answer these, i feel inferior and feel like i cant match up to what others can do for them. i feel helpless and i feel like i cant do anything about it. i feel like i can be the last one to know, and like no one can tell me anything, and that there isn't any trust there for me. i just dont know what to say anymore.

i just feel like a worthless friend and that i just dont matter to anyone.

i think i need to go back to my counselor.

January 5

it was a bright sunny day today, and i'm glad it was. today was three years since andrew had broke up with me. hard to believe it has been that long. i spent part of the day with tim, and the other part shopping, now i'm just relaxing thinking about other things, for once. it was the first in the three years where i didn't dwell on the thought of andrew, and how i wish he would be here, quite frankly, its the first time i didnt want him to be here. on my way to target this afternoon, i had realized that i was a sunny day and that maybe it was a sign for things to finally get better, and for me to finally leave andrew in the past. he is there for the most part, but i still tend to think of him, not as much as i was though. i woke up this morning and it took me a half hour to finally realize that today was the fifth, which is another good sign. maybe things are finally looking up for good now.

all i hope that i can say to myself is Happy 2009, without the thought of andrew.

Goodbye 2008, Hello 2009

Here i sit, in my room alone. i was not alone tonight, but i was not with the one i really wanted to be with. this is the time of year i hate. i tried the drinking game three years ago tonight. it failed miserably. i really dont want to go into the story of it, but lets just say i lost the one i thought that i was in love with and thought that i would spend the rest of my life with. well, that wasn't true. ever since then, i have dreaded this day. last year was the first year i didnt cry, but this year is different. the only reason is because i'm alone. i have had bouts this year from whether or not i want to be alone, or if i want to be with someone. this is the time of year i wish i was with someone, but not wanting to be at the same time.

2008 brought me a deal of whatever....i can't even think of what this year has brought me. i have made my best friends that will last a lifetime, even through girlfriends, fights about alcohol, and whatever else has happened. i can remember the earthquake that woke my sleeping room mate and i, and finally making my decision to move back home. opening myself up to date someone, only to be shit on again. i have recently been given the possible opportunity to date my best friend, which i dont know if it is a good idea or not yet, but its going to be slow, so i hope that is good. i got to see nine inch nails two times, going with my best friends to both shows. they also released two albums in one year, which was entirely amazing. i was diagnosed with depression, and got drunk a second time in march, which i am not entirely proud of. lets just say that 2008 was better then it was three years ago, and it can always get better.

lets hope that 2009 will bring me the luck i have been working hard to get to. or maybe this year will shit on me too.