missing Nine Inch Nails concert?!?

never in my life would i ever let this happen, but last night I dreamt that i was missing the saturday nine inch nails show in may because i forgot about it and had to work! i couldnt believe it was happening in my dream. i was at wal mart with my sister helping me work and i realized that i was going to miss nine inch nails. so, i some how left work, and was driving through the ghetto with Street Sweeper on, and of course, they say the 'N' word in the song, so the people in the ghetto didn't like it very much. of course. i ended up getting to the show, i dont knwo how because it was the one in indianapolis. i got there and it was a sit down place, and julia greenwood was there, and she was mad at me because she didn't want to be there that early.

i guess its a fear that i have that i might miss a nine inch nails concert or something would happen that i would not be able to go to one.

i really think im going to turn my blog into a dream journal because those are the only exiciting things that happen in my life anymore. haha.

Last night, this morning

i think i should just make my blog my dream diary. lol. ive been having really strange ones lately, and i havent even been telling anyone about them, which is strange. most of the time is because i dont think that i can really remember them, but i sit in classes all day and ponder what i was dreaming and try to remember them because something sets my mind off to what happened or if i had dreamt about it.

last night, i think i was in a castle, and people were chasing after me, and firing long harpoon things at me. I think i managed to retreat to a modern basement in this castle, where there were some guys that i went to high school with, i think it was chris bolka, and stephen piazza(who i never talked to)and they were playing video games in a room that looked very similar to one at the student center at BSU. Even while i was in the basement, the lady who was firing things at me was still taking aim at me, so i ran upstairs and outdoors into crowds of people who were on spring break maybe? but i dont remember how, but some other guys got mixed up with me and we were seperated in groups like slaves and cattle. i remeber being in a room with two other guys, and a bed in the middle that moved. Lasers suddenly appeared and aimed at any movement that was there, and i was not allowed into the bed because there wasnt room, so i had to roll aroudn the floor to get away from the lasers. next thing i know, i was in showers where i had to shower in front of everyone because there were no curtains. i dont remember much more but i think what i did manage to remember was crazy enough

dreams

the other night, i had a dream about beau. it has been the second one that i have had about him in the past two weeks or so. the first one was just whatever, the second, was a little more, even though i dnot remember too much, just yelling at him and running into a bathroom to be comforted by liz and to soon take a soothing shower. i dont want to think about him, he's not in my life, things are done, and im happy with the way things are. or am i?

i miss him. or maybe i just miss the cuddling and the constant compliments and the constant text messaging, and just having someone there. but i feel like im happy the way things are, but maybe deep down, im not, and im just a little hurt still. i don't know how to explain it, or what to even think about it.

i think its just the night time thing, that my medication from the day wears off and i just sit here and think more about things. a number of things cross my mind, and i just dotn know what to think abotu them at all or even what to write about, and if i do think of something, i dont know if i am comfotable with putting them on the internet.

i dotn know what i miss.

maybe just seeing a nine inch nails concert. haha.

nightly lonesomeness and commercials

during the day, im fine. i sit in bed and study at night, and this seems to be the time i think of the day, and reflect. i'm not alone, i have my friends, and im so happy with being single. but yet again, i have a second thought about how im not and how i want to be with someone.

i still think about what my counsellor at ball state asked me about why i think life should revolve around love. one thing i really think about is when they advertise things like, match.com and eharmony, and all those things. i feel like those are just pressure for someone to be with someone else. you can live without a significant other. i have found this out. these commercials seem to just put pressure on a single person that they need a significant other, when one doesnt always need one. i always wondered before i had my first boyfriend when that would finally happen and i mourned being alone. years later, i learn that you dont need a significant other to not be alone, all you need is your friends.

im not alone, so why do i feel like it?

today is a day to feel alone

its 11:30 on a monday night, and i think about beau.

why do i feel lonely? i couldnt tell you right now. i also think about some of the reasons and some of the possible hidden reasons, especially behind beau and i's break up. was it because i was fearing what i knew was not true? the same with andrew? am i cursed to be alone for the rest of my life because i fear things too often? so far, tim has been the one to stick it out with me, even though we are not boyfriend, girlfriend, which is fine with me right now. is this how it is going to be with everyone that i am eventually with? how can i cut back this fear and not worry about things that may just ruin my life. in the end, i might be cursed and not be able to have children in the end and the by that time, it already has been too late for atleast one.

i am not capable of being loved? am i capable of loving someone back, or letting someone in and not being able to trust someone knew without getting hurt. i just dont know what to do anymore. i go back and forth with the feelings of loneliness and even my stupid depression. i feel like i am fine one day, and the next, i want to be with someone, or let someone in.

i'm lost in my life. where do i go? do i like this computer science stuff? i think so. i read up more on jobs and i liek what i could be getitng myself into, i just wish i could jump ahead about five years and see where i am at. i want my own place, i want my own family, with my pets and boyfriend, fiance, or husband, i want to know where my career is going, or even just starting out in my career. even if half of that happens in five years, i would be happy with that.

