I fly like paper, im high like a plane.

Warblers are that surprise that you don’t expect. They’re that little glimpse of joy in the underbrush, or the forest canopy, they often find us when the light is filtered through leaves, trees, things that can be beautiful in their own right, but block the light. Warblers remind me that there is also something to smile about, something to chase after, to keep moving for, even if it’s something very small. Small doesn’t mean it’s not important, it just means you have to pay attention, and be willing to notice things that most people never see at all. Whatever is happening in your life I hope you find your warbler to bring a smile to your face, to make you remember a happy memory, or just to be reminded that even in the killing heat there is still song and a bird no bigger than my three fingers put together singing joyfully, courageously, who doesn’t know that there is such a thing as hopelessness.~ Laurell K. Hamilton

this reminds me of something my counselor wanted me to try to do. look ahead to things, whether they are small, or large, there is always something to look forward to in life. recently, ive been feeling the medium i have been feeling for a while. its been a while since ive had a down day. the last down day that i had was a weekend that i kept remembering those slowly fading, but still vivid memories of andrew. it made me miss him, and hate him for him having a family and having a happy life. we drove by greensburg on the way to tennessee. i was hoping that my dad didnt stop there. and he didnt. he kept going. it was mentioned later about my facebook status that mentioned him stopping there. he said i thought you would be over this. i didnt have an easy, explainable reason. i'm over it, yet something like that, where i havent been to in almost five years, that he was the only person that i experienced greensburg with and its just a painful memory of his current happiness and my floundering back and forth between hating myself and being ok with myself.

why cant i just do shock treatment, and get rid of just andrew. thats the only thing that i have heard of that deletes memories, but the only thing. it deletes all memories. not just the ones i hate. so much for that idea.

i try too much

im not perfect, but im hurting myself striving to be. i move from this chair i will cut myself. im scared. i just cant do anything right. i think i am and i fuck something up. i hate being numb. i hate people mad at me. i hate feeling helpless. i hate all the strained relationships.i hate myself. i hate that i hate myself. i just dont know what to type. and att he top i hate that i think that this is self centered thinking.

heart break hotel

am i just a horrible person? i wouldnt call it a good thing that i have no sympathy for ones recent heartbreaks. all i can think of when i was in high school and i went through what they were going through at the age of 16 and almost no one wanted to reach out to me and say, we can make it through. you can do it. all i got was, just get over it from many many people. some i just didnt even try to talk to about stuff, well partially cause not everyone needs to know my business and its not like i was close with everyone in my high school class. i dont know. i think im just cynical once again. my heart goes out to your heartbreak, but in the end, i just keep thinking about karma. what you are feeling now, i felt for over a year at the age of 16. i dont know, maybe this is just stupid. does anyone else feel this way? has anyone gone through what i went through? not like it was the worst thing that could have happened to me, and im sure it was not the worst thing that will happen to me. im sure people have it worse then what i did. not saying that. thats just not right. but to go through what i went through, that was a lot of pain to deal with. that was a lot for a young girl. others are now five-six years older then what i was and now they are dealing with it. i dont know. i just dont know what else to say besides: "Man, doesn't it suck? now you know what i went through five years ago in high school"

im so horrible.

those summer nights

another summer night, and i must say, i have been keeping myself busy enough this summer to keep my mind off of anything bad happening or any of the bad things that could happen.

i did nothing for the forth. i worked. last night i sat at home and did what i am doing tonight, drank a wine cooler, and read my book. except tonight i have a computer on my lap and my book closed next to me.

my sims game wont work on my new laptop, so i decided to build my own desktop, which will be about 600 to 700 dollars. i have about a thousand dollars more to save. which makes me feel bad cause i dont feel like im putting money away just to put money away. its always to save for something only to go to spend it. maybe ill just start taking some money out of one savings to put into my never touch except for emergency savings. why does money always have to get in the way? well, a good thing is that vocational rehabilitation is going to help pay for school because of my depression affecting my schooling so much. which will help me and my family out alot. im not sure how much they will pay for, but im hoping for quite a bit. now only if i can get the state to pay for all my medications like they pay for everyone elses. hmmmm..... at least they are going to spend money on me for something. it would be great.

as for the rest of the summer... i kind of met a guy. his name is tim and he works for home city ice. i havent got to do anything with him on a count of work, so ive kind of been talking to him. not alot though. steve has been keeping me company which helps out a lot. ive been shrugging off a lot of things that i cant stand about him and just leave or stop talking to him when it does happen.

i feel like this is a pointless writing. but i guess its an update for my two followers. oh yay.

