Wintertime Love

The snow has fallen, and it's the first day of Winter today. Its a cold 6 degrees out side, and the sun is shining. Last night, I couldn't sleep on a count of Wintertime Blues, at least that is what I am going to call them right now. I layed and bed and was cold, longing for the warmth of someone next to me, holding me tight. I have been feeling this a lot lately. It must be something about the winter time. Maybe it is because this is the time of year that Andrew was with me, I don't know. Or maybe it is the cold lonesome nights. As for any wintertime love for me, it's not happening this year. The only "wintertime" love I have this year is my family, pets, and friends, and that is all i need right now. They all make me very happy, even though I can't be with my two friends from school, I will be thinking about them. As for Christmas, I hope that it will be enough to cure my depression and make me happy to be around the family for a while, well, cure it atleast for the day so I won't think about Andrew or even Beau for that matter.
Merry Christmas everyone!

Break My Heart, I Steal Your Shit

Okay so laying in bed once again, I finally thought of something semi-useful to write about.

I started thinking about packing my stuff up for moving home. And I thought about the hat I got out of my last relationship. Then I realized, I steal from the guys who break my heart. I knew that I stole stuff, but it is alyways from the guys who broke my heart.

Of course, from Josh, I got a couple CDs. Yes, he broke it, but I guess he didn't quite shatter it.

Andrew: I got a bunch of CDs, and Two of his Favorite hoodies. The Baker Skateboards hoodie, that I don't really wear anymore, and I dont think that it really fit him anymore anyways. Then the famous Black Label Hoodie. Matt King stole it long ago when Andrew and I dated. We fought so hard to get it back, then after Andrew left, I fought even harder. Then one day, I gave up. And the next thing I know, Matt is giving me the hoodie. I have it, and Andrew doesn't. He loved that thing. But he also said that he loved me, so I guess it goes hand in hand. The things that he said that he loved are left behind. He hurt me the most, so maybe that is why I got more stuff out of that relationship then all of the others I was in.

Tim: well, he never really hurt me while we dated, just after, and all I got was a lighter. I guess it is better then nothing.

Beau: he was the recent, and fuck him. Anyways. I got the hat, and I got the BEAU Menards Name tag.

I WIN. I have my heart, you don't,even though you did break it, I still have your shit. :)

A Random Subject or Two: Food and Sleep.

Thanks to Peligro at the NIN boards, I now have something to write about. I tried to blog earlier about Testosterone, Men, and Insensivity, but it went no where because my mind is mush from all the studying I did tonight. So i will now write about Food and Sleep.

It is finals week at Ball State University, and this means that I might be able to catch up on some "lost" sleep. My room mate would say that all I did was sleep, but this is the reason why sleep is AWESOME. I dont have to get up early all week, wait, except for two days, Friday and Wednesday. My first final is at 7:30AM on wednesday. I'm glad it is the only one I have to do that day because I plan on coming back to my dorm and going back to bed. so, sleep to me, is pretty amazing, until I wake up with a migraine from too much sleep, then I hate it. or if I have a night mare. But it's better when I have one of my good crazy dreams.

Ok, enough about sleep. Now to food. Right now, I'm so crazy hungry. But I just can't eat, because I brushed my teeth earlier. But a big ol' bowl of Ramen sounds SOO good right now.

okay, i cant write much more because i am tired. but i'm too stubborn to go to bed!

My New Game: My Friend Named...

okay, so i was lying in bed and started to think about the few, but amazing friends that i have. and i came up with this "game" i guess you could call it. im just giong to list my friends, in the order that they arrived in my life, and just read from there i guess.

My Friend Named Rachel. She has been there since pretty much preschool. We have been there for each other since Tim Perkins through the Lego at the PreSchool teacher, to the when I threw the Ken Doll at her head, to our crazy Sailor Moon Days, to "The MakeUp Incident", to CSI Barbie, to college finals. Through the years, we have made many great memories that won't be forgotten, and I hope we can make more. She is my rock when there is no one there, and she will always be there. She taught me to love someone for who they are. She also taught me the love of reading and writing. If she was not there to make me mad cause she always read faster then me, or to make me read Harry Potter, or Laura Ingalls Wilder, or Anne of Green Gabels, I probaly would not read as much as I do today. Nor would I be writing this. She would always write, and I would always try to write like her, but she always wrote better then me. But it still gave me the challenge. Her family is like my second family as well, and I know if Rachel isn't there, her family will be. We had grown apart for a long time, and even to today, neither one of us can really remember why we had stopped talking and started fighting. It was because we were both being immature I guess. All that matters now is that we are still in each others lives to help each other through the easy and the hard. I Love You Rachel.

My Friend Named Liz. We weren't really close until our junior year at high school. Even then, we weren't too terribly close. She was in my homeroom, and so we sat next to each other because there really wasn't anyone else we knew to sit next to. We started talking about what any high school girl would talk about, and that was boys. Chris had just come back from the army, and stopped talking to her. Andrew had just come into my life, and as fast as he was there, he was gone. I remember writing a note to her and telling her what happened. From there, we became good friends, getting closer as the years went on. We went on road trips, out to eat, visited colleges together, etc. We got closer after high school still. It shows who your true friends are, and she is one to me. When we need someone to talk to, we turn to each other, and we are there to cry on each others shoulders when we need it. Sometimes neither one of us knows what to say to each other, but we still know that each other cares because we are there to listen. We have been through similiar things and can relate on many levels. And she is there when we both need a night of Sex and the City or a movie night with a little wine. I Love You Liz.