i wish i could make things work with him, but i dont look forward to that happening, and like i have said before, im just happy with him being my best friend. that works just fine for me.

i read in a book today about someone with depression and one of the things that help grow out of it is social support. i think that is one thing that is helping me grow out of this a little bit.

okay, thats my rant for the day. i think i feel better, all the other stuff in my head won't come out into words.

money and friends.. part deux

well, my other friends birthday is coming up. i have a total of 53.00 in my bank account and she wants me to join her in grand rapids for the weekend. oh how much i would love to go, but i am afraid that i will not be able to because i cannot afford it. i worked a whole seven and half hours this weekend and i will get about as much money as i did for this week, 54.00, and i cannot afford to take off.

someone help me... i am going to end up disappointing my friends because i cannot afford things to go do with them, and will be slaving over work on the weekends. atleast i am trying to save money and then....ahh fuck.....that will prolly end up going to school. :( stupid stuff. i wish my friends knew how much i care and how much i would love to put itno these things for them. bahhhh...

strangle me, someone, or give me a winning lottery ticket so i could take them all to a paradise far far away from this mess.

i should go back to counselling and maybe i wont feel so bad about this.

Money and Friends.

here i sit and i feel horrible about not being able to drive to see my friend this weekend for valentines day because i am not able to afford to go. she was planning on coming to see me and im not able to work around it with work because i only work two days a week, and i cannot afford to take off for the weekend that she wants to come. i feel horrible about this because i am poor and trying to see my friends at the same time.
so now i dont have a date for valentines day because i cannot work around this issue. it makes me sad because i wasnt going to be alone, and now i am.

i dont know what else to say about this. its all jumbled in my head and i cannot get it straight.

you have a friend in me, maybe.

its another winter day. abotu two below was the high today, and the coldness of outdoors almost matches the coldness of my heart right now. i have very few friends, and i love them to death, but sometimes i feel like my caring for them is almost a waste of my time. this might be a stupid thought, and it might offend people, but i just wish people would show much how much they do care for me, and how much i do mean to them, because sometimes i feel like i am nothing to them. i put them at the top of my list, and make them number one, and drop things for my friends to show how much i care, and sometimes i dont feel like they even notice, or care. things come up, like blogs, and questions, and i cant answer. because i can't answer these, i feel inferior and feel like i cant match up to what others can do for them. i feel helpless and i feel like i cant do anything about it. i feel like i can be the last one to know, and like no one can tell me anything, and that there isn't any trust there for me. i just dont know what to say anymore.

i just feel like a worthless friend and that i just dont matter to anyone.

i think i need to go back to my counselor.

January 5

it was a bright sunny day today, and i'm glad it was. today was three years since andrew had broke up with me. hard to believe it has been that long. i spent part of the day with tim, and the other part shopping, now i'm just relaxing thinking about other things, for once. it was the first in the three years where i didn't dwell on the thought of andrew, and how i wish he would be here, quite frankly, its the first time i didnt want him to be here. on my way to target this afternoon, i had realized that i was a sunny day and that maybe it was a sign for things to finally get better, and for me to finally leave andrew in the past. he is there for the most part, but i still tend to think of him, not as much as i was though. i woke up this morning and it took me a half hour to finally realize that today was the fifth, which is another good sign. maybe things are finally looking up for good now.

all i hope that i can say to myself is Happy 2009, without the thought of andrew.

Goodbye 2008, Hello 2009

Here i sit, in my room alone. i was not alone tonight, but i was not with the one i really wanted to be with. this is the time of year i hate. i tried the drinking game three years ago tonight. it failed miserably. i really dont want to go into the story of it, but lets just say i lost the one i thought that i was in love with and thought that i would spend the rest of my life with. well, that wasn't true. ever since then, i have dreaded this day. last year was the first year i didnt cry, but this year is different. the only reason is because i'm alone. i have had bouts this year from whether or not i want to be alone, or if i want to be with someone. this is the time of year i wish i was with someone, but not wanting to be at the same time.

2008 brought me a deal of whatever....i can't even think of what this year has brought me. i have made my best friends that will last a lifetime, even through girlfriends, fights about alcohol, and whatever else has happened. i can remember the earthquake that woke my sleeping room mate and i, and finally making my decision to move back home. opening myself up to date someone, only to be shit on again. i have recently been given the possible opportunity to date my best friend, which i dont know if it is a good idea or not yet, but its going to be slow, so i hope that is good. i got to see nine inch nails two times, going with my best friends to both shows. they also released two albums in one year, which was entirely amazing. i was diagnosed with depression, and got drunk a second time in march, which i am not entirely proud of. lets just say that 2008 was better then it was three years ago, and it can always get better.

lets hope that 2009 will bring me the luck i have been working hard to get to. or maybe this year will shit on me too.