"broken hearts are for assholes"

last night was the first night i began apartment sitting at steves for the weekend while he was out of town and i can watch his cats while he is gone. well last night there was a thunderstorm that knocked out the power and was out for almost twenty four hours. i layed in bed last night and suddenly thought, wow, my mind is blank. my mind is not thinking bad. but yet, im still not happy, but not sad. i was neutral. it was a good feeling to be neutral, i just kind of smiled, rolled over and fell back to sleep. for the past couple days, i have been "neutral". not sad, but not happy. its good not to think so horrible, and not be so negative, for once. i just hope it was be this way for the rest of the summer. the good grades in calculus are also helping. two quizzes, one was an a+ and the other was a b. :D it mkaes me feel liek i can do this. i understand this. its going to be ok. i can do this. its going to be ok.

you are beautiful. no matter what they say. words cant bring me down

its been a back and forth battle still with myself and my negativity,and my "over generalization", as my counselor and psychiatrist say, as the summer kicks off to heat, humidity, sun, and severe storms.
one day, im ok. the next, its down and out. yesterday was a down and out day, until i went to skyes graduation party. made me feel quite a bit better, believe it or not. felt like it was people i could kind of relate to. who knew what i could be, or what not. i guess you could say.
i went to steves this afternoon and he was watching christina aguilera: behind the music. to my surprise, i was sucked into what was being said and shown. her music sucked me in (but how couldnt her voice suck anyone in??) then she went into discussing her 2002 release of Stripped. I remember when this album first came out. it was 8th grade and i was sitting on the bleachers listening to brehanna ward and amanda stahl look at the printed of lyrics of dirrty and singing it. and andrea clarks love of her album. thats what i can remember from that album. she soon went into describing how she went into a deep depression on this album, and the women who wrote "beautiful" played the song for christina and from the get go, she knew it was to be her song. realizing that she had pain as i have pain, and she does have the emotion to go with her songs that she sings about, that she isnt perfect and she is dealing with what i deal with on a daily basis. she talks about her current husband, and how he was the one that was there for her to lean on to get through the darkness and pain she was dealing with. they described studio sessions during stripped where she would just break down and cry from the sadness that she had been holding in from age 6. it touched me. i just stared at the tv, thinking that there is someone this beautiful, suffering from insecurity and depression.

her songs have a whole new meaning to me. its something that she has been dealing with and it just isnt a stupid pop song to get on the radio. its from the heart.

i can do this. i can win.

such a lonely day, and its mine.

ahhh the beginning of summer. i can feel it already, the humidity in the air, the random rain showers. talk of swimming and going to the beach, oh and my lonesomeness and the feeling that everyone is pushing me away. the unanswered text messages, the cancelling of plans, and putting bread and buns up.

mom and dad went to vegas this week. i wanted people to come over and keep me company. it just hasnt happened. my sister has had colton over every night this week and it just makes me feel lonely. falling asleep next to my cat and my tv on. shes done better then what i thought, thinking that she would have people over every night. course nan has been here too so im sure thats cut down on a lot. but i just had a break down monday night, and today wasnt very good either. yesterday, i had plans with tim, and he bailed on them because he had a meeting. well, im pretty sure its because he just forgot he had it like he does pretty much with everything. but of course, i take it tooooo far, and jump to the bad thing all the time, and everytime.

i posted a status on facebook about my friends, and i shouldnt have because they dont do the things that i make them out to do. and it just made me feel worse. how can i be so selfish? they care, they love me, but their world does not revolve around me. i guess i just want to be the center of someones world.

heather said to me today that she hates that im not happy. i hate that im not happy. so i thought about it a little bit. i cannot really tell you too many things that i can think of that make me happy. ive withdrawn from all the activities i used to love to do. ride my bike.. hell i cant even tell you. i think i got lost with all of that during the transition to high school, jumping into a relationship to define myself. i was never like that until i was with a guy. then it went to andrew, and well, we all know where it went from there.