My Friend Named Tim. Swim team was where it started for us. We dated for a brief time, but that never stopped us. We had times recently where we both acted stupid and didnt talk to each other.Now, he is one I turn to when I know I need to laugh, cause I know he will get me to. He is the one person who I thought that I would never talk to after high school, but he is one that I talk to the most. He calls to check up on me, and sometimes I swear that he doesnt care and could give a rats ass as to what I do with anything, but deep down, I know he loves me like the rest of my friends do. When I need a game night, or some awesome soup during the winter time, his house is the place to go. He is there for me when times are rough. I Love You Tim.

My Friend Named Heather. She is my college room mate, the only one I had because I didn't want to replace her after the first month that I was here, and I dont think I could even try to replace her. We had quite a bit in common, especially guys. I don't know what I would have done without her being here, I would have gone back home a long time ago I'm sure. She has introduced me to many people that I couldn't even think about doing on my own. I'm sad to leave her in the next week, but like she told me, I need to think about myself. I will never let a day go by that I don't think of her when I leave. Even though she has been down right cruel to me at times, I'm stil here for her because I don't like to see her left alone. She is one of the only friends I made here at college, and I wish I could take her with me back to South Bend, but I can't. All I can do is say that I am here for her no matter where I am, even if I am not physically there. I Love You Heather.

Who Says It Is All A Fairy Tale Love Story?

i have heard people say this before: "Disney Should Be Sued for Making Every Little Girl Think They Are Going To Meet Their Prince Charming". my counsellor asked me a couple sessions back about why i think that every person has to be in love, and life is all about your search for your prince charming or soul mate. i couldnt answer his question, and i thought about it more as days went on and i started to realize some things. to me, disney really didnt make me think that, or maybe they just planted the seed to further my thinking as i watched later cartoons like sailor moon, where it was serena's, the moon princess, destiny to be with darien, the moon prince. i thought that there would be a guy set in stone for me, one that will love me in the end, and no matter what we went through, i would know that he would always be there to help me be happy and love. maybe, i thoguht too much about this as a child, and when i finally got my first boyfriend, and went through my first break up, that that was not at all what was going to happen.

i longed to be loved, and then came my second boyfriend, who i did think was the one. i was sixteen. i look back now and realize how crazy i was to think that. since then, i longed for the love of someone. i remember crying in the arms of one of the guys at swimming because i was thinking that i was never going to find anyone, and i was going to be alone all of my life. he held me and told me i wasn't goin to be and if he was single at the time, he would want to be with me. today, he asks my sister why i was at his house to see his brother. i havent really dated anyone much in about two and a half, almost three years. there was a quick relationship, but that was over and done with in a matter of weeks.

but anyways. back to my point. what makes a girl think that they are supposed to be with their "soul mate" or their "prince charming"? is is disney? is it the fairy tales? sex and the city pointed it out about the fairy tales in the movie where carrie tells charlottes daughter after reading Cinderella to her that it was a fairy tale and things dont happen that way. is she absolutely right? or do we eventually end up with our prince charming? why does my mind think like this when as a kid, i never thought that i was really "dreaming" about my prince charming? never did i think about what color hair, eyes, how they are going to sweep me off my feet, how many kids i want one day, yada yada. all that stuff. but now, i long to not be alone, and long to be with someone like that, but still dont want to think of kids. so, is this true that people think that they are destined for their prince charming or their tuxedo mask? and is this really where it comes from? i wish i could pick apart every girls head to see what they think about guys, the future with guys, and all that fun stuff. i really want to know what they think, and if they think like me, or like this fairy tale stuff.

102 Minutes: The Untold Story

this is the book i am currently reading. i read the first 136 pages because my history test is on it on friday, but i plan on reading the rest of the book because i just couldnt put it down for what i did read. the authors go into many different things in the book, talking about the NYC police deparment, fire department, and things such as building codes. it also goes into some of the conversations that were taken directly from the people in the tower to 911 dispatchers and what not. this is more shocking for me to read then reading hiroshima. i lived this, kind of. nothing like how surviors lived this. but i remember when the towers were hit. i was in 7th grade, and it was about the time of the ISTEP, and we were in sitting in the theatre at dickinson, and the teacher in front of us was yelling at us to pay attention to the tv because something very important and serious was going on. i just kept on laughing with anthony, and whoever else was there because to me, it meant nothing. i watched the smoke pour from the top of the towers, and i really had no idea what these towers were at the time. i later learned how important these buildings were, and how much it has affected our lives and economy to this date. reading the book, i cant even possibly imagine how people in the towers were to handle this situation. i cant imagine what these people were feeling while they were in the windows of the world, trapped with no place to go, and you knew you were going to die, or watching the plane fly straight at them, thinking you were going to die, but made it out alive. even families of people who did die, what they have gone through from this. i cant imagine being in the area at the time. it would be a true adrenalien rush, but not in a good way. i cant imagine someone who did live through this, and how they are living today, because i know that if it were me, i wouldnt be able to sleep, eat, anything. how can someone live with the memory of surviving this building where so many other people have died. it is also hard to believe how much the public doesn't know about things. there were things that i read that i never knew, such as the police department and the fire department not getting along, no way to communicate with anyone in the tower. hwo long they thought that the tower would survive under the situation that it was under. it is also hard to believe how when they built the building, that they didnt even think about somethign like this happening, and getting rid of stairs because they could not collect rent money. it so hard to believe that these stupid things were the things that could have saved thousands of people lives.