when will something satisfy me. when will i finally be happy. maybe soon.

hate to say this, but i hope calculus makes me feel better this summmer.

i wanna fuck you like an animal

i feel like sex is kind of an addiction. i dont want it cause it hurts me physically, but i want it cause its the only thing that makes me feel like someone cares, someone wants me, until its over and they get up and leave. but what if the physical pain is because of the emotional pain? is this all just from andrew. the pain that he left me to remember when im having sex. that they are jsut going to get up and leave after the deed is done. maybe i just need someone to love me, i need to have the love with the sex, and maybe it will all be better. i feel like no one will love me. i feel like this stupid depression will over rule any love that may come into my life. i went backward i feel like, i started talking to beau. but its nothing as to what i want. its just random text messages, if he even answers me. hes in love with someone else. and yet, i have the crazy thought that i can make someone fall madly in love with me, like andrew always told me, "there is just something about you that makes me love you". why hasnt it happened since him? i may have fallen for one other, and maybe another one that i can see myself falling for. but why dont they fall for me? what am i doing wrong? is it cause im giving my self up that easy? i dont feel like i am.

i just dont know. why wont someone just fall in love with me and just be here for me so i dont feel like this anymore.

i will find another way

well, its over. im done. i cant be with him if he is going to cute me down like that and not try to make things better for me. or even try to understand what goes on in my head.

so now im back to me. just me. no one else. i hate it. i hate not having someone around. and the people who do care, i just feel like i bug the shit out of them. so i feel like i want to cut myself off from everyone. and yet, i dont.

and yet, im trying to make amends with my past. drop grudges that shouldnt be held.

i was on facebook, looking at an exs page, shouldnt have done. he just went from in a relationship to single. his status was just lost the best thing that had ever happened to me. it got me upset. seeing this line even in my blog gets me upset. why having i been the best thing to happen to anyone? im just here. just cause. cause why? i dont know. i want to be the best thing to happen to someone. i want to be held, and cared for like nothing else matters. and i think this is all i can write right now cause i cant start crying while im sitting in a lab in school.

but, i think the song that will get me through this right now is Hurt's Well. there is something out there for me. "i will find another way" i wont do what first happens in the song. because the whole point is to find another way after losing someone or dealing with doing somethign to someone that you care for, or joining a record contract that was so wrong for some one.

with or without someone. I WILL FIND ANOTHER WAY dammit. i will. i will be well some day.

self-inflicted

another weekend. ive spent some time with steve over the week, but nothing has changed. he seems to be more of a dick then usual. today was the final straw. im tired of his negativity, how he treats me, and how it feels like he has no respect for me. i need that. i dont want, i NEED. i was at tims today when i was texting him back and forth a little bit. he asked what i was doing, and i said i was hangin out with tim. he thought it was funny. he always finds it funny. so i asked why. he said cause its just funny. my reply back to him was glad you think so. and i got a text back from him that i had never expected. his reply was "yeah, sorry im not depressed all the time and i can laugh at things" i just started crying, in shock of what he had just said to me. tim was asking what was wrong, what he said to me. i told him and he said, dont text him back, what an ass. my reply to steve was, that was fucking low. he said, well its true not to be rude. im just done. i just cant take it. does he ever think that maybe its him that makes me feel so depressed when im around him? i do sometimes. but i get depressed all the time. who knows. but im jst done. i want to get my stuff and just be done. i hate this. i hate relationships. why cant i be stronger? i said to my counselor yesterday that im afraid of getting hurt. she said, well what are you going to do. you have to take risks even if you are afraid of being hurt. whats the worst that can happen?

so off that note, that conversation started because i mentioned beau. i seen him that morning and we soemwhat talked. some of the most talking weve done since he broke up with me. my counselor suggested contacting him. i had thought about it before. i wish i could send him a message and say, i miss you. can we try again? but thats just too out there. i would never get the guts to do that. i miss him a lot. he treated me so awesome, filling my ears with compliment after compliment, smiling at me when i look at him, holding my hand when we walked, kissing me in the rain. taking me to dinner. i wonder if he still has Simon the Lion.

maybe ill figure out how to text him, get his number from tim. i dont know. i hate missing people that are in my past from over a year ago.